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Chemical's False Bottom
Sep. 13th, 2002 01:51 pm
Hey there, all...
Have you ever known something to be true, irrevocably and logically true, but that truth becomes irrelevant when faced with the heat and wave of emotion?
Have you ever watched yourself do something truly stupid, and know that you could stop it but do it anyway?
Have you ever battled with yourself? Really, really battle?
I have this little Buddha in my soul(!). This tells me that everything, no matter how horrible it is, is exactly as it should be, and that accepting and working with it would be imminently preferrable to fighting conditions that I don't like. When I listen, I am content. I am happy, and while I still get pissed off at things there's a deep calm that doesn't get ruffled when things go wrong. No problem. I can adapt...I'm really good at it.
Then, there's this weird irrationality that creeps in on the edges of my vision every now and again. This causes me to get upset at the dumbest things, like not being said "hullo!" to on a MUCK, or not having the seat lifted for me when I'm in the back of a 2-door car. When I listen to this, everything hurts. Everyone is covered in myriads of tiny little half-inch blades and even when they mean to hug me I get stabbed.
Though psychiatry/psychology is never an exact science and mental conditions change like the tide, I view myself as a chronic depressive. Lately, I've come to view this condition as primarily chemical; there's no reason and rhyme about why and when I'm depressed, it just happens. Most times, I can feel it roll in like a fog over the course of days, sometimes weeks, and my mood steadily deteriorates into this funk that I can't shake. Sometimes, it goes away in a day or two; the bad ones last for weeks on end. I get moody, I get quite, I become regretful...about my mother, about past relationships, about relationships that never happened but could have (had I not screwed it up, this fog tells me), about where I am in life. Everything's my fault, according to me, and I have no one to blame for my station than me.
When I listen to my little Buddha, I am still content, even while depressed. I realize that these thoughts are just products of my natural cycle, and that those moments of despair and non-sense will eventually fade. For now, though, they're still my thoughts. Poetry, compassion, empathy comes out of these periods...whatever pain I feel can be channeled to create something positive, and still, all is good. Out of everything bad, something good always inevitably flows. You just have to know where to find the good things.
There are times, though, when my irrationality takes over, and I quite simply come undone. The pain becomes this little ball that sits in my chest, boils in my stomach, and like some kind of wounded animal I look for anything to get away from it. I lash out at people. I look for meaningless TS on-line. I indulge in my fetishes with an almost desperate abandon, and at the same time I hate myself for it. I feel like some kind of prostitute. I deserve scorn. I deserve to feel alienated. Because no matter how loud my logical brain screams at me, I fall into the same traps, the same cycles.
These periods are almost always infused with this basic, underlying alienation and bewilderment. My friends, roommates, family don't understand me, they don't even try. Every time I try to explain these thoughts to them, they can't make sense of it, so they shrug it off and offer a half-reassuring pat before going off elsewhere. Part of me knows it doesn't make sense to them because it just plain doesn't make sense , that I know the thoughts and the behaviors stemming from these thoughts are completely irrational and senseless. It still hurts, every time, when I try to relay my feelings to people and they just walk away, scratching their heads. I hate myself even more. I'm messy, messed up, a hopeless mess that will never be right. I deserve to be in this dark place, alone. I am completely unlovable. I am a waste.
Before the "You're stupid; whip yourself into shape" comments come in, I *know* that this line of reasoning is completely false. I *know* that my friends care for me. I *know* I'm not alone. That's what makes these little periods of 'total depression' so baffling and frustrating. It's like, I look at myself and I know that little pile of pity is...completely unfounded, I know there's no reason for it but my own...well, natural cycle. But I can't help it; the feelings come, the pain comes, and every once in a while I get swept away. I can't stand my ground.
I've been locked in a downward spiral for the past two weeks, and it ultimately culminated in a complete meltdown last night. Rising frustration about 9/11, job insecurity, roommate and friend issues, relationship issues, that good old ingrained familial guilt...all of it just snowballed into something I couldn't stop. It got so big I lost my focus and I just got swept away, into that tangled little labyrinth of my consciousness that I still haven't figured out how to navigate.
I want to thank Eliahn and Puc for helping me last night, through that. It may not seem like much, but it came at just the right time and I can't express how much I appreciate your help.
So, I think I'm out of the woods for now. I'm pulling myself together, and now maybe I can shape myself up to make a serious push for writing. "?Salvation?" is gunning for a New Year's start, so I have to get Potoroo all of the character bios and the first two months so he can handle his bizness. I'm really excited about it; Potoroo is a great, great person to bounce ideas off of, and helps me to keep my bad ideas in check. <:) I've been thinking a lot about my inner nature, and how I work. Now that I have a working, analytical grasp of what that kind of depression does to me, I thought I would try to explain it. I hope I got it across OK. When I talk about feeling alienated or misunderstood, this is where it stems from. I'm writing a letter to my mother, since I don't think I could say all I want to say to her on the phone. I miss her like crazy, and I love her so much. More than anything, I *still* want her to be proud of me, and for her to be happy...even after all that's happened. Hopefully, we can start working towards building an actual relationship from this. And I guess that's it. Gonna go out and buy stuff, maybe watch a movie before Reah, Silver and Arlekin's Housewarming Party. I don't think I'll be drinking tonight. <:) Good weekend to you all.
