Around the Corner, a Trigger
Aug. 18th, 2003 11:20 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jakebe
Hey there, all...
This weekend wasn't long enough. Played in a surprise Odis game (he's probably the best GM I've ever had, btw) on Friday, saw "Freddy vs. Jason" (incredibly non-PC; I loved it) on Saturday and went to the Mage/Werewolf/Changeling game on Sunday. I wanted to spend more time with a few folks on-line, but alas, it could not be done.
Charles is becoming more and more like old crotchety grandfather who grumbles a whole lot at everything in general, but really loves a lot. It's getting to the point where it's one of the most comforting things in the day to see him laugh. And he does so more often than you'd think. I *love* my job. :)
He asked me today out of the blue if I thought I was wasting my life. I was so thrown off by the question I immediately went into defensive mode and stammered for quite a bit before I answered, "Well, no...I'm getting where I want to be. Why do you ask?" He was just making general conversation. But the question stuck with me and I had to think about it. Well, what *am* I doing with myself?
"2 Sense" is the biggest thing I've got going right now. I spend a few hours each week finding stuff for the Furry News or (attempting) answering e-mails or browsing through the message forums, and we record an hour-long show every week that a lot of people listen to. And a lot of people don't. :)
I'm in a very odd situation. Miller made a comment in his LJ the other day that has stuck with me for a while, and it's that celebrity ruins more good artists than anything else in the world. I'm horrified about that concept, because it's true. There are so many factors that go into it, but fame really does ruin a lot of good, healthy artistic processes.
Nowhere is this more prevalent than in, say, the Rap/R&B scene. Every few years some fellow breaks through from an underground following to the mainstream, blows up and blows out in the span of a few years. Drugs, or murder, or pretentiousness to the point of self-parody always gets them in the end. I mean, the longest lasting respected person in R&B I can think of right now is Mary J. Blige, and even then she's not the biggest seller in the world. But Whitney, and Mariah? They're laughed at for being washed-up divas with delusions of grandeur. Even people like Erykah Badu, Lauryn Hill and A Tribe Called Quest are falling to it.
I've always wondered if that was truly the natural order of things in an artist's life. If your work always has to degrade once a lot of people notice you. I think that if you're a writer or a comedian or a musician then you're always hungry when you first start out, you always have something to prove. You bust your ass making sure something is right, exactly right, exactly the way it needs to be before you even think about moving on. You've got something to prove, and you pull your art from the places you know, which is quite often what people can relate to most; the every day, the things that everyone has to go through. Once you're famous though, you're removed from that life that fueled your art, you lose touch with it. You're sheltered by accountants and bodyguards and too much money. You can't make the same honest art because you're not living on the streets any more, you're jetting from hotel to hotel, and that makes for really pompous art (read: *everyone* at Bad Boy).
There are folks who manage to remain 'true', though. Jazz musicians, say. Tracy Chapman, R.E.M., Etta James(!). They'd never think about betraying the life they came from for the sake of fame, because they know that's what keeps them going. Their styles and themes may change with age, but they still hold on to that basic *something* that made them what they are in the first place.
Anyway, I really don't want to turn this into "Oh, I'm a celebrity and it's *such* a burden." thing. Because I hate those things. And I really hate the idea that I would do such a thing. I don't even like the idea of *admitting* popularity, because it's been such a thing with me for so long. There's serious love-hate relationship going on there.
I'm still trying to figure this all out. I'm really terrified of becoming 'famous'. Or, really, I'm terrified of what that means for how I work, and how I create. It doesn't *have* to mean anything, and I'm attaching far too much importance to the idea, but I'm not really sure how to detach it without retreating. The attention that I've been getting from complete strangers, the well-wishes, the random conversations are all immensely gratifying. I'm a Leo, and I'd be a flat-out liar if I said anything otherwise. :) At the same time, I'm kind of freaked out by it.
So, what do I want to do with my life? I want to tell stories. Why am I not doing this? I have no idea. I have so many stories on the tip of my tongue, and all I have to do is open my mouth and tell them, but when I do I get this fear. "I can't do you justice," I say. "Wait until I can." So these stories are just sitting there, waiting for the right moment to be told.
Any and every moment is the right moment. The only thing holding me back from what I really want to do -- even handling this sudden...small pocket of fame -- is fear. And taking it way too seriously. Why do I give so much gravity to something that is no big deal? Everyone who's talked to me because of the "2 Sense" thing so far has been great, and there's no real reason to be afraid, or weirded out, or complaining. Why am I so tweaked?
In the end, I don't really want to be thought of as a great anything. I want my stories to beget more stories, inspire more things in people. That's the way I want to become a grandfather. If people can't remember my face or name before I die, then that's all well and good. As long as they remember the stories I have.
On a lark I decided to give the good Father Glomblechucks a journal. It was a good way to spend downtime during Sunday's game when the Storyteller was handling other business with other players. It's really helped put a face on him. :) I'll include it when I'm done writing. The biggest challenge, I think, is coming up with ways to describe everything that's going on without using game terms. Unless there's an equivalent for it in game, gratuitous use of 'willpower' or 'ratings' really make my teeth itch.
