Just When You Think You've Got It Down

Hello, there...

I've been riding a pretty high wave of peaceful contentment for the past...oh, week or so. See, I've been reading this novel called "Lucifer's Hammer," if you've heard of it. If you haven't, it's a pretty intense epic about a comet that causes the end of the world. I skipped ahead to the actual comet falling (they call it "Hammerfall", and I just think that's...a delicious word when put into that context), and read about 30 of the most...surreally frightening images I think I've ever seen. You never got a really good sense of what was happening, and even still the level of destruction that occurred in the book seemed light. Still, it was obvious that the authors had done their homework, and knew what they were doing...the images that you could piece together made for a really bizarre, frightening montage. The lights in the sky falling over the horizon...the tidal waves blocking out the sky as buildings rushed towards you...the earth actually groaning and twisting...a Volkwagen speeding down a hill, past a building with its face torn off...

I have no idea why I like this stuff, but I do. On second thought, I know why I like being scared like that so much. I like to see people...vulnerable. Not in the sadistic sense, but...there's something satisfying and fascinating about watching Man stripped of all his conventions, his pretentions and all of the reasons for his arrogance. At the same time the idea of any sort of destructive catastrophe is a dressing down, it's also a cleansing of sorts. What do you do when things are no longer comfortable enough to boast, or feel insecure, or...seek out ways to make people even lazier? What happens when all that matters is survival? What happens when you can't even do that? What happens when people are faced with absolute, total, irrevocable death, and they can't do anything about it? How do people work through that?

I had a sort of epiphany while I was reading those pages. The true meaning, the true scope of impermanence hit me; no matter what I do, no matter how hard I struggle and how hard I strive to achieve anything, noble or not, it will fade. This is irrevocable and absolute. When that comet crashes into the earth, or when that disease just refuses to be beaten, or when some idiot finally pushes the button...civilization will eventually fade. And there is absolutely nothing anyone can do to change that. The wisdom, I suppose, is in when you're realizing it; now, when you have your entire life ahead of you and can actually *do* something to accept the fact, or later, when you go out of your mind with terror at the calamity that's about to befall you.

It felt like my consciousness...raised a level. I felt this deep, abiding peace with just about everything wash over me, and for the first time in a long time it felt as though I truly understood something. It felt like I was going somewhere. I could look at the world in this completely...different way that I could never turn back from. It was a great feeling, like my own little bit of Illumination.

This was Friday, and then today something happened that completely destroyed my...well, looking back on it, egotism.

I was on FM today, and there were a few people on, including a fellow I will just call Popular, for all intents and purposes. Now, I paged Popular when he first gets on, but I get no response. Page again, no response. And again...same thing. Finally he gives me a hello, and I ask how he's going. And....no response.

Everything I know about this situation tells me that this is nothing to get upset over. Popular is on from work; Popular is, well...popular, and is probably getting spammed while he goes idle. And besides this, Popular is not doing this out of meanness, spitefulness, or any sort of even accidental thoughtlessness. He's. Just. Busy.

This is nothing to get upset over.

I get upset over it, anyway.

What happened to my calm? What happened to my all-encompassing peace? What happened to my understanding and vision? All down the toilet because some guy is too busy to talk to me. What the fuck kind of idiot am I?

The disappointment I felt at myself for being so...irrationally emotional over such a trivial thing was worse than being angry about it in the first place. I mean, what gives? Why should I expect this guy to do *anything*, especially after....all but demanding more attention? It's such an idiotic thing, and I *knew* it, but I felt powerless about feeling that way.

Just when you think you've got it down, you realize how much further it is you have to go...

So, I'll be pulling into myself for a little while, since there's quite a bit of stuff I still need to untangle. I don't know if I'll post 'updates' here; it depends on how open I feel like being, I guess.

And on top of it, I postponed my Changeling game to Sunday to try and get some sleep, and now that I have all the time to sleep in the world...I can't.

It's one of those days where the Universe just looks down and points at you, and goes, "NO!"