A Later Given

Hey there, all...

I sold 30 shamrocks, bringing my total to 560. I'm on fire! ;) Of course, I had a bit of help from Shady Raccoon and Wolphy, who both donated $5 a piece. Thanks guys!

I had a point I wanted to make, but Delphinios and Shady are both asleep in here so I'd better not make it just now. I'll post again sometime later.

For the record, I'm feeling a lot better. Thanks, everyone, for being so patient with me.

The Art of Noise

Hey there, all...

Yes, long awaited post and all that. Anyway, I've been sitting here and actually thinking now that I'm not depressed and everything...you know, abuot random stuff.

I don't like to argue or debate with people, because I really don't believe in the business of trying to persuade other people around to my point of view. Having an argument (or even a debate) leaves me pretty drained, and I usually end up getting upset and/or frustrated because I can't get out what I want to say the way I want to say it. I trip up over my words and I feel like my 'opponent' uses that to their advantage.

BUT...I've realized something recently. Debating is actually a good thing. Openly talking about your beliefs with another in a critical but friendly forum is a great way to temper them, as long as you don't have too much pride and ego to admit when you're wrong or mistaken. Debating forces you to actually *think* about your beliefs; there are holes in every sort of logic, especially when matters of faith come into play. See, you won't *have* an answer for everything, and there's a bit of purity in being able to answer "I don't know".

I had a conversation with a friend over the phone a very long time ago, and he really impressed me with his knowledge of his belief and his conviction. However, the thing that impressed me the most, and stuck with me to this day, is the fact that he was perfectly willing to accept the possibility that his entire world-view could be complete bunk, but he was happy with what he had. That's faith in its purest sense.

So...what brings this up? Well...if I'm truly going to go down the totemic path, than I'm going to have to stop covering things up in half-truths and lazily-accepted ways. I'm going to have to stop saying what I believe, and believing it.

Of course, *I* think this is Raven telling me to get my shit together, and start throwing down brass tacks. Why? Well, because that's what my gut tells me. I really can't offer a better explanation than that. Within this past month, I've had a general kick in the pants to get my life in order, stop messing around and *go* somewhere. Stop aimlessly wandering in a spiritual desert; just pick a direction and go. And of course, in order to do that I'm going to need some kind of conviction.

Recently, I've chosen to go on a vow of silence. I challenged a friend to go with me, and he agreed, though I don't think he's given it nearly as much thought as I have. That's OK, though; he's got shit to deal with. :)

I've done vows of silence twice before, and while they were pretty fascinating ultimately I've come away from them with a vague sense of disappointment, and I think I've finally figured out why. With the last two, I've been following the dogma of the idea, and not the spirit. I didn't talk, but I would still communicate things by gestures or writing. Now, I think that's bullshit. It's like getting around Lent by claiming the thing you gave up is necessary for survival, and then exploiting that excuse.

Why go on a vow of silence? Well, Larry King once said, "I have never learned anything by talking." While I don't normally think of Larry King as a fountain of wit and wisdom, it's something that's stuck with me since. We're all so...intent on expressing our point of view, of subjecting our opinions onto other people, on making sure *we're* heard...that we really don't bother to listen to what other people are talking about sometimes. We hear, but we don't *listen*. Every once in a while, you just need to shut the fuck up and listen to what the world has to say.

Not speaking is also a nice way of stripping down your ego. It's a willful decision to place yourself in a relatively submissive position, thus denying your ego's tendency to try to snatch power whenever it can. You're giving up the right to express your individuality...for that time, you're 'nothing special', just another face in the crowd...and that blending with the background affords you the opportunity to see things much more clearly than you would have if you tried to stand out.

So...I've decided that this won't 'technically' be a vow of silence. At work, I still have to speak to people in order to do my job. However, I won't make any statements that reflect me or my beliefs. Since this is a relatively new idea (at least for me), I'm sure I'll goof it up once or twice, but it's a chance I'm happy to take, especially if the payoff is worth it.

My vow of silence will begin March 20 (Beltaine!) and last for a week, until March 27. During this time I'll mainly be writing fiction and poetry, and probably working on Hope a lot more. I'll be on-line, too, but I'll be doing my best not to actually 'speak' with any of my characters.

Wish me luck. :)