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Shades of Earth All Bearing Down On Me
May. 14th, 2002 09:10 am
Hey there, all...
Well, it's been an interesting weekend, but it's all been described in a few other LiveJournals, namely 2's and <a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/shining_midnight>SM's</a>, so I won't be redundant by repeating it here. I was a part of that. ;) Life's been pretty good in general; I quit my crappy EZ Mart job, work at possibly the best place in town to be (for more money, I might add!), and I'm getting back on track with my writing, as much as I'll be able to in the next few weeks. You see, I consider myself a Chaos Baby...whenever my life begins to congeal into something that's somewhat normal, something always comes along and fucks it all up. I'm not complaining, mind you; I've come to really...enjoy it. It's weird, but if everything gets stable, I feel like I'm stuck in a rut. Apparently, I thrive on drama. I *want* my life to be a soap opera. Main storyline right now? Well, I have a roommate. Two, actually, but we'll only talk about one. I...thought I was in love with him for a while (that, my friends, is a whole other post), but that didn't work out and we still became friends. In fact, living together got *better* after we dropped the stigma that relationships have. This roommate is Good People (tm). He's very intelligent, and a whiz at *making* clutter fit, neat and tidily. He's a pretty resourceful guy (in that common-sense, "Why didn't I think of that?" way), and he's stubborn. He'll find a way to fix a problem when he really sets his mind to it. I admire him; he's got his shit together for the most part. The problem? He's...an angry person. Yeah, I bitch a lot about things, and I know people who get upset, but he's...angry. Michael Douglas in Falling Down angry. He wouldn't *dare* hit or harm another person, I think, but still...he's...not that good at coping with stressful situations. The stressful situation in particular is all a matter of perception. Our local furry group, NARFA, has gone through a bit of an upheaval and re-focus as of late. In our growth, we've kind of lost our 'point' and we've been trying to get it back. I see both sides of the coin to this; to some people (including some folks that are *within* NARFA, not just out-of-towners) we're becoming cliquish. To most of NARFA, though, there's really no problem, and it's business as usual. Personally, I could see how we might be viewed as cliquish. We're a pretty tight-knit family down here, you know, for all our dysfunctions. Not *everyone* gets along with everyone else, for damned sure, but we're generally pretty good at keeping things pleasant at the very least. Like any family, we have our black sheep, our pariahs, and people we talk about. But that's how human interaction goes. We're *not* the perfect group, but we're the group that I'd most like to be a part of. And we're very protective of that spirit; we don't really take kindly to folks who'd destroy that in favour of the 'usual' furry politics, fame-mongers and gossip-hounds. I don't know, maybe we *are* political to some degree, even; a group is bound to have politics in some fashion. I think what makes us is politics doesn't become the center-piece of who we are and what we do. My roommate, however, thinks it has, and he's upset about it. While he may have legitimate concerns to agree (or disagree) with, most members of our group will never know what his exact problem is. Because he *never* talks about it. So, the problem never gets aired, he gets angrier, and the rest of us are left to puzzle what's wrong. I've...had my fair share of problems. I've been an angry little bastard. I've been a whiny little shit. Some of the things that have caused me pain in the past were...pretty legit, but a lot of others were just the result of behaviors that I had programmed myself into doing somehow. It took me a while to get all of that out of my system, and it didn't even happen until I really *wanted* it to happen. There are still some things I work through, but in general I think I've come out okay. When I see someone else going through self-destructive behavior I feel I've got an empathy with them right off, because chances are I've done the same thing they're doing (or at least something similar enough), and I have an idea where they're coming from. A lot of people can't understand why someone gets depressed for 'no reason', or why they blow up at seemingly minor things, but I...well, I think I get it. There's a flipside to this, though; I really, really want to reach out and help these people, somehow, but I don't think I have the 'equipment'. The connection, the charisma...what have you. A lot of these people don't *want* to change yet, and that can be immensely frustrating. My roommate, I think, is one of those people who just...don't want it bad enough yet. So, he gets angry, tears up the house, and in general becomes very uncomfortable to be around. And I could be helping, I *should* be helping. He's my friend, and friends are supposed to make each other feel better, right? But I...can't figure out how. Nothing's getting through. Last night, I told him that I think it would be a good idea for him to find his own space. This really...bugs me, because it looks like I'm...well, dumping him. And it feels that way. But I *know* it's the right thing to do. He needs control over his own environment. He needs to be able to say what goes, when people can stay, and when people can go. And he can't get that with us. He's just not going to get what he wants if he keeps rooming with us. He's not going to see it that way. How does he see it? I don't know...of course, I haven't talked to him yet. But we need to. Things have just gotten too messy.
