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A Slap In The Face/A Kiss On The Cheek
Mar. 20th, 2002 10:00 am
Hey there, all...
So, this'll be my last post for a bit, and since I'm such a drama queen, I guess I'll make this one a doozy. ;)
Actually, this was triggered by Sylvan's recent introspection, and though he's having a rough time of it right now I really think he's onto something; he's seeing something that he really doesn't like about himself, or something that is bothering other folks, and he's owning up to it. Whether the offending trait is true or not is irrelevant; it takes a lot of balls that most people don't have to do something like that. I commend him. And now I'm going to emulate him.
Over the past few weeks, I've felt a very strong spirit of disconnection from people...and not just that. A lot of the frustration I've been having in dealing with people, especially on-line, stems from the fact that I've been feeling very distinct, painful pangs of regret whenever I've talked to friends recently. It's the feeling that things that could have been, and maybe were, aren't and quite probably will never be again. It's for all those missed opportunites, all the balls I've dropped, all the relationships that have died out because of...well, me.
I often say that I want nothing more than to be close to people; yet, all of those times I've actually achieved that kind of closeness, something happens that just...wrecks it. Maybe I push people away, maybe my basic personality is one that people just don't feel they connect to...but the result is always the same. And I know that part of it, in most cases, is just me fucking up somehow.
There have been so many people in my life that I've cared for, and that I still do care for. And I've pushed them aside for someone new, or taken them for granted somehow. Now, when I talk to them, it's like a conversation you have with an old lover just out of respect for what you had. Those conversations have been popping up way too often, recently, and it makes me sad.
There are so many people who have come and (presumably) gone over these last 6 years...2, Sylvan, Zephyrus, DuncanRoo, ArtieRoo, Ridley, Roshen, Dragonflyt, Dreamshadow, Ipequey, Rakkar, Jericho, Wendell, Raph...the list goes on and on and on...and the sad thing is, looking back, that a lot of those people are still around. We just never talk, because most of those other people don't feel comfortable talking to me because of something that's happened a long time ago. Despite all of my efforts to make things up, it just hasn't worked.
I am not an easy person to get along with, and I admit that right now. I'm flighty, distracted and quite honestly into a lot of stuff people find boring and/or insignificant. I crave attention. I get jealous. And a lot of times, my mind is ruled by selfish thoughts. I've screwed a lot of these people over with my faults and insecurities in various ways, I've hurt them, I've forsaken them...and now that I'm playing the role of the Prodigal Son, I'm finding the houses I left empty.
So...I'm at an impasse. I would really like a lot of these people back in my life, but at the same time there comes a point where you have to stop crying over spilled milk. :) A big part of my problem over the past few months, maybe longer, is that I just don't know when to realize a relationship is over.
And finally...catharsis. To all those people mentioned above, *especially* Wendell, and Duncan, and anyone else I might have forgotten here, I'm very sorry for not being as good a friend as I should have. I'm also sorry if this little display embarrasses you all; it's just something that I really need to get off my chest. I certainly can't change the past, and for the most part, I can't convince you of changes I've made these past few months...so, I know a lot of you and I are going to go our seperate ways and that's cool. I wish you the best, and I really hope that one day we'll get closer.
There. Now I'm quiet for the week. Have a good one, everyone. :)
So, this'll be my last post for a bit, and since I'm such a drama queen, I guess I'll make this one a doozy. ;)
Actually, this was triggered by Sylvan's recent introspection, and though he's having a rough time of it right now I really think he's onto something; he's seeing something that he really doesn't like about himself, or something that is bothering other folks, and he's owning up to it. Whether the offending trait is true or not is irrelevant; it takes a lot of balls that most people don't have to do something like that. I commend him. And now I'm going to emulate him.
Over the past few weeks, I've felt a very strong spirit of disconnection from people...and not just that. A lot of the frustration I've been having in dealing with people, especially on-line, stems from the fact that I've been feeling very distinct, painful pangs of regret whenever I've talked to friends recently. It's the feeling that things that could have been, and maybe were, aren't and quite probably will never be again. It's for all those missed opportunites, all the balls I've dropped, all the relationships that have died out because of...well, me.
I often say that I want nothing more than to be close to people; yet, all of those times I've actually achieved that kind of closeness, something happens that just...wrecks it. Maybe I push people away, maybe my basic personality is one that people just don't feel they connect to...but the result is always the same. And I know that part of it, in most cases, is just me fucking up somehow.
There have been so many people in my life that I've cared for, and that I still do care for. And I've pushed them aside for someone new, or taken them for granted somehow. Now, when I talk to them, it's like a conversation you have with an old lover just out of respect for what you had. Those conversations have been popping up way too often, recently, and it makes me sad.
There are so many people who have come and (presumably) gone over these last 6 years...2, Sylvan, Zephyrus, DuncanRoo, ArtieRoo, Ridley, Roshen, Dragonflyt, Dreamshadow, Ipequey, Rakkar, Jericho, Wendell, Raph...the list goes on and on and on...and the sad thing is, looking back, that a lot of those people are still around. We just never talk, because most of those other people don't feel comfortable talking to me because of something that's happened a long time ago. Despite all of my efforts to make things up, it just hasn't worked.
I am not an easy person to get along with, and I admit that right now. I'm flighty, distracted and quite honestly into a lot of stuff people find boring and/or insignificant. I crave attention. I get jealous. And a lot of times, my mind is ruled by selfish thoughts. I've screwed a lot of these people over with my faults and insecurities in various ways, I've hurt them, I've forsaken them...and now that I'm playing the role of the Prodigal Son, I'm finding the houses I left empty.
So...I'm at an impasse. I would really like a lot of these people back in my life, but at the same time there comes a point where you have to stop crying over spilled milk. :) A big part of my problem over the past few months, maybe longer, is that I just don't know when to realize a relationship is over.
And finally...catharsis. To all those people mentioned above, *especially* Wendell, and Duncan, and anyone else I might have forgotten here, I'm very sorry for not being as good a friend as I should have. I'm also sorry if this little display embarrasses you all; it's just something that I really need to get off my chest. I certainly can't change the past, and for the most part, I can't convince you of changes I've made these past few months...so, I know a lot of you and I are going to go our seperate ways and that's cool. I wish you the best, and I really hope that one day we'll get closer.
There. Now I'm quiet for the week. Have a good one, everyone. :)
