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Ramadan, Day 5: Distractions.
Nov. 20th, 2001 06:55 pm
Hey there, all...
Yeah, I know I said I would update this every day, or something like that...but well, this is the first free moment I've gotten since I've been back. I got home from St. Louis at 4:30 p.m., went to work right after that, got off work at 11 p.m. and had to get back to work at 10 a.m. the next day. Ugh. Thankfully, I've got time off until 3rd shift tomorrow so I can spend the day relaxing, finally. Well, hopefully.
A lot's happened since I've come back, but first things first, I suppose. Midwest FurFest 2001 wasn't anywhere near as hectic as last year's con, so I guess I felt a lot more content at this con than I did last year. I actually got to hang out with a few of the people I wanted to! Of course, quite a few people were still missed. Sylvan, I really wanted to eat out with you this time. :/ There's always next year, though...maybe we'd better schedule it now, so I don't miss out again! :) Blackfeather, it was *wonderful* seeing you as always; wish we could have talked a lot more about things...I'm really disappointed in myself that I didn't keep closer to you, but we'll have ample opportunity coming up if I have anything to say about it. :)
I didn't really buy much of anything this go 'round, because honestly not that much caught my eye. There was a print from Chris B. Critter that ruled all (if I can manage to scan it in sometime, I'll just have to), and I snagged a copy of "The Rescuers Down Under" for Joey (I think he'd really be into the little roo-rat Jake), but other than that I either felt too guilty for asking for art or couldn't swing the 'exhorbitant' (well, to a convenience store clerk, anyway) prices some artists were charging. Besides, I was too busy paying for room/board and gas. :)
I had a really groovy conversation with Seph about a lot of things; you know, I really dig that guy. He's got a really tight head on those shoulders, and under all that hose-cock (yum!) lies a really thoughtful soul. :) It's groovy to see someone sexy *and* deep at the level of notoriety he has; there are all too few people out there like that. I've been blessed with meeting a lot of those, though. :)
I finally got to meet Ambrose (of DreamingMUSH infamy) Saturday; the meeting was as exciting, unexpected and nerve-wrecking as I imagined it would be, but still fun. Now I know where Ambrose gets that absolutely maddening sense of flirtation from, and his charming good looks. ;) If I were swung more that way, I'd probably make a pass at him or something. Unfortunately, since the player is a lot like the character, a bit of Purra surfaced in me as well; never quite got completely comfortable enough to really let loose. What is it with me being attracted to women who make me feel inferior?
If that last bit was confusing, good. It was meant to be. Ambrose'll get it, and for now it's our private secret. :)
I got to hang out with Tigerfolly/Jalen as well, and he's as neat as ever to hang with. :) We spazzed about music and all sorts of wrongness, and I displayed my dominance in everything from trash-talking to picking aimlessly at really nice acoustic guitars. He should head down to Arkansas for a spell; a nice time is guaranteed for all. :)
Ramadan started the Friday of the con, and remarkably it went smooth for the most part. I was watching the sunset on Friday afternoon; yeah, it was pretty, but the corn chips I had ready in my hand were oh so prettier. :) Oddly enough, it wasn't the fasting from sunup to sundown that was the hardest part; it was the avoidance of gorging myself like a pig once the sun went down that was absolutely murder. I failed Saturday night (went to The Olive Garden), but trust me, the bloated feeling after the meal was more than repayment enough for my straying from the ways for now. ;)
Now that I'm back home, it's not so bad, except when I get stressed and thirsty. I'd kill for a glass of water, but unfortunately that would mean breaking the taboo, wouldn't it? Still, it's not so bad...actually, it's pretty easy. The temptation of the Internet is a bit stronger, actually, which tells me that everyone was right all along; I am a bit too attached. The desire to see if Dustin or Laz or Ambrose is on is pretty strong even now; I miss them all already.
On the homefront, there've been a few things that just...make change necessary. Joey's being depressed and uncommunicative again, and it's frustrating me to the point where I'm thinking I should just throw my hands up about the whole thing. I really love him, and it kills me to think that I'm making him that unhappy. To me, communication is the cornerstone of any relationship, and if he's not comfortable just *talking* to me about what's on his mind, what does that say about us? I really think he should find someone he's better suited for; I'm never going to be what he wants me to be, even though I've been trying. I guess I'd be sad if it ended now, but more likely relieved knowing that I think I did what's right. We'd both be even worse off trying to make this work when we both know deep down it isn't going to. Sigh. I feel like such an ass sometimes. I can't keep it together.
This brings to mind Duncan, and 2, and Zephyrus, and Iridium, and everyone else I've tried hard to bond with after I've screwed things up somehow. Joey and everyone above has taught me something I've needed to know for a while, and I've been working to change all that. All of them have done their part to make me a better person, and with each failed relationship I've become a bit more stable, a little more balanced, with a better outlook about my place in the world. Unfortunately, none of these people want to listen to me long enough for me to tell them that all the hell they went through with me eventually paid off somehow. Now, Joey's the next one that'll grow more and more distant with time. I just know it.
So what do I do about it? I don't know...
I'm going to distract myself with some tarot cards or something, possibly meditation...both of which could very well bring me right back around to trying the solve the problem. Here's to hoping, right?
