(Late) Laundry List
Sep. 19th, 2003 07:41 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jakebe
Hey there, all...
Behold the true horrors of what I eat.
1 bowl of Cranberry Almond Crunch cereal
a swig of Cran-Raspberry juice
two slices of brownie
1 Snickers bar
1 bag of Nacho Cheese tortilla chips
1 Mocha Frappuccino
1 bag of Wild Berry Skittles
25 pieces of cheddar cheese pretzel twists
a bunch of round tortilla chips
some cheddar cheese dip
two cups of cran-raspberry juice
Very poor nutrition, eh?
I hope everyone made it through Isabel OK.
After a talk with Eliahn, I realized just how...not good at talking to other people I am. I'm feeling increasingly awkward around people, and part of me is comfortable with this, and the other part really doesn't jive well. I'm...shy. But confident. So it comes off as aloofness or insensitivity, and that's the part that drives me crazy. There's a lot that I never say (it's why Corvusegg is so empty) because there's no way I can put things into words without it sounding like some New Age diatribe. In general, I feel really good about things, and this is going to sound weird, but I'm often...dumbstruck by the beauty in things. And when I try to speak about it, a knot forms in my throat and I can't. I often feel like the Beautiful Weirdo in "American Beauty"...there's so *much* beauty in the world, I feel like I can't take it.
I think about these things often. The unity in all things and all people. My reasons for being afraid of things. The needlessness of this fear. The potential of every single human being on this planet, even the people who've hurt me too much to ever really talk to them. The reasons I get annoyed at people. The unexpected instances of cattiness and apathy I have towards people. The way I can see everyone and everything as God. Why I can't see that all the time. The reasons I can't relate this specifically to other people. I just don't know how.
Most of the people around me openly scoff at the idea of spirituality, or the inherent beauty in the world, or the potential for every single person to be good. Sometimes I really feel NARFA buys into the 'we-don't-give-a-shit' image way too well. These are *all* good people though; I love all of them, for different reasons, and it wears on me more than anyone knows that people can't seem to get along. I'm tired of hearing bitter things from people all the time, weary from it, and I hate myself for contributing at times but...I don't know, I guess it's empathy.
They're all good people, but my mouth is filled with ideas that get twisted in the translation. I don't know what these other people think of me; I'm pretty sure to an awful lot of people I look self-centered, anti-social, obsessive, aloof, insensitive, overly opinionated...and the same holds true with people on-line. One or two people have expressed frustrations about me directly as far as talking to me; and I'm sorry, but there's this block there. I've been hurt a lot. I'm not sure I can feel comfortable with people any more. The only times I've been truly content these days is if I'm writing or reading. People are too unpredictable. People snap at you. People ignore you. People hurt you. Constantly.
Believe it or not (especially those of you that have known me for a while), I used to have a thicker skin than this. :) I could take a lot more of this and...never mind. I've always been like this. I just processed and dealt with it differently. :)
The worst part is that I really shouldn't be complaining. I've snapped at people, and I've ignored them, and I may have even hurt one or two people, even though I can't see myself being that important to do so. Because some people have left a bad taste in my mouth, any other contact has that flavor, only I'm the one giving it. I create a cycle, and I *see* this, and I know it shouldn't be.
I get jealous. I get needy. I become frustrated. There have been numerous people over the past year that I've just stopped talking to because I couldn't figure out how, and I can't ever seem to get help. When did interaction become such a mystery to me?
There's a guy on FM by the name of DonQuixote who I've come to regard as a shining example of friendly optimism. I almost never page him back when he says hi to me; I'm embroiled in a conversation, or several of them, and I see it and forget about it. But as long as he sees me on-line, he never stops. He doesn't wonder if I like him or not, he doesn't guilt-trip me about not responding. He's...happy to see me, every time. He never questions or judges. He just says hi.
This is an amazing thing to me. :) Is it possible for me to have this unattached generosity of goodwill? I'd like to think so. He's the kind of person I'd ultimately like to be.
In the meantime, I guess I have to work a lot out. I feel a lot less messed up than I was about two years ago, but there are still pockets of me sucking that I've become acutely aware of.
