Day 61: Back to This Moment
Jun. 20th, 2023 09:29 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jakebeI had lunch with a friend visiting from Norway and another friend who's local but I almost never see. R. and K. decided not to go, which I can't blame them for. We've been socializing pretty hard, with a lot of new contact, so it makes sense they would want to recharge their batteries. Besides, I do appreciate the chance to hang with folks on my own every once in a while.
The local friend is part of THE old-school macrophile group in the fandom; she's married to the coiner of the term and everything. Her husband is anti-social for a number of reasons, but we've always been cool with one another. I do get the feeling that we might not have a lot in common other than our love of big furry critters, though.
The friend from Norway is really nice. We've played in a couple of one-shot D&D sessions together and I have to say he's...much more quiet and laid-back than I expected. He's been friends with the old-school macro group for sometime -- well before I calmed down from my angry-depressive 20s and weird 30s. ;) I guess I assumed he would have that same level of insular focus, where he'd only light up if someone from his tribe was also there. It can be a distinguishing feature of that set, where they politely acknowledge your presence but that's it until someone who engages them far more shows up. It used to bother me a lot when that happened, but I get it now. For one thing, for a tired and burned-out person being online with friends is a balm you save your energy for. It takes energy to deal with younger, more awkward furries and you just don't have that all the time.
Mainly, I realize that my rejection-sensitive dysphoria was acting up HARD in those days. It's easy to find rejection where there is none if you're in a depressive headspace, and people just wanting to hang out with their friends over depressive weirdoes is...a reasonable thing for anyone to do but sure looks like rejection to that weirdo.
Anyway, it was a nice time. The local friend has made overtures about hanging out more often, which I would be down with. R. really doesn't like her though, or anyone in that house, and that's fair. I know they have their own damage and their own lives, but they're also not the most welcoming people. Still, I'll make an effort to reach out to them more often. These days, it's insanity to turn down an overture of friendship.
Lunch took a surprisingly long time, and after that R. wanted to go do writers' drinks. That's basically where we go to a local pub-type place and write while drinking beer/ale/cider. I didn't really get up to much there because I'm back in my head about writing. I know that I'll be fine once I start, but I just couldn't get up the willpower for it.
I didn't do most of the things I had wanted to do. There was procrastination, sure, but mostly it was the chance to hang out with folks I normally don't. R. was also home for the Juneteenth holiday, which makes it a little harder to deep-dive into work. Still, these are the things I'll have to reckon with in order to work consistently, so I'll need to do a better job of accepting non-optimal conditions and finding the will to do the work anyway.
There's a lot to do today, just catching up with the things I let slip last week. I'd really like to have the next episode of the Patreon serial out this week, if a little late, so I'm setting a Thursday deadline for myself. This is where the bulk of the fetishy stuff happens, so it shouldn't be too hard once I get into it but...writing and showing something that I would find sexually arousing is a form of vulnerability I haven't practiced in some time. It's hard for me to write that, show it to someone, and be open about what I find so arousing about it.
I'm honestly not sure when that happened. It might have been when K. stopped RPing with me and complained about having to do macro. I hate that I might have killed someone's enjoyment in a whole fetish because of the way I express it, and I know I can be...selfish and a bit demanding in those situations. It's made me a lot less open about that in general and hyper-aware that I may be objectifying giants in ways that aren't cool. And these days, where you can become the main character of a social-media site at any time and for any reason, it's a really scary thought to put yourself out there.
But part of growing wiser is learning to embrace the discomfort of living. We make mistakes, we learn from them, we get better. I'm not going to get better at expressing myself by not doing it. I will get better from doing it badly and learning how to do it better next time.
So, deep breaths, heads up, focus on this moment.
Today I'll be spending the morning on the job hunt -- getting better organized, applying to positions, and preparing for the CA unemployment assessment on Thursday. This afternoon, I'll focus on writing and studying. This evening, R. is going to hang with a new friend for gaming night so I'll invite K. over for Twin Peaks. :) If that doesn't pan out for whatever reason, I've got stuff to do. The trash and recycling needs to be taken out, and The Magician King isn't going to finish itself.
