Ramadan: Deeper Into The Rabbit Hole...
Dec. 10th, 2001 03:58 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jakebe
Hey there, all...
Ramadan is going well, I suppose, but not as well as I would like it go. I was thinking about trying it again in a different form once the actual holiday was over, setting my own rules and seeing what worked for me and what didn't. I know one thing, though; I definitely need more self-control. I don't think I was made to deny myself...I'm a creature of excesses and extremes, for better and for worse.
Which leads me to another problem...
I'm unhappy for the most part. Now, unhappy is different from being discontent; I think I'm unhappy precisely because I'm content. I feel like I'm stagnating, boxing myself in to the old American way of work, eat, sleep, work, eat, sleep....and if I don't do something to stop helping others consume so that I can just go right home and consume as well, then I may as well die. This isn't life; it's just stuff.
Joey...likes to have things. He likes to have a collection of neat and useful stuff so that he can make things. He wants to spiff this place up, make it look like a home. I suppose I can respect that, but I really don't think it's for me. I work best with ideas and dreams, things that you can't hold in your hands, or watch or drink out of. I don't want to 'waste' my money on futons or curtains so that the house looks nice, and I don't want to sink money into stuff that I probably won't use anyway, will get broken by someone else and wasted. It's not mine, then. It's a sink of my cash, and I'd rather be spending it on books, music and writing supplies.
Don't get me wrong; it's *nice* to have a comfortable place to sleep. It's nice to have a TV, and a DVD player, and computers so I can type this out and display it all out for people to see. But it's not what gives me life, and I never want it to become more important to me than living. Is that wrong?
Before Joey got here, this place only had the couch, a little bit of food in the fridge, and a bundle of mattresses where I curled up to sleep in. I loved it...it was minimalist, and harsh. No distractions, no frills, just me, what I loved and the cold of winter or the heat of summer. Now, everything's a lot nice, people have places to sleep, there are things to do, food to eat, things to drink...it's become a lot more...civilized place to be. And mainly, it's been Joey's direction. I'm happy for everyone.
Lately, though, this house is less and less mine. All I own has been shoved along one wall, and Joey's influence is felt more and more along this house than mine... I don't know if this is where the old Leonine territoriality is kicking in, or what, but it's really bugging me that the place I live in doesn't even feel like home any more. The things I buy aren't used by me (the futons I got were used by Joey and any other company while I hunted for floor space over the weekend), the things I want or need (books, Christmas music and presents for friends, glasses and a driver's liscence) I can't have because I'm constantly shelling for a forgotten bill or household necessity, and my general happiness feels sapped by people constantly bashing Christmas. Doesn't *anybody* believe in Christmas any more?
I feel trapped right now, more than anything, and I honestly don't know what to do about it. Where do I draw the line? Is there a line to draw? Is this whole idea just a product of my own selfishness? How much do I give before I become a doormat? Part of me is telling me that the simple solution to all of this is to just learn to say "No," and be firm about it. I don't know if I like the idea of becoming an asshole, though; I'm lonely enough as it is.
I went on a Journey Saturday night. Hethe helped me with it; it was quite surprising...but more on that later.
Ramadan is going well, I suppose, but not as well as I would like it go. I was thinking about trying it again in a different form once the actual holiday was over, setting my own rules and seeing what worked for me and what didn't. I know one thing, though; I definitely need more self-control. I don't think I was made to deny myself...I'm a creature of excesses and extremes, for better and for worse.
Which leads me to another problem...
I'm unhappy for the most part. Now, unhappy is different from being discontent; I think I'm unhappy precisely because I'm content. I feel like I'm stagnating, boxing myself in to the old American way of work, eat, sleep, work, eat, sleep....and if I don't do something to stop helping others consume so that I can just go right home and consume as well, then I may as well die. This isn't life; it's just stuff.
Joey...likes to have things. He likes to have a collection of neat and useful stuff so that he can make things. He wants to spiff this place up, make it look like a home. I suppose I can respect that, but I really don't think it's for me. I work best with ideas and dreams, things that you can't hold in your hands, or watch or drink out of. I don't want to 'waste' my money on futons or curtains so that the house looks nice, and I don't want to sink money into stuff that I probably won't use anyway, will get broken by someone else and wasted. It's not mine, then. It's a sink of my cash, and I'd rather be spending it on books, music and writing supplies.
Don't get me wrong; it's *nice* to have a comfortable place to sleep. It's nice to have a TV, and a DVD player, and computers so I can type this out and display it all out for people to see. But it's not what gives me life, and I never want it to become more important to me than living. Is that wrong?
Before Joey got here, this place only had the couch, a little bit of food in the fridge, and a bundle of mattresses where I curled up to sleep in. I loved it...it was minimalist, and harsh. No distractions, no frills, just me, what I loved and the cold of winter or the heat of summer. Now, everything's a lot nice, people have places to sleep, there are things to do, food to eat, things to drink...it's become a lot more...civilized place to be. And mainly, it's been Joey's direction. I'm happy for everyone.
Lately, though, this house is less and less mine. All I own has been shoved along one wall, and Joey's influence is felt more and more along this house than mine... I don't know if this is where the old Leonine territoriality is kicking in, or what, but it's really bugging me that the place I live in doesn't even feel like home any more. The things I buy aren't used by me (the futons I got were used by Joey and any other company while I hunted for floor space over the weekend), the things I want or need (books, Christmas music and presents for friends, glasses and a driver's liscence) I can't have because I'm constantly shelling for a forgotten bill or household necessity, and my general happiness feels sapped by people constantly bashing Christmas. Doesn't *anybody* believe in Christmas any more?
I feel trapped right now, more than anything, and I honestly don't know what to do about it. Where do I draw the line? Is there a line to draw? Is this whole idea just a product of my own selfishness? How much do I give before I become a doormat? Part of me is telling me that the simple solution to all of this is to just learn to say "No," and be firm about it. I don't know if I like the idea of becoming an asshole, though; I'm lonely enough as it is.
I went on a Journey Saturday night. Hethe helped me with it; it was quite surprising...but more on that later.