-David
Yeah, I know I said I would update this every day, or something like that...but well, this is the first free moment I've gotten since I've been back. I got home from St. Louis at 4:30 p.m., went to work right after that, got off work at 11 p.m. and had to get back to work at 10 a.m. the next day. Ugh. Thankfully, I've got time off until 3rd shift tomorrow so I can spend the day relaxing, finally. Well, hopefully.
A lot's happened since I've come back, but first things first, I suppose. Midwest FurFest 2001 wasn't anywhere near as hectic as last year's con, so I guess I felt a lot more content at this con than I did last year. I actually got to hang out with a few of the people I wanted to! Of course, quite a few people were still missed. Sylvan, I really wanted to eat out with you this time. :/ There's always next year, though...maybe we'd better schedule it now, so I don't miss out again! :) Blackfeather, it was *wonderful* seeing you as always; wish we could have talked a lot more about things...I'm really disappointed in myself that I didn't keep closer to you, but we'll have ample opportunity coming up if I have anything to say about it. :)
I didn't really buy much of anything this go 'round, because honestly not that much caught my eye. There was a print from Chris B. Critter that ruled all (if I can manage to scan it in sometime, I'll just have to), and I snagged a copy of "The Rescuers Down Under" for Joey (I think he'd really be into the little roo-rat Jake), but other than that I either felt too guilty for asking for art or couldn't swing the 'exhorbitant' (well, to a convenience store clerk, anyway) prices some artists were charging. Besides, I was too busy paying for room/board and gas. :)
I had a really groovy conversation with Seph about a lot of things; you know, I really dig that guy. He's got a really tight head on those shoulders, and under all that hose-cock (yum!) lies a really thoughtful soul. :) It's groovy to see someone sexy *and* deep at the level of notoriety he has; there are all too few people out there like that. I've been blessed with meeting a lot of those, though. :)
I finally got to meet Ambrose (of DreamingMUSH infamy) Saturday; the meeting was as exciting, unexpected and nerve-wrecking as I imagined it would be, but still fun. Now I know where Ambrose gets that absolutely maddening sense of flirtation from, and his charming good looks. ;) If I were swung more that way, I'd probably make a pass at him or something. Unfortunately, since the player is a lot like the character, a bit of Purra surfaced in me as well; never quite got completely comfortable enough to really let loose. What is it with me being attracted to women who make me feel inferior?
If that last bit was confusing, good. It was meant to be. Ambrose'll get it, and for now it's our private secret. :)
I got to hang out with Tigerfolly/Jalen as well, and he's as neat as ever to hang with. :) We spazzed about music and all sorts of wrongness, and I displayed my dominance in everything from trash-talking to picking aimlessly at really nice acoustic guitars. He should head down to Arkansas for a spell; a nice time is guaranteed for all. :)
Ramadan started the Friday of the con, and remarkably it went smooth for the most part. I was watching the sunset on Friday afternoon; yeah, it was pretty, but the corn chips I had ready in my hand were oh so prettier. :) Oddly enough, it wasn't the fasting from sunup to sundown that was the hardest part; it was the avoidance of gorging myself like a pig once the sun went down that was absolutely murder. I failed Saturday night (went to The Olive Garden), but trust me, the bloated feeling after the meal was more than repayment enough for my straying from the ways for now. ;)
Now that I'm back home, it's not so bad, except when I get stressed and thirsty. I'd kill for a glass of water, but unfortunately that would mean breaking the taboo, wouldn't it? Still, it's not so bad...actually, it's pretty easy. The temptation of the Internet is a bit stronger, actually, which tells me that everyone was right all along; I am a bit too attached. The desire to see if Dustin or Laz or Ambrose is on is pretty strong even now; I miss them all already.
On the homefront, there've been a few things that just...make change necessary. Joey's being depressed and uncommunicative again, and it's frustrating me to the point where I'm thinking I should just throw my hands up about the whole thing. I really love him, and it kills me to think that I'm making him that unhappy. To me, communication is the cornerstone of any relationship, and if he's not comfortable just *talking* to me about what's on his mind, what does that say about us? I really think he should find someone he's better suited for; I'm never going to be what he wants me to be, even though I've been trying. I guess I'd be sad if it ended now, but more likely relieved knowing that I think I did what's right. We'd both be even worse off trying to make this work when we both know deep down it isn't going to. Sigh. I feel like such an ass sometimes. I can't keep it together.
This brings to mind Duncan, and 2, and Zephyrus, and Iridium, and everyone else I've tried hard to bond with after I've screwed things up somehow. Joey and everyone above has taught me something I've needed to know for a while, and I've been working to change all that. All of them have done their part to make me a better person, and with each failed relationship I've become a bit more stable, a little more balanced, with a better outlook about my place in the world. Unfortunately, none of these people want to listen to me long enough for me to tell them that all the hell they went through with me eventually paid off somehow. Now, Joey's the next one that'll grow more and more distant with time. I just know it.
So what do I do about it? I don't know...
I'm going to distract myself with some tarot cards or something, possibly meditation...both of which could very well bring me right back around to trying the solve the problem. Here's to hoping, right?
-David
