A Rambling Confessional
Feb. 27th, 2003 06:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jakebe
Hey there, all...
Welcome to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
astor_apatosaur and mysticleopard, and thanks everyone for the comments about the last post. I think I've pretty much chalked up the situation as a mistake I've learned from, and I'm going to let it go at that.
duncanroo mentioned this, and so did a couple of other people I've talked to about the whole thing, and it's got me thinking...
Maybe it's because of my Jehovah's Witness upbringing, or natural idealism, or both, but I'm a pretty strongly opinionated person when I want to be. Morality and politics are two things I tend to get pretty loud about for one thing, and I recognize it as a flaw, and a blessing. For one, I'm passionate about being active to improve your lot and the lot of those around you. On the other hand, not everyone agrees that lots need improving, much less the way *I'd* think on going about it.
I've mentioned this before, but I always feel like a heel after voicing an opinion on something that folks don't agree with. When I debate with someone, usually I think of it as an exchange of ideas; here's why I feel this way, that's why you feel that way. I hate the idea of competitive "I'm right, you're wrong" discussions, even though I feel like it *looks* like I indulge in those way too much.
That being said, there's a few things that just piss me off instinctively: smugness/arrogance, indifference, uncompassionate thinking. Oftentimes, those three are very intimately linked...where you'll find one, you'll find the others in some degree. Unfortunately, a lot of people I know are of Libertarian or Objectivist bent, and waves of discompassion just hit you when you broach certain subjects with these folks. Generally, all *really great* people, but just don't express any kind of liberal views within a healthy radius. :)
See...I'm going to get in trouble for that last paragraph, I just know it.
My dilemma is this, most of the time: a lot of people I know are awesome in most respects, but they're largely uncompassionate. Great with responsibility, great with generosity, but when it comes to trying to empathize with someone else, nothing doing.
We've had so much guilt thrown at us all the time growing up, I think. You go to church, you get to feel guilty for however long you're there. You have parents, they lay at least *one* major guilt trip on you growing up. You have an unstable/psycho friend, they lay at least one guilt trip on you a *day*. I know, because I've been that friend, and on some level I knew what I was doing. It may have been subconscious, I may never have actively realized what I was doing, but some part of me always knew that guilt factored in to some statements and decisions I've made.
At any rate...tangent. We all have a very extreme aversion to guilt. To the point where if we feel in the least bit guilty about something, we lash out at the perceived source of the guilt. It may be a friend, or a homeless stranger, but there's always that resentment towards the source of that guilt. We ignore the conscience and remove the cause so that we don't have to listen to that little, nagging voice any more. That way, we can just keep going about our normal routines.
It's just not cool to feel guilty any more.
I think it's because most of us hate the idea that we're doing something wrong, especially if it's something wrong on a basic level. Most of us prefer comfort over conscience, so if something doesn't feel right morally we justify it with how much easier it makes things. Everyone does it to some degree. There are a lot of wrong ideas and actions that I hate to face up to, personally, but I'm going to have to, because if I don't, I don't progress. There are a lot of things that I'm going to have to be brutally honest about in order to just...let go and move on. In some respects, I've owned up to it, but for the most part...
On-line, for the past...seven years I've been here, I've been a little shithead. In some ways, I continue to be a shithead, but I'm far less crappy now than I was even...a year ago. When I first popped up here at the age of 16, I was consumed by the overwhelming need to be liked, to be accepted...to the point that I did things that I'm very much ashamed of now. Looking back on those two wasted years of college, on several friends that I've lost, on a lot of people I never got to meet because I was just a basket-case, looking back at all the time and energy and everything I've wasted and hated and felt guilty about...it's just insane.
It makes me feel pretty good about myself today.
There are still little behaviors that I hate, but I know what they are and how they occur *when* they occur. I still resent situations, I still want to be liked, but I've accepted a lot of things otherwise. There's a lot I regret, a lot I feel guilty for, a lot I wish I could take back, but I know I never can, and in large part I'm fine with that. I also know that I have a very long way to go befor I can really, honestly, call myself secure. But I'm fine with that, too.
I'm imperfect, and I'll always be imperfect. I'd be disconcerted without all of the flaws that I have. I also know that I will never, ever be liked by everyone I would like to be liked by. That's fine, too. The important thing is I'm comfortable with myself.
