Day 33: Like Tomorrow Doesn't Exist
May. 23rd, 2023 08:29 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jakebeThis weekend was a little rough. R. had a falling out with a close friend that had affected our found family in general so things were a bit touch and go. It happened right before the Friday night D&D game I ran, and we were in crisis mode until about Sunday. They're talking now and things seem largely resolved. R. got a lot of blunt feedback and I've been trying to help him interpret it in the most productive way possible -- which honestly wasn't that hard. It helps because he's a lot like me when it comes to social discord and criticism. We're both very sensitive and insecure, so I can share some of the things that help me in those situations with the hope that they're a little more likely to work.
It was also a learning experience for me. One of the things I reckoned with during my last mushroom trip is how much effort I spend dipping into "fawning" behavior when I feel the vibes are off in my environment. This happens even when it's unnecessary or worse, counter-productive. There's nothing wrong with wanting a harmonious environment, but the intention is off. I'm not always doing it for the benefit of the people involved; I do it sometimes because it's so hard for me to sit with that ambient discomfort.
In this situation there wasn't much choice. Everyone needed time to cool down before we could even begin to resolve this, so helping R. through that period helped me reckon with those feelings, too. When something's wrong, both of our brains press the big red "FIX IT" button even if there's nothing we can do. So we ruminate or fall down anxiety holes instead of acknowledging the feeling AND the fact that reacting from that place won't do us any good.
Learning how to sit with that feeling taught me that it's more bearable than you think. It's definitely not fun, but resolving to be still and breathe through the knots in your stomach even helps with the rumination. I don't know about R., but taking a beat to just be with my emotions helped me to go over the situation in a much more stable way. It felt like the advice I offered and the things I did to help deal with the shockwaves of grief and anxiety were more helpful. I was able to set aside my feelings in a way that wasn't dismissive, but honest, while I focused on R. and being there for him, what he needed.
This is wandering a bit into giving myself a pat on the back, but eh. :) I'm glad I was able to weather the storm and help R. with a few difficult conversations. We're not completely out of the woods yet, but we're on the track to reconciliation.
Another thing I learned is that disagreements, however small, can become enormous if left untended for too long. Even though we're conflict-averse, it's just better to deal with situations as soon as you can so they don't blow up the way things did last weekend. I'm taking that to heart by pushing back a bit more firmly when I need to set a boundary, and encouraging others to learn how to have disagreements in a healthy way. Fingers crossed that actually helps with things in the long term.
I got my first interview at LeetCode last week. I think it went reasonably well, though I'm not sure how great a fit I would be for the position. They're looking for someone a bit more technically sound, and willing to be functionally on-call for nights and weekends. I'm...looking for something that fits more comfortably in a 9-5 schedule and I'm certain they can get someone more proficient with raw code than I am. However, I do really admire their approach to customer service; the reason I'd be on-call is to make sure any customer complaint is handled as soon as possible. The company stakes its reputation on its community, which is active, helpful, and very engaged.
It's also a fairly small company. I'm not sure where in their start-up cycle they might be, but the COO still takes support tickets because he wants to be in the thick of it. I get the feeling that what I lack in coding expertise I'll have to make up in process improvements and white-glove service. The pay is good, I'd only have to commute to Palo Alto three times a week, and I'd be working at a company looking to do right by its users. There are worse jobs!
They're still doing screening interviews with the hundreds of applicants they've received for the position; when they're done, they'll reach out to me about a second interview with the person who last had the job. She transitioned into a different customer-facing role that's not as technical, which feels like the best possible outcome for me. Still, if I make it through to the next round I'll definitely interview. I need all of the experience I can get with this, and it always helps to make a good showing.
I spent yesterday in a blanket fort, metaphorically speaking. I binged the YouTube videos of one Dr. Mike, a family physician and YT star who does reaction videos of medical-advice TikToks or medical scenes in TV shows. He's really fun, passionate about what he does, and just wants to combat misinformation to the best of his ability. You can tell through his speech that he thinks hard about being exact and careful with his language, even when he's having a good time. That kind of consideration for the impact of his message stands out to me. It's a relatively light set of videos, but you do learn something and I don't feel bad about how I spent that time.
