![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jakebe Work yesterday was surprisingly productive. I checked the highest number of certs in a day ever (91, bitches!) and felt pretty good that I hadn't missed anything in all of those. Chances are I'll get a cascade of tickets from Technical Writing in a couple weeks, but that's a problem for a future jackalope!
Just kidding. One of the things I had to tell myself yesterday to feel OK about being "quick" is that any mistakes I make will be caught later; I'll learn what I need to from them and move on.
I've been trying to lower my anxiety around mistakes in general. Whenever I think about why I haven't written or pushed for another job or even gotten very far with my game, the answer is the same: getting caught up in the thrill of creation only to discover I've made a mistake that undoes that work is the most likely outcome, and I just can't face the feeling of being happy with something I've done only to have it invalidated because of a mistake.
Often I find myself feeling like I have to justify my statements, clarify a word, or just go down some other rabbit hole that isn't the point I'm trying to make and it makes me disinclined to speak up about what's on my mind. I could talk about this thing I'm struggling with, or this thought I'm kicking around, but I don't want to have to justify one word choice over another or feel like I have to defend my feelings about something because someone else doesn't agree. Sometimes I just want to talk or share or muse without feeling like most conversations are some litigation.
It's hard to ask for that -- I don't see this as intentional or malicious behavior, and it can be frustrating to be told that your natural inclination in a conversation makes it hard to hold one with you. But at the same time, I've found myself saying less and less over time because I expect my meaning won't be considered just the ways in which I'm wrong. Even if it's in teasing, the effect is the same: I learn that I should only talk if I know exactly what I'm going to say AND that it can't be misinterpreted. Not impossible, but a high bar. It definitely means less random conversation.
I don't even think that's unreasonable; I know how my brain do, and it can be a lot to take unfiltered dumb thoughts that tend to pop out a lot of the time. And I do want to be...more mindful of what I'm putting out into the world, you know? BUT the issue is I'm too anxious to put out ANYTHING -- and that's largely to do with my fear of being called out for mistakes. I'm hoping that I can learn to care less about that over time, to trust in my ability to make choices and handle the consequences. It's high time I broke this perfectionist streak and learned how to get by on "Good enough."
It's just hard to remember that all of this could be much more fun than I'm making it. Writing can be play; chatting can be play (with the right partner), life's a dance, etc. etc. It's rare I feel comfortable enough to feel playful, which is a shame.
To that end, I'm doing this anxiety meditation course that...feels effective so far, even if it's a little "untested" as the science goes. It feels like...anxiety is the motivating factor keeping me in the present so when that eases it's a lot easier for me to just space out, daydream, etc. The idea of being "relaxed and alert" is only a conceptual one for the most part.
Like, the first time I took ashwaghanda I was so relaxed it felt like I could just go to sleep. I'd like to get there again. :)
EDIT: OK -- I normally don't like adopting diagnoses, but this feels exceptionally relevant to me. I think I have toxic shame from CPTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). Like, it's not so much a "discovery" as it is a way to frame what I'm already feeling. It explains the feeling of being just...fundamentally out of step, the chronic procrastination and low-key panic. The idea of writing disregulates me in much the same way that's talked about.
Just kidding. One of the things I had to tell myself yesterday to feel OK about being "quick" is that any mistakes I make will be caught later; I'll learn what I need to from them and move on.
I've been trying to lower my anxiety around mistakes in general. Whenever I think about why I haven't written or pushed for another job or even gotten very far with my game, the answer is the same: getting caught up in the thrill of creation only to discover I've made a mistake that undoes that work is the most likely outcome, and I just can't face the feeling of being happy with something I've done only to have it invalidated because of a mistake.
Often I find myself feeling like I have to justify my statements, clarify a word, or just go down some other rabbit hole that isn't the point I'm trying to make and it makes me disinclined to speak up about what's on my mind. I could talk about this thing I'm struggling with, or this thought I'm kicking around, but I don't want to have to justify one word choice over another or feel like I have to defend my feelings about something because someone else doesn't agree. Sometimes I just want to talk or share or muse without feeling like most conversations are some litigation.
It's hard to ask for that -- I don't see this as intentional or malicious behavior, and it can be frustrating to be told that your natural inclination in a conversation makes it hard to hold one with you. But at the same time, I've found myself saying less and less over time because I expect my meaning won't be considered just the ways in which I'm wrong. Even if it's in teasing, the effect is the same: I learn that I should only talk if I know exactly what I'm going to say AND that it can't be misinterpreted. Not impossible, but a high bar. It definitely means less random conversation.
I don't even think that's unreasonable; I know how my brain do, and it can be a lot to take unfiltered dumb thoughts that tend to pop out a lot of the time. And I do want to be...more mindful of what I'm putting out into the world, you know? BUT the issue is I'm too anxious to put out ANYTHING -- and that's largely to do with my fear of being called out for mistakes. I'm hoping that I can learn to care less about that over time, to trust in my ability to make choices and handle the consequences. It's high time I broke this perfectionist streak and learned how to get by on "Good enough."
It's just hard to remember that all of this could be much more fun than I'm making it. Writing can be play; chatting can be play (with the right partner), life's a dance, etc. etc. It's rare I feel comfortable enough to feel playful, which is a shame.
To that end, I'm doing this anxiety meditation course that...feels effective so far, even if it's a little "untested" as the science goes. It feels like...anxiety is the motivating factor keeping me in the present so when that eases it's a lot easier for me to just space out, daydream, etc. The idea of being "relaxed and alert" is only a conceptual one for the most part.
Like, the first time I took ashwaghanda I was so relaxed it felt like I could just go to sleep. I'd like to get there again. :)
EDIT: OK -- I normally don't like adopting diagnoses, but this feels exceptionally relevant to me. I think I have toxic shame from CPTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). Like, it's not so much a "discovery" as it is a way to frame what I'm already feeling. It explains the feeling of being just...fundamentally out of step, the chronic procrastination and low-key panic. The idea of writing disregulates me in much the same way that's talked about.
