Unpausing the Future
Nov. 9th, 2020 09:17 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jakebe
I'm still processing Biden's win and what it means for our future. I think I had just internalized the idea that we weren't going to get our shit together in time, that the United States would insist on its freedom to be ignorant while the world burned down around us, and that there was just no point in making plans. We had let too much time lapse on climate change, with folks in power adamantly refusing to accept the obvious even though we've got 60(!!) years of data on it now. The country's addiction to white supremacy still seems too strong to shake off, and I'm not holding my breath that the Biden administration will suddenly defund the police and take the threat of ethno-nationalist terrorism as seriously as they need to. Most importantly, there are still 70 million Americans who thought four more years of Trump would be preferable, and they're not just going to go away or change their minds now that they've lost. ANY progress we make from here is going to have to be dragged through millions of kicking, screaming conservatives.
Under Trump, I was overwhelmed by the fact of our mortality. As big of a post-apocalypse nut as I am, I've imagined the end many different ways, but the reality of it felt so depressing. We had so much potential, and it feels like we're on the cusp of hitting our Cochrane moment, where out of the ashes of our burned-out civilization some scientific advancement would launch us into the next tottering steps of humanity. But instead, we decided we would rather be entitled about what we felt we were owed while denying as many others as possible the same things. We decided to purposefully tear down our society instead of changing it to make it more equitable for the people we've mistreated in the past. And we decided to ignore the fact we're ruining our own planet, the one place we have to live, because we'd rather chase money and comfort than face the failure of our responsibilities. I had genuinely lost hope in the human race, and I...still don't think our odds are great. But at least we have a chance.
So what do I do with the chance we've been given? Now that I can actually imagine myself living to 60 or 70 or (hopefully) 80, what life do I want to look back on from that age?
Even after 40 years of learning that focus is the key to achieving my goals, I still want to do too much. I could see myself becoming a middle manager for some tech company, even though the salary would mean almost-certain 60-hour weeks and all kinds of exhausting stressful situations. But I could also see myself resuming my advancement towards a degree, which would mean a few years of VERY hard work and rigorous time/project management to get everything done. At the end of maybe...five or six years, I'd have a Bachelor's Degree -- at 45. Then what?
This most recent experience looking for work was the first time I had thoughts about my age being a hindrance. So many folks in the spaces I'm applying for are half my age and willing to put in the overtime to build their career. I just want to do something I believe in that pays me enough to do the things I really enjoy. :) I mean, I enjoy work too, but if left to my own devices I certainly wouldn't be dealing with entitled people for a living.
I don't think I would mind the work involved in getting a degree, but the thing that gives me pause is...whether or not it would be worth it on the other side. Having a degree would get me past the first screening process for a lot of positions, but what would I apply for? Who would be willing to hire a 45-year-old for a relatively entry-level position somewhere? And in the tech sector, would the expectation still be for me to expect promotions every two years or change companies?
It feels strange to feel like as a worker, I was meant to enter the workforce a generation or two ago, during the age of the "company man". I can't get excited about where I work unless I'm excited about the mission of the company, and I've gotten pretty good at finding a way to take it on. I'd love to work the rest of my career for a single company, doing my job (whatever it was) well and being recognized for my talent, loyalty, and experience. But the American workplace has moved on from that, and now it feels like most of us are being demanded to do more for as few of the scraps as they can give us.
So, I guess this is to say that I'll likely be going back to school -- maybe not in time for the spring semester at Mission College, but very soon. And that means that I have to be ready for the time crunch, the assignments, the balance between work and school and job. I know that I'll get better at it as time goes along, but it's still daunting. I've never been great with prioritization or time management, which are both essential for success. I want to be sure that I'm doing it so I can work closer to what I feel my purpose might be. I want to make people feel calm, safe, and supported -- but I also want to make people realize we're in a goddamned society, and we owe it to each other to work through our own shit and do right by our fellow creatures. I want to build and maintain a welcoming space for people who need it.
But first, I have to work through my own shit. I have to tear down MY emotional walls, learn how to organize MY time and attention. Maybe going back to school will be the way to get that done.
Under Trump, I was overwhelmed by the fact of our mortality. As big of a post-apocalypse nut as I am, I've imagined the end many different ways, but the reality of it felt so depressing. We had so much potential, and it feels like we're on the cusp of hitting our Cochrane moment, where out of the ashes of our burned-out civilization some scientific advancement would launch us into the next tottering steps of humanity. But instead, we decided we would rather be entitled about what we felt we were owed while denying as many others as possible the same things. We decided to purposefully tear down our society instead of changing it to make it more equitable for the people we've mistreated in the past. And we decided to ignore the fact we're ruining our own planet, the one place we have to live, because we'd rather chase money and comfort than face the failure of our responsibilities. I had genuinely lost hope in the human race, and I...still don't think our odds are great. But at least we have a chance.
So what do I do with the chance we've been given? Now that I can actually imagine myself living to 60 or 70 or (hopefully) 80, what life do I want to look back on from that age?
Even after 40 years of learning that focus is the key to achieving my goals, I still want to do too much. I could see myself becoming a middle manager for some tech company, even though the salary would mean almost-certain 60-hour weeks and all kinds of exhausting stressful situations. But I could also see myself resuming my advancement towards a degree, which would mean a few years of VERY hard work and rigorous time/project management to get everything done. At the end of maybe...five or six years, I'd have a Bachelor's Degree -- at 45. Then what?
This most recent experience looking for work was the first time I had thoughts about my age being a hindrance. So many folks in the spaces I'm applying for are half my age and willing to put in the overtime to build their career. I just want to do something I believe in that pays me enough to do the things I really enjoy. :) I mean, I enjoy work too, but if left to my own devices I certainly wouldn't be dealing with entitled people for a living.
I don't think I would mind the work involved in getting a degree, but the thing that gives me pause is...whether or not it would be worth it on the other side. Having a degree would get me past the first screening process for a lot of positions, but what would I apply for? Who would be willing to hire a 45-year-old for a relatively entry-level position somewhere? And in the tech sector, would the expectation still be for me to expect promotions every two years or change companies?
It feels strange to feel like as a worker, I was meant to enter the workforce a generation or two ago, during the age of the "company man". I can't get excited about where I work unless I'm excited about the mission of the company, and I've gotten pretty good at finding a way to take it on. I'd love to work the rest of my career for a single company, doing my job (whatever it was) well and being recognized for my talent, loyalty, and experience. But the American workplace has moved on from that, and now it feels like most of us are being demanded to do more for as few of the scraps as they can give us.
So, I guess this is to say that I'll likely be going back to school -- maybe not in time for the spring semester at Mission College, but very soon. And that means that I have to be ready for the time crunch, the assignments, the balance between work and school and job. I know that I'll get better at it as time goes along, but it's still daunting. I've never been great with prioritization or time management, which are both essential for success. I want to be sure that I'm doing it so I can work closer to what I feel my purpose might be. I want to make people feel calm, safe, and supported -- but I also want to make people realize we're in a goddamned society, and we owe it to each other to work through our own shit and do right by our fellow creatures. I want to build and maintain a welcoming space for people who need it.
But first, I have to work through my own shit. I have to tear down MY emotional walls, learn how to organize MY time and attention. Maybe going back to school will be the way to get that done.
