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Wonderbelly
Sep. 14th, 2002 11:42 pm
Hey there, all...
The Weekly Beating is going on outside of my door tonight. It's a light one; a lot of the usual regulars have decided to do something special tonight, and are elsewhere probably listening to really melodic music in a dark room.
Even still, the crush of people talking about things and places and people and stories...really should be interesting to me, but for some reason I can't think of anything better to do but holing myself up in this room alone and sipping whiskey while thinking about things. This is a bit of what I've come up with.
I'm 22 years old. It's about time that I start not only thinking about what I want to do for the next 50 years, but working towards it. I mean, I already *know* what I would like to do. I can imagine myself as an old man, in a house made of wood and stone, surrounded by warm, living things. As much of my furnishings as possible will be made from natural materials, maybe some of it made myself. I'll have a younger boy, maybe an adopted son, that I've taken under my wing. The world, no matter what happens, will be a chaotic and dangerous place. My home would be a safe haven of calm.
In my dreams of the future, I'm always alone. Why? I honestly don't know...the more I'm placed in (possibly) romantic situations, the more I think I'm just not cut out for the whole relationship thing. I'm difficult and hard to read, moody, grumpy and neurotic. I don't think I'm unlovable. I just think that ultimately I'm not the sort of person to find true love.
I...don't feel bad about this. There are a few people who I would *definitely* like to try a relationship with, but right now they're just too far away and I just don't think I'm ready to devote my life to another human being in that regard. The weird thing is, I would really like to try and be a pet for someone. A rock, a stable thing for someone, loyal and appreciated. Maybe it's everything I'm looking for in a relationship without the personal investment. I'm loved, accepted, needed even, but...there's a different level of emotional attachment there, and not as much expectation.
Bah, but who am I kidding?? I have no idea what being a pet is like! I can romanticize it, I can pine for it, I can think it's perfect for me...but in the end, there's no way of knowing how long it would last before the shiny veneer wore off and I grew tired of it. At heart, I'm a pretty independent fellow. I used to be very open; too open. I got burned a lot because of it, and since then there's been a steady and insistent need to pull inward, to not let anyone know how I'm feeling, or where I'm at mentally. I don't talk about my feelings, really, to anyone. Chances are, if you ask me how I'm doing and I say "Good" or "Fine", then it's bullshit. I have a million little things going on, thoughts buzzing around, that never get a breath about to anyone else because there's no way anyone would possibly be interested in talking to me about shit like that.
That's one of the reasons I created this Journal; it's sort of a dumping ground for things I wouldn't normally say, and as such I've come to rely on it (perhaps too heavily) as my voice, a place where I can say what I truly think at the time, right or wrong, grounded or ridiculous. I think that's why I get so attached to the computer for such lengthy periods of time; I'm much more comfortable writing about myself, or writing anything in general, than actually talking to people. I have great conversations with people, actually...but things like why a beautiful movie like Amelie makes me cry, or how a really good bass-line can just *make* a song (Radiohead's "High And Dry") never get voiced.
Ah, well.
I talked to 2 about singing lessons yesterday and today, and he came up with a very good point. Singing along to music isn't really a good way of getting better, because you don't catch tonal flaws and imperfections as well since someone else is singing along, and they'll always sound good. So, what I need to do is actually sing by myself a bit, and get used to my own voice...catch what's going wrong with it. Then, I can work to make it better. One of the things I would really like to do before I do is be an actual, folk storyteller...a griot of some sort. That would rock.
Things I would like to do today:
To everyone who reads this regularly, thanks so much for the comments and support. It really is appreciated. And to everyone who I'm not nearly as open with as I should be...sorry.
The Weekly Beating is going on outside of my door tonight. It's a light one; a lot of the usual regulars have decided to do something special tonight, and are elsewhere probably listening to really melodic music in a dark room.
Even still, the crush of people talking about things and places and people and stories...really should be interesting to me, but for some reason I can't think of anything better to do but holing myself up in this room alone and sipping whiskey while thinking about things. This is a bit of what I've come up with.
I'm 22 years old. It's about time that I start not only thinking about what I want to do for the next 50 years, but working towards it. I mean, I already *know* what I would like to do. I can imagine myself as an old man, in a house made of wood and stone, surrounded by warm, living things. As much of my furnishings as possible will be made from natural materials, maybe some of it made myself. I'll have a younger boy, maybe an adopted son, that I've taken under my wing. The world, no matter what happens, will be a chaotic and dangerous place. My home would be a safe haven of calm.
In my dreams of the future, I'm always alone. Why? I honestly don't know...the more I'm placed in (possibly) romantic situations, the more I think I'm just not cut out for the whole relationship thing. I'm difficult and hard to read, moody, grumpy and neurotic. I don't think I'm unlovable. I just think that ultimately I'm not the sort of person to find true love.
I...don't feel bad about this. There are a few people who I would *definitely* like to try a relationship with, but right now they're just too far away and I just don't think I'm ready to devote my life to another human being in that regard. The weird thing is, I would really like to try and be a pet for someone. A rock, a stable thing for someone, loyal and appreciated. Maybe it's everything I'm looking for in a relationship without the personal investment. I'm loved, accepted, needed even, but...there's a different level of emotional attachment there, and not as much expectation.
Bah, but who am I kidding?? I have no idea what being a pet is like! I can romanticize it, I can pine for it, I can think it's perfect for me...but in the end, there's no way of knowing how long it would last before the shiny veneer wore off and I grew tired of it. At heart, I'm a pretty independent fellow. I used to be very open; too open. I got burned a lot because of it, and since then there's been a steady and insistent need to pull inward, to not let anyone know how I'm feeling, or where I'm at mentally. I don't talk about my feelings, really, to anyone. Chances are, if you ask me how I'm doing and I say "Good" or "Fine", then it's bullshit. I have a million little things going on, thoughts buzzing around, that never get a breath about to anyone else because there's no way anyone would possibly be interested in talking to me about shit like that.
That's one of the reasons I created this Journal; it's sort of a dumping ground for things I wouldn't normally say, and as such I've come to rely on it (perhaps too heavily) as my voice, a place where I can say what I truly think at the time, right or wrong, grounded or ridiculous. I think that's why I get so attached to the computer for such lengthy periods of time; I'm much more comfortable writing about myself, or writing anything in general, than actually talking to people. I have great conversations with people, actually...but things like why a beautiful movie like Amelie makes me cry, or how a really good bass-line can just *make* a song (Radiohead's "High And Dry") never get voiced.
Ah, well.
I talked to 2 about singing lessons yesterday and today, and he came up with a very good point. Singing along to music isn't really a good way of getting better, because you don't catch tonal flaws and imperfections as well since someone else is singing along, and they'll always sound good. So, what I need to do is actually sing by myself a bit, and get used to my own voice...catch what's going wrong with it. Then, I can work to make it better. One of the things I would really like to do before I do is be an actual, folk storyteller...a griot of some sort. That would rock.
Things I would like to do today:
- Finish my letter to Mom.
- Write *more* character bios for "?Salvation?"
- Meditate.
- Finally get started on Attempt No. 5.
- Marathon RP!
To everyone who reads this regularly, thanks so much for the comments and support. It really is appreciated. And to everyone who I'm not nearly as open with as I should be...sorry.
