Musings of Viral Bookworms

Hey there, all..

Well, that was fast. Got the network up last night, so my roommates and I are enjoying cable internet as well as shared files over five computers. Groovy. :)

The cold rages on. My throat's raw from coughing all the time, and my eyes feel like they're being run through a cheese grater from the inside. Ibuprofen/aspirin helps, and drinking a lot of tea makes my throat feel a little less scratchy. I'm not as miserable as I *could* be, and that's good; it's scary, though, how everyone seems to be getting this in varying degrees. Shades of The Stand come to mind...

Picked up The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer again today, and read a few day's more. It's really interesting; the writing is pretty good, but it reminds me of an adult trying to write like a little kid. The author does a pretty good job of it sometimes, and generally it can be explained away as a little girl who's more intelligent than most. Besides, the language lends its own sort of eeriness to the entire affair. If you folks aren't really big Twin Peaks fans, disregard this last paragraph, you probably have no idea what I'm talking about. ;)

Still, one of the major themes that stick out so far is how Laura hates herself for thinking weird thoughts, about life, and sex, and morality. She really wants to be *good*, the way everyone thinks of her, but she can't help but think things that most people don't think about. Part of the time she's OK with it, then there are other times where she really just...digs on herself.

So many people try to be 'normal'. Even in the furry community and other 'fringe' groups, there's a standard of acceptable thinking and behavior that you must exhibit in order to be accepted. You either have to like flirting and hitting on people or you're too boring, or you have to be super-intelligent and shun sex entirely in favor of talking about how cool you are, or you have to kiss up to the right people and learn when to say the right in-jokes at the right time. Whoa, that sounded bitter. Maybe I should rephrase that...

It's very difficult, in any social group, to just be yourself *and* be widely accepted. The code of conduct in any large group is a natural outgrowth of the dynamics that develop between people over time, and I'm not saying that loose recognition of this code is a bad thing. But there are so many people who reject the possibility that something outside this code has any worth that it's hard to expand beyond that and keep the same friends. And there are way too many people who give in to this social inertia...

Most of the time I'm torn, between trying to say the right things to illicit a positive response from a community, and just...letting things take its course. Usually, when I choose the former option, it never works, I end up looking fake (because I was) and I always kick myself afterwards. But, being myself means that by and large there'll be a lot of people who just won't bother to meet you halfway. So, you can be fake but relatively accepted, or honest and obscure. It hasn't been this way with just me, either; I've seen quite a few people come to that crossroads, and it's *never* an easy decision to make.

I really wish honesty was an easier thing to have between people. But honesty and self-security go hand in hand; as long as there are insecure people around, there's not much hope for that.

Anyway, more work today; almost done with Judeo-Christian Religion stuff; after that, Education goes back out and then I'll probably try to straighten the sections with no significant movement. New Age/Occult and Poetry are monstrously glutted, so I'll probably switch back and forth between the two when I have the time.

I think I'll try to stay off-line tonight, though, and get writing done, answer e-mails, enjoy the company of roommates, that sort of thing.