Well, it's been an interesting weekend, but it's all been described in a few other LiveJournals, namely 2's and <a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/shining_midnight>SM's</a>, so I won't be redundant by repeating it here. I was a part of that. ;) Life's been pretty good in general; I quit my crappy EZ Mart job, work at possibly the best place in town to be (for more money, I might add!), and I'm getting back on track with my writing, as much as I'll be able to in the next few weeks. You see, I consider myself a Chaos Baby...whenever my life begins to congeal into something that's somewhat normal, something always comes along and fucks it all up. I'm not complaining, mind you; I've come to really...enjoy it. It's weird, but if everything gets stable, I feel like I'm stuck in a rut. Apparently, I thrive on drama. I *want* my life to be a soap opera. Main storyline right now? Well, I have a roommate. Two, actually, but we'll only talk about one. I...thought I was in love with him for a while (that, my friends, is a whole other post), but that didn't work out and we still became friends. In fact, living together got *better* after we dropped the stigma that relationships have. This roommate is Good People (tm). He's very intelligent, and a whiz at *making* clutter fit, neat and tidily. He's a pretty resourceful guy (in that common-sense, "Why didn't I think of that?" way), and he's stubborn. He'll find a way to fix a problem when he really sets his mind to it. I admire him; he's got his shit together for the most part. The problem? He's...an angry person. Yeah, I bitch a lot about things, and I know people who get upset, but he's...angry. Michael Douglas in Falling Down angry. He wouldn't *dare* hit or harm another person, I think, but still...he's...not that good at coping with stressful situations. The stressful situation in particular is all a matter of perception. Our local furry group, NARFA, has gone through a bit of an upheaval and re-focus as of late. In our growth, we've kind of lost our 'point' and we've been trying to get it back. I see both sides of the coin to this; to some people (including some folks that are *within* NARFA, not just out-of-towners) we're becoming cliquish. To most of NARFA, though, there's really no problem, and it's business as usual. Personally, I could see how we might be viewed as cliquish. We're a pretty tight-knit family down here, you know, for all our dysfunctions. Not *everyone* gets along with everyone else, for damned sure, but we're generally pretty good at keeping things pleasant at the very least. Like any family, we have our black sheep, our pariahs, and people we talk about. But that's how human interaction goes. We're *not* the perfect group, but we're the group that I'd most like to be a part of. And we're very protective of that spirit; we don't really take kindly to folks who'd destroy that in favour of the 'usual' furry politics, fame-mongers and gossip-hounds. I don't know, maybe we *are* political to some degree, even; a group is bound to have politics in some fashion. I think what makes us is politics doesn't become the center-piece of who we are and what we do. My roommate, however, thinks it has, and he's upset about it. While he may have legitimate concerns to agree (or disagree) with, most members of our group will never know what his exact problem is. Because he *never* talks about it. So, the problem never gets aired, he gets angrier, and the rest of us are left to puzzle what's wrong. I've...had my fair share of problems. I've been an angry little bastard. I've been a whiny little shit. Some of the things that have caused me pain in the past were...pretty legit, but a lot of others were just the result of behaviors that I had programmed myself into doing somehow. It took me a while to get all of that out of my system, and it didn't even happen until I really *wanted* it to happen. There are still some things I work through, but in general I think I've come out okay. When I see someone else going through self-destructive behavior I feel I've got an empathy with them right off, because chances are I've done the same thing they're doing (or at least something similar enough), and I have an idea where they're coming from. A lot of people can't understand why someone gets depressed for 'no reason', or why they blow up at seemingly minor things, but I...well, I think I get it. There's a flipside to this, though; I really, really want to reach out and help these people, somehow, but I don't think I have the 'equipment'. The connection, the charisma...what have you. A lot of these people don't *want* to change yet, and that can be immensely frustrating. My roommate, I think, is one of those people who just...don't want it bad enough yet. So, he gets angry, tears up the house, and in general becomes very uncomfortable to be around. And I could be helping, I *should* be helping. He's my friend, and friends are supposed to make each other feel better, right? But I...can't figure out how. Nothing's getting through. Last night, I told him that I think it would be a good idea for him to find his own space. This really...bugs me, because it looks like I'm...well, dumping him. And it feels that way. But I *know* it's the right thing to do. He needs control over his own environment. He needs to be able to say what goes, when people can stay, and when people can go. And he can't get that with us. He's just not going to get what he wants if he keeps rooming with us. He's not going to see it that way. How does he see it? I don't know...of course, I haven't talked to him yet. But we need to. Things have just gotten too messy.
