Here or Gone
Oct. 9th, 2020 08:09 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jakebe
I spent so much of the summer in a haze, just trying not to be present in the world around me as much as possible. I was honestly exhausted and discouraged by everything going on -- the police brutality was escalating in response to protests against police brutality; unemployment was skyrocketing as the COVID crisis looked to be a longer term thing; Trump was throwing gasoline on the fire in all of the awful ways he has.
Doomscrolling on Twitter to stay informed didn't help -- it just made me feel even more anxious and hopeless. Work was difficult and full of uncertainties. My direct manager had been suffering migraines for weeks, and his vision was starting to suffer with bright stars and such making it difficult to see. Hastily-pushed promotions had resulted in a flood of customer service tickets, and my team had been working under a backlog for months at that point. Almost everyone was pulling overtime whether they wanted to or not.
When I wasn't working, my mind would go to all of the things I wasn't doing. I should have been writing, or studying one of my many online classes, or tidying up the house. My KonMari project feels so far away, but the books turned out to be a bigger project than anticipated and right on the heels of a pretty involved clothes process. Staring down the barrel of "papers", and then the long, winding desert of "komono" (everything else like kitchen drawers, electronics, etc.) made me feel exhausted just thinking about it. I had enough energy to berate myself for not doing more, but nowhere near enough to get started on anything.
Over this time, I developed a habit of smoking pot nearly every day. It soothed my brain into not being upset with me for not doing more, faster, and I could just...coast through the evening in a pleasant stupor playing Hearthstone or Armello or Animal Crossing. I don't necessarily regret this period. I mean, I did what I had to do to preserve my mental health so I could at least be functional at work. But now that I've distanced myself from social media and I'm trying to focus on being more content in the present -- making the best of what's happening now -- I don't think heavy use is the best move anymore.
The problem is I've formed the habit, so now when I get off work there's an immediate itch to take up a vape pen and smoke once or twice. It's become my ritual for signing off now, and while I still think I need to create a healthy work/home boundary I should probably replace it with something a little...less addicting.
I've been thinking about making a cup of tea after work and reading a book or playing Animal Crossing. It's a nice way to unwind after the day, but I'm doing something that requires a bit more active engagement. I've also thought about going for a short walk once I've done my bit for the day, just to kind of 'simulate' a commute. When I'm back from my walk, I'm home and it's time to get on with the rest of my day.
I think a big issue has been one of perspective. Like I said yesterday, there's been a huge element of shame wrapped up in everything I do as a hobby, and now that I've recognized that I have to do the work of untangling it. So many things that I used to enjoy have become...obligations. Reading is so fraught with choice. Do I work through my huge stack of comics, or read one of the books loaned to me by a friend, or one of the self-help books I bought to help me with ADHD and/or anxiety? Writing is definitely a job with the Patreon; I'm constantly behind my posting schedule so on the days when I can wring out 500 words there's really only one place that energy can go. And if I'm not working on a Patreon serial, I'm trying to catch up on the Pathfinder game I'm running.
Oh, and there's also keeping up with friends. I don't feel I've done right by any of my close friends for a really long time, but being an introvert makes it so hard. Often when I have free time I just don't have the energy to interact with people, even when I know it'll be fun. So I drop off Telegram conversations and group chats, and I don't join the weekly VR Chat meets, and I don't look for ways to RP even though I miss it.
Again, I'm pretty sure this is all part of the shame that follows me wherever I go. No matter what I do to dig myself out, to make myself more well-rounded, to address the flaws I perceive in myself, there's always something lacking. It's hard to muster up the enthusiasm to do anything when there's a voice in your head telling you you're a failure for not doing everything.
That's why it's been so important to step back and learn how to be content with the moment I'm in again. When I'm writing, it's a pleasure because I'm...clarifying these nebulous thoughts in my head and hopefully connecting with others that way. When I'm playing Animal Crossing, it's a pleasure because...well, my fellow islanders are quirky animals with neat personalities and I've become really fond of finding/making great gifts for them. I still have NO idea what I'm doing with my island, but that's OK. It's fun to figure things out and try different stuff.
And when I smoke, it's still a pleasure because it's a decision I've made, not a habit I'm bound to. There are worse vices to have, and honestly -- after 2020, I'd much rather be a pothead than a fascist.
A lot of this last month has just been learning to let go of all the self-imposed pressure I feel to be some idealized version of myself. And because I'm more gentle and accepting of where I'm at, I don't feel that constant need to escape to mindlessness. It's still there, of course, but it's something I can respond to, not submit to.
