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jakebe
I've been in a pretty big funk all day, mainly because of general fatigue and me being stupid by staying up late on-line. I've been pretty good about not being on when I know I shouldn't so far, but last night I slipped and well...I'm paying the price for it now.
I won't whine about feeling ignored or whatever...this happens often, and most of the time it's a matter of timing. Besides, I *did* have a few good conversations with a couple of folks anyway, so in perspective it's no big deal.
Two things, however, really stung: one is a chronic problem I keep having to deal with in one person in particular. I stopped playing a character he really liked and it seems every time I get into a conversation with him for any length of time it always comes back to that. I've done my best to compromise, acknowledge when I've been selfish and make amends for it, but it's never enough. It's a very enormous drain to constantly have to defend myself whenever I attract his attention. I like the guy quite a bit, and I respect him, but at this point I'm wondering if further contact is a good thing at all. This is something he can't get past, and anything I say just makes things worse. Best intentions mean nothing at this point.
Another fellow has put me on ignore, again, for reasons that he won't talk about...again. Every time I feel like I'm making progress, I get kicked in the teeth for reasons I can't discern. At this point, I'm washing my hands. Obviously, there's nothing I can do here, especially since the other party refuses to communicate. I won't say I'm entirely innocent; there must be something I've done. But I'm not into the whole righteous indignation thing. Tell me what's up, I'll offer a defense or apologize and we'll both try to do better next time. I'm not going to do all the work and get slapped down for not reading minds though. I'm done.
It all comes down to attachments. Both of these people, for various reasons, are people I've become interested in. I see a lot of myself in these two, and I think they're basically good, but there comes a point when you realize that people might not be good for *each other*. I've had to break ties with a few people this year; some were incredibly easy, but these...I keep finding myself in this exact same spot time and again because I really *do* want to find the spark with these people that will make everything all right.
I'm just tired. And lonely. The number of people I can really lean on are counted on one hand, and they're all...not here. Not to say the people who *are* here aren't great...(have to dig myself out of the hole, now), but I just don't feel comfortable bearing my problems to folks. They've got enough to deal with, and I'm not sure I'm that close to just unburden my soul on anyone.
What I could use is an extended vacation with *someone* I can just relax around. No drama or psychotics or anything.
As it stands, I'll have to settle on locking myself in my room and writing.
I won't whine about feeling ignored or whatever...this happens often, and most of the time it's a matter of timing. Besides, I *did* have a few good conversations with a couple of folks anyway, so in perspective it's no big deal.
Two things, however, really stung: one is a chronic problem I keep having to deal with in one person in particular. I stopped playing a character he really liked and it seems every time I get into a conversation with him for any length of time it always comes back to that. I've done my best to compromise, acknowledge when I've been selfish and make amends for it, but it's never enough. It's a very enormous drain to constantly have to defend myself whenever I attract his attention. I like the guy quite a bit, and I respect him, but at this point I'm wondering if further contact is a good thing at all. This is something he can't get past, and anything I say just makes things worse. Best intentions mean nothing at this point.
Another fellow has put me on ignore, again, for reasons that he won't talk about...again. Every time I feel like I'm making progress, I get kicked in the teeth for reasons I can't discern. At this point, I'm washing my hands. Obviously, there's nothing I can do here, especially since the other party refuses to communicate. I won't say I'm entirely innocent; there must be something I've done. But I'm not into the whole righteous indignation thing. Tell me what's up, I'll offer a defense or apologize and we'll both try to do better next time. I'm not going to do all the work and get slapped down for not reading minds though. I'm done.
It all comes down to attachments. Both of these people, for various reasons, are people I've become interested in. I see a lot of myself in these two, and I think they're basically good, but there comes a point when you realize that people might not be good for *each other*. I've had to break ties with a few people this year; some were incredibly easy, but these...I keep finding myself in this exact same spot time and again because I really *do* want to find the spark with these people that will make everything all right.
I'm just tired. And lonely. The number of people I can really lean on are counted on one hand, and they're all...not here. Not to say the people who *are* here aren't great...(have to dig myself out of the hole, now), but I just don't feel comfortable bearing my problems to folks. They've got enough to deal with, and I'm not sure I'm that close to just unburden my soul on anyone.
What I could use is an extended vacation with *someone* I can just relax around. No drama or psychotics or anything.
As it stands, I'll have to settle on locking myself in my room and writing.