The local friend is part of THE old-school macrophile group in the fandom; she's married to the coiner of the term and everything. Her husband is anti-social for a number of reasons, but we've always been cool with one another. I do get the feeling that we might not have a lot in common other than our love of big furry critters, though.
The friend from Norway is really nice. We've played in a couple of one-shot D&D sessions together and I have to say he's...much more quiet and laid-back than I expected. He's been friends with the old-school macro group for sometime -- well before I calmed down from my angry-depressive 20s and weird 30s. ;) I guess I assumed he would have that same level of insular focus, where he'd only light up if someone from his tribe was also there. It can be a distinguishing feature of that set, where they politely acknowledge your presence but that's it until someone who engages them far more shows up. It used to bother me a lot when that happened, but I get it now. For one thing, for a tired and burned-out person being online with friends is a balm you save your energy for. It takes energy to deal with younger, more awkward furries and you just don't have that all the time.
Mainly, I realize that my rejection-sensitive dysphoria was acting up HARD in those days. It's easy to find rejection where there is none if you're in a depressive headspace, and people just wanting to hang out with their friends over depressive weirdoes is...a reasonable thing for anyone to do but sure looks like rejection to that weirdo.
Anyway, it was a nice time. The local friend has made overtures about hanging out more often, which I would be down with. R. really doesn't like her though, or anyone in that house, and that's fair. I know they have their own damage and their own lives, but they're also not the most welcoming people. Still, I'll make an effort to reach out to them more often. These days, it's insanity to turn down an overture of friendship.
Lunch took a surprisingly long time, and after that R. wanted to go do writers' drinks. That's basically where we go to a local pub-type place and write while drinking beer/ale/cider. I didn't really get up to much there because I'm back in my head about writing. I know that I'll be fine once I start, but I just couldn't get up the willpower for it.
I didn't do most of the things I had wanted to do. There was procrastination, sure, but mostly it was the chance to hang out with folks I normally don't. R. was also home for the Juneteenth holiday, which makes it a little harder to deep-dive into work. Still, these are the things I'll have to reckon with in order to work consistently, so I'll need to do a better job of accepting non-optimal conditions and finding the will to do the work anyway.
There's a lot to do today, just catching up with the things I let slip last week. I'd really like to have the next episode of the Patreon serial out this week, if a little late, so I'm setting a Thursday deadline for myself. This is where the bulk of the fetishy stuff happens, so it shouldn't be too hard once I get into it but...writing and showing something that I would find sexually arousing is a form of vulnerability I haven't practiced in some time. It's hard for me to write that, show it to someone, and be open about what I find so arousing about it.
I'm honestly not sure when that happened. It might have been when K. stopped RPing with me and complained about having to do macro. I hate that I might have killed someone's enjoyment in a whole fetish because of the way I express it, and I know I can be...selfish and a bit demanding in those situations. It's made me a lot less open about that in general and hyper-aware that I may be objectifying giants in ways that aren't cool. And these days, where you can become the main character of a social-media site at any time and for any reason, it's a really scary thought to put yourself out there.
But part of growing wiser is learning to embrace the discomfort of living. We make mistakes, we learn from them, we get better. I'm not going to get better at expressing myself by not doing it. I will get better from doing it badly and learning how to do it better next time.
So, deep breaths, heads up, focus on this moment.
Today I'll be spending the morning on the job hunt -- getting better organized, applying to positions, and preparing for the CA unemployment assessment on Thursday. This afternoon, I'll focus on writing and studying. This evening, R. is going to hang with a new friend for gaming night so I'll invite K. over for Twin Peaks. :) If that doesn't pan out for whatever reason, I've got stuff to do. The trash and recycling needs to be taken out, and The Magician King isn't going to finish itself.