I should end this and catch the bus, else I'll be late.
Behold the true horrors of what I eat.
1 bowl of Cranberry Almond Crunch cereal
a swig of Cran-Raspberry juice
two slices of brownie
1 Snickers bar
1 bag of Nacho Cheese tortilla chips
1 Mocha Frappuccino
1 bag of Wild Berry Skittles
25 pieces of cheddar cheese pretzel twists
a bunch of round tortilla chips
some cheddar cheese dip
two cups of cran-raspberry juice
Very poor nutrition, eh?
I hope everyone made it through Isabel OK.
After a talk with Eliahn, I realized just how...not good at talking to other people I am. I'm feeling increasingly awkward around people, and part of me is comfortable with this, and the other part really doesn't jive well. I'm...shy. But confident. So it comes off as aloofness or insensitivity, and that's the part that drives me crazy. There's a lot that I never say (it's why Corvusegg is so empty) because there's no way I can put things into words without it sounding like some New Age diatribe. In general, I feel really good about things, and this is going to sound weird, but I'm often...dumbstruck by the beauty in things. And when I try to speak about it, a knot forms in my throat and I can't. I often feel like the Beautiful Weirdo in "American Beauty"...there's so *much* beauty in the world, I feel like I can't take it.
I think about these things often. The unity in all things and all people. My reasons for being afraid of things. The needlessness of this fear. The potential of every single human being on this planet, even the people who've hurt me too much to ever really talk to them. The reasons I get annoyed at people. The unexpected instances of cattiness and apathy I have towards people. The way I can see everyone and everything as God. Why I can't see that all the time. The reasons I can't relate this specifically to other people. I just don't know how.
Most of the people around me openly scoff at the idea of spirituality, or the inherent beauty in the world, or the potential for every single person to be good. Sometimes I really feel NARFA buys into the 'we-don't-give-a-shit' image way too well. These are *all* good people though; I love all of them, for different reasons, and it wears on me more than anyone knows that people can't seem to get along. I'm tired of hearing bitter things from people all the time, weary from it, and I hate myself for contributing at times but...I don't know, I guess it's empathy.
They're all good people, but my mouth is filled with ideas that get twisted in the translation. I don't know what these other people think of me; I'm pretty sure to an awful lot of people I look self-centered, anti-social, obsessive, aloof, insensitive, overly opinionated...and the same holds true with people on-line. One or two people have expressed frustrations about me directly as far as talking to me; and I'm sorry, but there's this block there. I've been hurt a lot. I'm not sure I can feel comfortable with people any more. The only times I've been truly content these days is if I'm writing or reading. People are too unpredictable. People snap at you. People ignore you. People hurt you. Constantly.
Believe it or not (especially those of you that have known me for a while), I used to have a thicker skin than this. :) I could take a lot more of this and...never mind. I've always been like this. I just processed and dealt with it differently. :)
The worst part is that I really shouldn't be complaining. I've snapped at people, and I've ignored them, and I may have even hurt one or two people, even though I can't see myself being that important to do so. Because some people have left a bad taste in my mouth, any other contact has that flavor, only I'm the one giving it. I create a cycle, and I *see* this, and I know it shouldn't be.
I get jealous. I get needy. I become frustrated. There have been numerous people over the past year that I've just stopped talking to because I couldn't figure out how, and I can't ever seem to get help. When did interaction become such a mystery to me?
There's a guy on FM by the name of DonQuixote who I've come to regard as a shining example of friendly optimism. I almost never page him back when he says hi to me; I'm embroiled in a conversation, or several of them, and I see it and forget about it. But as long as he sees me on-line, he never stops. He doesn't wonder if I like him or not, he doesn't guilt-trip me about not responding. He's...happy to see me, every time. He never questions or judges. He just says hi.
This is an amazing thing to me. :) Is it possible for me to have this unattached generosity of goodwill? I'd like to think so. He's the kind of person I'd ultimately like to be.
In the meantime, I guess I have to work a lot out. I feel a lot less messed up than I was about two years ago, but there are still pockets of me sucking that I've become acutely aware of.
I should end this and catch the bus, else I'll be late.