Today, though, it's back at it. I'll have to take a look at my spending, the letters I got from the unemployment office, get some writing done, and apply to a few more jobs. R. is on vacation after Wednesday, and I'll be heading to a friend's secret mountain bunker for a Memorial Day barbeque on the weekend. Definitely fun times; and I'm relieved they won't be as fraught as I had worried they might be.
It was also a learning experience for me. One of the things I reckoned with during my last mushroom trip is how much effort I spend dipping into "fawning" behavior when I feel the vibes are off in my environment. This happens even when it's unnecessary or worse, counter-productive. There's nothing wrong with wanting a harmonious environment, but the intention is off. I'm not always doing it for the benefit of the people involved; I do it sometimes because it's so hard for me to sit with that ambient discomfort.
In this situation there wasn't much choice. Everyone needed time to cool down before we could even begin to resolve this, so helping R. through that period helped me reckon with those feelings, too. When something's wrong, both of our brains press the big red "FIX IT" button even if there's nothing we can do. So we ruminate or fall down anxiety holes instead of acknowledging the feeling AND the fact that reacting from that place won't do us any good.
Learning how to sit with that feeling taught me that it's more bearable than you think. It's definitely not fun, but resolving to be still and breathe through the knots in your stomach even helps with the rumination. I don't know about R., but taking a beat to just be with my emotions helped me to go over the situation in a much more stable way. It felt like the advice I offered and the things I did to help deal with the shockwaves of grief and anxiety were more helpful. I was able to set aside my feelings in a way that wasn't dismissive, but honest, while I focused on R. and being there for him, what he needed.
This is wandering a bit into giving myself a pat on the back, but eh. :) I'm glad I was able to weather the storm and help R. with a few difficult conversations. We're not completely out of the woods yet, but we're on the track to reconciliation.
Another thing I learned is that disagreements, however small, can become enormous if left untended for too long. Even though we're conflict-averse, it's just better to deal with situations as soon as you can so they don't blow up the way things did last weekend. I'm taking that to heart by pushing back a bit more firmly when I need to set a boundary, and encouraging others to learn how to have disagreements in a healthy way. Fingers crossed that actually helps with things in the long term.
I got my first interview at LeetCode last week. I think it went reasonably well, though I'm not sure how great a fit I would be for the position. They're looking for someone a bit more technically sound, and willing to be functionally on-call for nights and weekends. I'm...looking for something that fits more comfortably in a 9-5 schedule and I'm certain they can get someone more proficient with raw code than I am. However, I do really admire their approach to customer service; the reason I'd be on-call is to make sure any customer complaint is handled as soon as possible. The company stakes its reputation on its community, which is active, helpful, and very engaged.
It's also a fairly small company. I'm not sure where in their start-up cycle they might be, but the COO still takes support tickets because he wants to be in the thick of it. I get the feeling that what I lack in coding expertise I'll have to make up in process improvements and white-glove service. The pay is good, I'd only have to commute to Palo Alto three times a week, and I'd be working at a company looking to do right by its users. There are worse jobs!
They're still doing screening interviews with the hundreds of applicants they've received for the position; when they're done, they'll reach out to me about a second interview with the person who last had the job. She transitioned into a different customer-facing role that's not as technical, which feels like the best possible outcome for me. Still, if I make it through to the next round I'll definitely interview. I need all of the experience I can get with this, and it always helps to make a good showing.
I spent yesterday in a blanket fort, metaphorically speaking. I binged the YouTube videos of one Dr. Mike, a family physician and YT star who does reaction videos of medical-advice TikToks or medical scenes in TV shows. He's really fun, passionate about what he does, and just wants to combat misinformation to the best of his ability. You can tell through his speech that he thinks hard about being exact and careful with his language, even when he's having a good time. That kind of consideration for the impact of his message stands out to me. It's a relatively light set of videos, but you do learn something and I don't feel bad about how I spent that time.
Today, though, it's back at it. I'll have to take a look at my spending, the letters I got from the unemployment office, get some writing done, and apply to a few more jobs. R. is on vacation after Wednesday, and I'll be heading to a friend's secret mountain bunker for a Memorial Day barbeque on the weekend. Definitely fun times; and I'm relieved they won't be as fraught as I had worried they might be.
