More Pieces of an Endless Puzzle
Dec. 31st, 2003 05:13 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jakebe
OK, so I thought I should make a big New Year's spazz about the year we'll be closing tonight. Depending on how long it grows, I might put it behind a cut tag to save folks who aren't into being retrospectivesentimental.
Looking back on my final post of last year/first post of this year, I'm rather amazed at how much things change and stay the same. It almost feels like I haven't really gone anywhere, only I know this isn't true; most of the changes I've gone through have been under the surface, so there's not an obvious shift, but a meaningful one nonetheless.
I'm also surprised to see that I only broke two of my New Year's Resolutions last year, out of five, so that's a fairly good track record. Since I only have two this year, perhaps I can cut down the level of breakage even still.
There's no good way I can quantify what makes me different from the person I was this time last year. Most of the things I have to say sound more self-congratulatory than I'm comfortable with, when in reality it's been a mixed year at best; progress in some places, backsliding in others.
While I gained more confidence in my voice, my opinion and my abilities, I feel like I've lost empathy with a lot of people. While I've come to recognize my limit with situations and relationships that don't work, I've also been neglecting other relationships for no good reason. While I've become more independent in my thinking and decision-making, I've also been somewhat out of touch with the thoughts and lives of those around me. Admittedly, I've been a bit of a recluse this year; there's been an awful lot of untangling, but I have yet to integrate myself with my community.
My spirituality is developing from a vague set of half-realized beliefs to a more streamlined idea or two, and the more I read and think about what I'm doing in that area, the less I worry about doing the 'right' thing. I've also realized that most people who claim to know the 'right thing' are 99% full of shit. I don't begrudge them their practice, but they've no call telling me my own is off-kilter. To each his own.
Even still, I'm leaning more and more towards an agnostic view of the Universe every day. While I still feel the presence of something Divine quite often, and sometimes I even relate to It and give It a name, I realize that there's no way I can ever really know if my hunch is correct. Yes, the idea of God or an other benevolent spirit is comforting, but so is simply living a good life. I smile at the thought of God, but I also realize It's only a thought, and only as tangible as you believe it to be.
Buddhism has given way to full-out Zen, which to me highlights the core of the Dharma practice. I've developed an acute appreciation for the Four Noble Truths as I've come to understand them (There is suffering; Suffering is caused by attachments; The way to end suffering is to let go of attachments; To let go of attachments, follow the Eightfold Path.), and I've learned that the Path is not something that has to be worked towards; it's one of those things that just...come together when you realize the 'Truths' (I prefer the Four Noble Ideas, myself, for less dogmatism, but it's just not as catchy.). Stephen Batchelor in Buddhism Without Beliefs states that when you get a taste of the sublime sensation of true non-attachment, the Eightfold Path is just well, common sense.
Still, I can't say I'm completely non-attached. :) There are a lot of things I need to work on. This year I've realized how much my desire (especially when it comes to kinks) really make me demand more than I ought to from friends, and with that realization I've come to understand how people could be repulsed by me. Especially rabbits. ;) It's not the desire itself that causes the trouble, I think, because for me it's just a natural process. It's failing to understand that my desire does not have to consume me that's the problem. Often, I'll let me desire overrun my common sense, and I'll stay up too late for my own good, get moody when expectations aren't met, and ignore people who are unwilling or incapable of fulfilling that desire. It's a really awful thing to do, especially to someone you say is close to you.
I'm also way, way too attached to the idea of procrastination. I haven't done any significant writing this year besides Boomer Express, and there are so many ideas and projects (including "Salvation") that just haven't gotten very far because of my nigh-legendary affinity for just slacking off. It invades all aspects of my life, from the Bookshop to writing, to finances and gaming. I'd have to say it's the single most destructive influence in my life right now. So this means I'm going to have to start getting mercilessly hard about it.
The biggest pieces of my puzzle for the year are learning these two things; pinning down the root causes of destructive behavior. Now that they're identified they can be worked out.
The year wasn't a complete waste, though. On the storytelling/performance front, I've been cohost of "2 Sense" for the past several months and that's gotten me into being more comfortable in a performer's relationship with an audience. I also performed my first stand-up routine at MFF, and it was rather well-received. I'm sure there's a lot to work on still, but that comes with time and experience.
I returned to Boomer Express this past month, and I'm starting to find my way with it. Tyrnn's really come into his own as an artist and a storyteller, and I think we're meshing better than ever as a team. Once this storyline is done, I look forward to *really* gelling, and perhaps improving readership.
I'm much more comfortable with myself than I've ever been. I realize that I have flaws, and some of them are even pretty severe, but that doesn't necessarily make me a completely bad person. As long as I seek to improve myself, it only goes up from here. :)
This next year I look to take what I've learned and apply it. New knowledge is no good if it's never used. I want to be compassionate to those folks I know, loving to the folks I love, and respectful of the people I just don't get along with. I want to focus on my work, on what drives me; death is a reminder of the mortality that we all exist in, and that life itself is too amazing and ordinary to waste it on exceptional negativity or even mediocrity. Each moment can be perfect if you just let it. Even when you're doing something like scrubbing toilets or watching television.
