(no subject)
Jul. 15th, 2006 08:13 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jakebe
I had this really horrible dream. I won't go into it here, because I'm already running late and it'll probably just piss people off if I go into it.
Here, I'll incriminate myself, cryptically, anyway: the dream wasn't necessarily a statement of shame about being from the South or anything. I think it's just a handy mechanism to symbolize my *real* fear -- which is my ability to incorporate myself into Tube's life.
There's this horrific fear of being a bumpkin, and not in a good way. I'm really proud of living here and all that it's taught me, especially about the unimportance of money, the enormous importance of being laidback, the necessity of decency and politeness...you know, paying attention to what's really *needed* in order to be truly successful. I look at Tube's social network, and the furry fandom as a whole, and I wonder just how well I'll be able to meet these new people, to be able to interest them. I'd like Tube's friends to be MY friends, eventually (and vice versa, too). But when you're faced with all of these people who are smarter, quicker, funnier, whatever...I have this tremendous fear of being seen as this boring, socially inept doof. This has less to do with Arkansas and more to do with old demons rearing their ugly heads.
I don't want anyone to take this the wrong way; the desire for acceptance isn't the desire for popularity, after all. Just...anxious, I suppose, and I didn't realize exactly how to pin it down until now.
Ah well, off to work.
Here, I'll incriminate myself, cryptically, anyway: the dream wasn't necessarily a statement of shame about being from the South or anything. I think it's just a handy mechanism to symbolize my *real* fear -- which is my ability to incorporate myself into Tube's life.
There's this horrific fear of being a bumpkin, and not in a good way. I'm really proud of living here and all that it's taught me, especially about the unimportance of money, the enormous importance of being laidback, the necessity of decency and politeness...you know, paying attention to what's really *needed* in order to be truly successful. I look at Tube's social network, and the furry fandom as a whole, and I wonder just how well I'll be able to meet these new people, to be able to interest them. I'd like Tube's friends to be MY friends, eventually (and vice versa, too). But when you're faced with all of these people who are smarter, quicker, funnier, whatever...I have this tremendous fear of being seen as this boring, socially inept doof. This has less to do with Arkansas and more to do with old demons rearing their ugly heads.
I don't want anyone to take this the wrong way; the desire for acceptance isn't the desire for popularity, after all. Just...anxious, I suppose, and I didn't realize exactly how to pin it down until now.
Ah well, off to work.