Have you ever known something to be true, irrevocably and logically true, but that truth becomes irrelevant when faced with the heat and wave of emotion?
Have you ever watched yourself do something truly stupid, and know that you could stop it but do it anyway?
Have you ever battled with yourself? Really, really battle?
I have this little Buddha in my soul(!). This tells me that everything, no matter how horrible it is, is exactly as it should be, and that accepting and working with it would be imminently preferrable to fighting conditions that I don't like. When I listen, I am content. I am happy, and while I still get pissed off at things there's a deep calm that doesn't get ruffled when things go wrong. No problem. I can adapt...I'm really good at it.
Then, there's this weird irrationality that creeps in on the edges of my vision every now and again. This causes me to get upset at the dumbest things, like not being said "hullo!" to on a MUCK, or not having the seat lifted for me when I'm in the back of a 2-door car. When I listen to this, everything hurts. Everyone is covered in myriads of tiny little half-inch blades and even when they mean to hug me I get stabbed.
Though psychiatry/psychology is never an exact science and mental conditions change like the tide, I view myself as a chronic depressive. Lately, I've come to view this condition as primarily chemical; there's no reason and rhyme about why and when I'm depressed, it just happens. Most times, I can feel it roll in like a fog over the course of days, sometimes weeks, and my mood steadily deteriorates into this funk that I can't shake. Sometimes, it goes away in a day or two; the bad ones last for weeks on end. I get moody, I get quite, I become regretful...about my mother, about past relationships, about relationships that never happened but could have (had I not screwed it up, this fog tells me), about where I am in life. Everything's my fault, according to me, and I have no one to blame for my station than me.
When I listen to my little Buddha, I am still content, even while depressed. I realize that these thoughts are just products of my natural cycle, and that those moments of despair and non-sense will eventually fade. For now, though, they're still my thoughts. Poetry, compassion, empathy comes out of these periods...whatever pain I feel can be channeled to create something positive, and still, all is good. Out of everything bad, something good always inevitably flows. You just have to know where to find the good things.
There are times, though, when my irrationality takes over, and I quite simply come undone. The pain becomes this little ball that sits in my chest, boils in my stomach, and like some kind of wounded animal I look for anything to get away from it. I lash out at people. I look for meaningless TS on-line. I indulge in my fetishes with an almost desperate abandon, and at the same time I hate myself for it. I feel like some kind of prostitute. I deserve scorn. I deserve to feel alienated. Because no matter how loud my logical brain screams at me, I fall into the same traps, the same cycles.
These periods are almost always infused with this basic, underlying alienation and bewilderment. My friends, roommates, family don't understand me, they don't even try. Every time I try to explain these thoughts to them, they can't make sense of it, so they shrug it off and offer a half-reassuring pat before going off elsewhere. Part of me knows it doesn't make sense to them because it just plain doesn't make sense , that I know the thoughts and the behaviors stemming from these thoughts are completely irrational and senseless. It still hurts, every time, when I try to relay my feelings to people and they just walk away, scratching their heads. I hate myself even more. I'm messy, messed up, a hopeless mess that will never be right. I deserve to be in this dark place, alone. I am completely unlovable. I am a waste.
Before the "You're stupid; whip yourself into shape" comments come in, I *know* that this line of reasoning is completely false. I *know* that my friends care for me. I *know* I'm not alone. That's what makes these little periods of 'total depression' so baffling and frustrating. It's like, I look at myself and I know that little pile of pity is...completely unfounded, I know there's no reason for it but my own...well, natural cycle. But I can't help it; the feelings come, the pain comes, and every once in a while I get swept away. I can't stand my ground.
I've been locked in a downward spiral for the past two weeks, and it ultimately culminated in a complete meltdown last night. Rising frustration about 9/11, job insecurity, roommate and friend issues, relationship issues, that good old ingrained familial guilt...all of it just snowballed into something I couldn't stop. It got so big I lost my focus and I just got swept away, into that tangled little labyrinth of my consciousness that I still haven't figured out how to navigate.
I want to thank Eliahn and Puc for helping me last night, through that. It may not seem like much, but it came at just the right time and I can't express how much I appreciate your help.
So, I think I'm out of the woods for now. I'm pulling myself together, and now maybe I can shape myself up to make a serious push for writing. "?Salvation?" is gunning for a New Year's start, so I have to get Potoroo all of the character bios and the first two months so he can handle his bizness. I'm really excited about it; Potoroo is a great, great person to bounce ideas off of, and helps me to keep my bad ideas in check. <:) I've been thinking a lot about my inner nature, and how I work. Now that I have a working, analytical grasp of what that kind of depression does to me, I thought I would try to explain it. I hope I got it across OK. When I talk about feeling alienated or misunderstood, this is where it stems from. I'm writing a letter to my mother, since I don't think I could say all I want to say to her on the phone. I miss her like crazy, and I love her so much. More than anything, I *still* want her to be proud of me, and for her to be happy...even after all that's happened. Hopefully, we can start working towards building an actual relationship from this. And I guess that's it. Gonna go out and buy stuff, maybe watch a movie before Reah, Silver and Arlekin's Housewarming Party. I don't think I'll be drinking tonight. <:) Good weekend to you all.