Looking back on my final post of last year/first post of this year, I'm rather amazed at how much things change and stay the same. It almost feels like I haven't really gone anywhere, only I know this isn't true; most of the changes I've gone through have been under the surface, so there's not an obvious shift, but a meaningful one nonetheless.
I'm also surprised to see that I only broke two of my New Year's Resolutions last year, out of five, so that's a fairly good track record. Since I only have two this year, perhaps I can cut down the level of breakage even still.
There's no good way I can quantify what makes me different from the person I was this time last year. Most of the things I have to say sound more self-congratulatory than I'm comfortable with, when in reality it's been a mixed year at best; progress in some places, backsliding in others.
While I gained more confidence in my voice, my opinion and my abilities, I feel like I've lost empathy with a lot of people. While I've come to recognize my limit with situations and relationships that don't work, I've also been neglecting other relationships for no good reason. While I've become more independent in my thinking and decision-making, I've also been somewhat out of touch with the thoughts and lives of those around me. Admittedly, I've been a bit of a recluse this year; there's been an awful lot of untangling, but I have yet to integrate myself with my community.
My spirituality is developing from a vague set of half-realized beliefs to a more streamlined idea or two, and the more I read and think about what I'm doing in that area, the less I worry about doing the 'right' thing. I've also realized that most people who claim to know the 'right thing' are 99% full of shit. I don't begrudge them their practice, but they've no call telling me my own is off-kilter. To each his own.
Even still, I'm leaning more and more towards an agnostic view of the Universe every day. While I still feel the presence of something Divine quite often, and sometimes I even relate to It and give It a name, I realize that there's no way I can ever really know if my hunch is correct. Yes, the idea of God or an other benevolent spirit is comforting, but so is simply living a good life. I smile at the thought of God, but I also realize It's only a thought, and only as tangible as you believe it to be.
Buddhism has given way to full-out Zen, which to me highlights the core of the Dharma practice. I've developed an acute appreciation for the Four Noble Truths as I've come to understand them (There is suffering; Suffering is caused by attachments; The way to end suffering is to let go of attachments; To let go of attachments, follow the Eightfold Path.), and I've learned that the Path is not something that has to be worked towards; it's one of those things that just...come together when you realize the 'Truths' (I prefer the Four Noble Ideas, myself, for less dogmatism, but it's just not as catchy.). Stephen Batchelor in Buddhism Without Beliefs states that when you get a taste of the sublime sensation of true non-attachment, the Eightfold Path is just well, common sense.
Still, I can't say I'm completely non-attached. :) There are a lot of things I need to work on. This year I've realized how much my desire (especially when it comes to kinks) really make me demand more than I ought to from friends, and with that realization I've come to understand how people could be repulsed by me. Especially rabbits. ;) It's not the desire itself that causes the trouble, I think, because for me it's just a natural process. It's failing to understand that my desire does not have to consume me that's the problem. Often, I'll let me desire overrun my common sense, and I'll stay up too late for my own good, get moody when expectations aren't met, and ignore people who are unwilling or incapable of fulfilling that desire. It's a really awful thing to do, especially to someone you say is close to you.
I'm also way, way too attached to the idea of procrastination. I haven't done any significant writing this year besides Boomer Express, and there are so many ideas and projects (including "Salvation") that just haven't gotten very far because of my nigh-legendary affinity for just slacking off. It invades all aspects of my life, from the Bookshop to writing, to finances and gaming. I'd have to say it's the single most destructive influence in my life right now. So this means I'm going to have to start getting mercilessly hard about it.
The biggest pieces of my puzzle for the year are learning these two things; pinning down the root causes of destructive behavior. Now that they're identified they can be worked out.
The year wasn't a complete waste, though. On the storytelling/performance front, I've been cohost of "2 Sense" for the past several months and that's gotten me into being more comfortable in a performer's relationship with an audience. I also performed my first stand-up routine at MFF, and it was rather well-received. I'm sure there's a lot to work on still, but that comes with time and experience.
I returned to Boomer Express this past month, and I'm starting to find my way with it. Tyrnn's really come into his own as an artist and a storyteller, and I think we're meshing better than ever as a team. Once this storyline is done, I look forward to *really* gelling, and perhaps improving readership.
I'm much more comfortable with myself than I've ever been. I realize that I have flaws, and some of them are even pretty severe, but that doesn't necessarily make me a completely bad person. As long as I seek to improve myself, it only goes up from here. :)
This next year I look to take what I've learned and apply it. New knowledge is no good if it's never used. I want to be compassionate to those folks I know, loving to the folks I love, and respectful of the people I just don't get along with. I want to focus on my work, on what drives me; death is a reminder of the mortality that we all exist in, and that life itself is too amazing and ordinary to waste it on exceptional negativity or even mediocrity. Each moment can be perfect if you just let it. Even when you're doing something like scrubbing toilets or watching television.