Welcome to
astor_apatosaur and mysticleopard, and thanks everyone for the comments about the last post. I think I've pretty much chalked up the situation as a mistake I've learned from, and I'm going to let it go at that.duncanroo mentioned this, and so did a couple of other people I've talked to about the whole thing, and it's got me thinking...Maybe it's because of my Jehovah's Witness upbringing, or natural idealism, or both, but I'm a pretty strongly opinionated person when I want to be. Morality and politics are two things I tend to get pretty loud about for one thing, and I recognize it as a flaw, and a blessing. For one, I'm passionate about being active to improve your lot and the lot of those around you. On the other hand, not everyone agrees that lots need improving, much less the way *I'd* think on going about it.
I've mentioned this before, but I always feel like a heel after voicing an opinion on something that folks don't agree with. When I debate with someone, usually I think of it as an exchange of ideas; here's why I feel this way, that's why you feel that way. I hate the idea of competitive "I'm right, you're wrong" discussions, even though I feel like it *looks* like I indulge in those way too much.
That being said, there's a few things that just piss me off instinctively: smugness/arrogance, indifference, uncompassionate thinking. Oftentimes, those three are very intimately linked...where you'll find one, you'll find the others in some degree. Unfortunately, a lot of people I know are of Libertarian or Objectivist bent, and waves of discompassion just hit you when you broach certain subjects with these folks. Generally, all *really great* people, but just don't express any kind of liberal views within a healthy radius. :)
See...I'm going to get in trouble for that last paragraph, I just know it.
My dilemma is this, most of the time: a lot of people I know are awesome in most respects, but they're largely uncompassionate. Great with responsibility, great with generosity, but when it comes to trying to empathize with someone else, nothing doing.
We've had so much guilt thrown at us all the time growing up, I think. You go to church, you get to feel guilty for however long you're there. You have parents, they lay at least *one* major guilt trip on you growing up. You have an unstable/psycho friend, they lay at least one guilt trip on you a *day*. I know, because I've been that friend, and on some level I knew what I was doing. It may have been subconscious, I may never have actively realized what I was doing, but some part of me always knew that guilt factored in to some statements and decisions I've made.
At any rate...tangent. We all have a very extreme aversion to guilt. To the point where if we feel in the least bit guilty about something, we lash out at the perceived source of the guilt. It may be a friend, or a homeless stranger, but there's always that resentment towards the source of that guilt. We ignore the conscience and remove the cause so that we don't have to listen to that little, nagging voice any more. That way, we can just keep going about our normal routines.
It's just not cool to feel guilty any more.
I think it's because most of us hate the idea that we're doing something wrong, especially if it's something wrong on a basic level. Most of us prefer comfort over conscience, so if something doesn't feel right morally we justify it with how much easier it makes things. Everyone does it to some degree. There are a lot of wrong ideas and actions that I hate to face up to, personally, but I'm going to have to, because if I don't, I don't progress. There are a lot of things that I'm going to have to be brutally honest about in order to just...let go and move on. In some respects, I've owned up to it, but for the most part...
On-line, for the past...seven years I've been here, I've been a little shithead. In some ways, I continue to be a shithead, but I'm far less crappy now than I was even...a year ago. When I first popped up here at the age of 16, I was consumed by the overwhelming need to be liked, to be accepted...to the point that I did things that I'm very much ashamed of now. Looking back on those two wasted years of college, on several friends that I've lost, on a lot of people I never got to meet because I was just a basket-case, looking back at all the time and energy and everything I've wasted and hated and felt guilty about...it's just insane.
It makes me feel pretty good about myself today.
There are still little behaviors that I hate, but I know what they are and how they occur *when* they occur. I still resent situations, I still want to be liked, but I've accepted a lot of things otherwise. There's a lot I regret, a lot I feel guilty for, a lot I wish I could take back, but I know I never can, and in large part I'm fine with that. I also know that I have a very long way to go befor I can really, honestly, call myself secure. But I'm fine with that, too.
I'm imperfect, and I'll always be imperfect. I'd be disconcerted without all of the flaws that I have. I also know that I will never, ever be liked by everyone I would like to be liked by. That's fine, too. The important thing is I'm comfortable with myself.