It's strange that spending so much time trying to be a better person has caused so much suffering within me. Learning to recognize and accept my flaws, even embrace them, has done me a lot of good.
Doomscrolling on Twitter to stay informed didn't help -- it just made me feel even more anxious and hopeless. Work was difficult and full of uncertainties. My direct manager had been suffering migraines for weeks, and his vision was starting to suffer with bright stars and such making it difficult to see. Hastily-pushed promotions had resulted in a flood of customer service tickets, and my team had been working under a backlog for months at that point. Almost everyone was pulling overtime whether they wanted to or not.
When I wasn't working, my mind would go to all of the things I wasn't doing. I should have been writing, or studying one of my many online classes, or tidying up the house. My KonMari project feels so far away, but the books turned out to be a bigger project than anticipated and right on the heels of a pretty involved clothes process. Staring down the barrel of "papers", and then the long, winding desert of "komono" (everything else like kitchen drawers, electronics, etc.) made me feel exhausted just thinking about it. I had enough energy to berate myself for not doing more, but nowhere near enough to get started on anything.
Over this time, I developed a habit of smoking pot nearly every day. It soothed my brain into not being upset with me for not doing more, faster, and I could just...coast through the evening in a pleasant stupor playing Hearthstone or Armello or Animal Crossing. I don't necessarily regret this period. I mean, I did what I had to do to preserve my mental health so I could at least be functional at work. But now that I've distanced myself from social media and I'm trying to focus on being more content in the present -- making the best of what's happening now -- I don't think heavy use is the best move anymore.
The problem is I've formed the habit, so now when I get off work there's an immediate itch to take up a vape pen and smoke once or twice. It's become my ritual for signing off now, and while I still think I need to create a healthy work/home boundary I should probably replace it with something a little...less addicting.
I've been thinking about making a cup of tea after work and reading a book or playing Animal Crossing. It's a nice way to unwind after the day, but I'm doing something that requires a bit more active engagement. I've also thought about going for a short walk once I've done my bit for the day, just to kind of 'simulate' a commute. When I'm back from my walk, I'm home and it's time to get on with the rest of my day.
I think a big issue has been one of perspective. Like I said yesterday, there's been a huge element of shame wrapped up in everything I do as a hobby, and now that I've recognized that I have to do the work of untangling it. So many things that I used to enjoy have become...obligations. Reading is so fraught with choice. Do I work through my huge stack of comics, or read one of the books loaned to me by a friend, or one of the self-help books I bought to help me with ADHD and/or anxiety? Writing is definitely a job with the Patreon; I'm constantly behind my posting schedule so on the days when I can wring out 500 words there's really only one place that energy can go. And if I'm not working on a Patreon serial, I'm trying to catch up on the Pathfinder game I'm running.
Oh, and there's also keeping up with friends. I don't feel I've done right by any of my close friends for a really long time, but being an introvert makes it so hard. Often when I have free time I just don't have the energy to interact with people, even when I know it'll be fun. So I drop off Telegram conversations and group chats, and I don't join the weekly VR Chat meets, and I don't look for ways to RP even though I miss it.
Again, I'm pretty sure this is all part of the shame that follows me wherever I go. No matter what I do to dig myself out, to make myself more well-rounded, to address the flaws I perceive in myself, there's always something lacking. It's hard to muster up the enthusiasm to do anything when there's a voice in your head telling you you're a failure for not doing everything.
That's why it's been so important to step back and learn how to be content with the moment I'm in again. When I'm writing, it's a pleasure because I'm...clarifying these nebulous thoughts in my head and hopefully connecting with others that way. When I'm playing Animal Crossing, it's a pleasure because...well, my fellow islanders are quirky animals with neat personalities and I've become really fond of finding/making great gifts for them. I still have NO idea what I'm doing with my island, but that's OK. It's fun to figure things out and try different stuff.
And when I smoke, it's still a pleasure because it's a decision I've made, not a habit I'm bound to. There are worse vices to have, and honestly -- after 2020, I'd much rather be a pothead than a fascist.
A lot of this last month has just been learning to let go of all the self-imposed pressure I feel to be some idealized version of myself. And because I'm more gentle and accepting of where I'm at, I don't feel that constant need to escape to mindlessness. It's still there, of course, but it's something I can respond to, not submit to.
It's strange that spending so much time trying to be a better person has caused so much suffering within me. Learning to recognize and accept my flaws, even embrace them, has done me a lot of good.
