The Unfortunate Side of Melancholy

Hey there, all...

Lately, the 'funk' has returned. I'm not depressed about any one thing in particular, besides the usual disconnected thoughts that always point to the same thing in the end.

You see, I've always had a hard time feeling like I belong to any group, family or cause. I grew up as an outsider, and though this probably doesn't differ from the childhood experiences of most people it's probably the hardest thing I have left to shake.

There are friends I have in the furry community, who are very much into the sexual, artistic side of it. That's completely fine by me; I've been known to be a raging pawslut every now and again, too. But lately it just feels like I...can't keep up with them, you know? They're getting art, drawing art, talking to people about fetish stuff, being social, getting closer to their friends, and I see the circle getting tighter and tighter. Which means there's less room for people...and I invariably end up getting squeezed out.

I don't know whether this feeling is entirely in my head or grounded in a legitimate fear; perhaps a little of both. I have a knack for self-fulfilling prophecies, and my conundrums are almost textbook. But...that doesn't make it hurt any less. As much as I like those people I hang out with on-line, and as close as I want to be to them, I just...can't do it. No matter how hard I try, no matter how relaxed I am, I never...fit.

On the other hand, I have a few friends who are into the spiritual aspect of the fandom. What eats at me is that since I'm 'relatively' new to the spirituality thing, haven't had as much time to temper my beliefs or just be around people of like mind, I'm not accepted on *that* side of the community either. The problem, this time, is them...not me.

I have no problems admitting I'm a young buck when it comes to my spirituality; there are a lot of things I need to figure out, a lot of questions I need to ask to get where I ultimately need to be. I'm getting there, though. My path is laid out before me, and I know how to walk it...all I need is the time and confidence to do so. A lot of the spiritually inclined folks, however, have little to no interest in associating with people who aren't 'like' them, who haven't reached their perceived level of understanding. So, when I join a group or channel with the hopes of learning or being around people of like mind...I'm ignored at best, flamed at worst.

Where do you go when one group of people treats you like shit they've stepped in, and most of your friends either have no interest in what you're trying to do at all, or are too caught up in their business to be of help?

I feel like I'm walking a very fine line. There's no reason spirituality can't be sexual...and there's no reason sex can't be divine. As I stand here with one foot in either community I look at the prejudices and disdain that each has for the other, and it sucks. Because it means people like me fall into the divide between them.

This is something that's been weighing on my mind for quite some time now. The melancholy and loneliness will pass, I'm sure, but there's still the problem. I've been 'going it alone' for the most part these past 21 years, and I've gotten used to it. I'm still so weary of it, though.

In other news, I've discovered a 'barometer' in myself. I've linked my mood to how...productive I feel. I'm beginning to have these little nagging self-doubts eat at me (Do I really sabotage all of my relationships? Am I really good at what I think I am?), and I think largely it's because I haven't done anything worthwhile. There have been a few knocks to the old ego that developed into wounds, too.

Recently I had a friend tell me that I'm seriously tone-deaf, and can't sing worth a lick. This is...disturbing, seeing how much I love to sing. I won't declare myself the greatest in the world by a long shot, but I like to think that I can at the very least carry a tune. I'm untrained, so as with most things I'm certainly not as good as I could be, but I've always had the hope that I could get better. If I were actually tone-deaf, it would not only mean that I suck, but I have little to no hope of ever not sucking.

Singing to me is a very beautiful thing, and for some reason I've integrated it into my world view that I could aspire to make something beautiful along those veins...it was a pretty big blow to that particular cornerstone and I don't think I've shaken it ever since. It feels like I've lost my voice.

So, for the most part, I haven't been singing. Not even when I'm alone. The idea that my voice could be painfully bad just...chokes me. I'm afraid.

I haven't been writing. I haven't even been dreaming. I just...eat, sleep and work. I've woken up to find myself in a pretty sad existence, indeed.

There's really nothing to do about all of this except shut my door to the world for a while and get myself back in order. I'm sure that in time, my old confidence will return, and I'll once again have the belief that I can make something beautiful. I've never, ever had much in life, and this is one of the few things I have.

Hmm...this was a pretty personal journal entry. I'm not looking for pity, really. ;) This is just one of those times when I needed to get something off my brain.