This weekend wasn't long enough. Played in a surprise Odis game (he's probably the best GM I've ever had, btw) on Friday, saw "Freddy vs. Jason" (incredibly non-PC; I loved it) on Saturday and went to the Mage/Werewolf/Changeling game on Sunday. I wanted to spend more time with a few folks on-line, but alas, it could not be done.
Charles is becoming more and more like old crotchety grandfather who grumbles a whole lot at everything in general, but really loves a lot. It's getting to the point where it's one of the most comforting things in the day to see him laugh. And he does so more often than you'd think. I *love* my job. :)
He asked me today out of the blue if I thought I was wasting my life. I was so thrown off by the question I immediately went into defensive mode and stammered for quite a bit before I answered, "Well, no...I'm getting where I want to be. Why do you ask?" He was just making general conversation. But the question stuck with me and I had to think about it. Well, what *am* I doing with myself?
"2 Sense" is the biggest thing I've got going right now. I spend a few hours each week finding stuff for the Furry News or (attempting) answering e-mails or browsing through the message forums, and we record an hour-long show every week that a lot of people listen to. And a lot of people don't. :)
I'm in a very odd situation. Miller made a comment in his LJ the other day that has stuck with me for a while, and it's that celebrity ruins more good artists than anything else in the world. I'm horrified about that concept, because it's true. There are so many factors that go into it, but fame really does ruin a lot of good, healthy artistic processes.
Nowhere is this more prevalent than in, say, the Rap/R&B scene. Every few years some fellow breaks through from an underground following to the mainstream, blows up and blows out in the span of a few years. Drugs, or murder, or pretentiousness to the point of self-parody always gets them in the end. I mean, the longest lasting respected person in R&B I can think of right now is Mary J. Blige, and even then she's not the biggest seller in the world. But Whitney, and Mariah? They're laughed at for being washed-up divas with delusions of grandeur. Even people like Erykah Badu, Lauryn Hill and A Tribe Called Quest are falling to it.
I've always wondered if that was truly the natural order of things in an artist's life. If your work always has to degrade once a lot of people notice you. I think that if you're a writer or a comedian or a musician then you're always hungry when you first start out, you always have something to prove. You bust your ass making sure something is right, exactly right, exactly the way it needs to be before you even think about moving on. You've got something to prove, and you pull your art from the places you know, which is quite often what people can relate to most; the every day, the things that everyone has to go through. Once you're famous though, you're removed from that life that fueled your art, you lose touch with it. You're sheltered by accountants and bodyguards and too much money. You can't make the same honest art because you're not living on the streets any more, you're jetting from hotel to hotel, and that makes for really pompous art (read: *everyone* at Bad Boy).
There are folks who manage to remain 'true', though. Jazz musicians, say. Tracy Chapman, R.E.M., Etta James(!). They'd never think about betraying the life they came from for the sake of fame, because they know that's what keeps them going. Their styles and themes may change with age, but they still hold on to that basic *something* that made them what they are in the first place.
Anyway, I really don't want to turn this into "Oh, I'm a celebrity and it's *such* a burden." thing. Because I hate those things. And I really hate the idea that I would do such a thing. I don't even like the idea of *admitting* popularity, because it's been such a thing with me for so long. There's serious love-hate relationship going on there.
I'm still trying to figure this all out. I'm really terrified of becoming 'famous'. Or, really, I'm terrified of what that means for how I work, and how I create. It doesn't *have* to mean anything, and I'm attaching far too much importance to the idea, but I'm not really sure how to detach it without retreating. The attention that I've been getting from complete strangers, the well-wishes, the random conversations are all immensely gratifying. I'm a Leo, and I'd be a flat-out liar if I said anything otherwise. :) At the same time, I'm kind of freaked out by it.
So, what do I want to do with my life? I want to tell stories. Why am I not doing this? I have no idea. I have so many stories on the tip of my tongue, and all I have to do is open my mouth and tell them, but when I do I get this fear. "I can't do you justice," I say. "Wait until I can." So these stories are just sitting there, waiting for the right moment to be told.
Any and every moment is the right moment. The only thing holding me back from what I really want to do -- even handling this sudden...small pocket of fame -- is fear. And taking it way too seriously. Why do I give so much gravity to something that is no big deal? Everyone who's talked to me because of the "2 Sense" thing so far has been great, and there's no real reason to be afraid, or weirded out, or complaining. Why am I so tweaked?
In the end, I don't really want to be thought of as a great anything. I want my stories to beget more stories, inspire more things in people. That's the way I want to become a grandfather. If people can't remember my face or name before I die, then that's all well and good. As long as they remember the stories I have.
On a lark I decided to give the good Father Glomblechucks a journal. It was a good way to spend downtime during Sunday's game when the Storyteller was handling other business with other players. It's really helped put a face on him. :) I'll include it when I'm done writing. The biggest challenge, I think, is coming up with ways to describe everything that's going on without using game terms. Unless there's an equivalent for it in game, gratuitous use of 'willpower' or 'ratings' really make my teeth itch.
