Your Cloud
Mar. 31st, 2005 09:05 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jakebe
Yesterday was a very interesting day in a Chinese proverb sort of way.
One of our coworkers has a child who's 3 years old. That really awkward age between 'ready for school' and 'needing to be under parental supervision exclusively'. Her schedule is very strange, mainly because she has to work around the needs of her child and the schedule of the father, who also works and would like to have a life. There's a lot about her schedule that she just can't change, and as a result, a lot of *other* schedules at the Bookshop are built around accomodating her. She's the reason that my late days bounced from Tuesday to Wednesday to Thursday, why I broke the rule of "I cannot work Saturdays." and other things that I've sort of grumbled about, but only been too happy to accomodate her for.
You see, there's a lot about her situation that's generally unstable, and every once in a while things blow up and she's forced to make drastic, sudden changes. One of those instances have recently happened, and she has to put her child into day care, and she can no longer work evenings. Without blinking, I offer up my Wednesday evenings, and another coworker offers up *her* Tuesday evenings. This leave Fridays, which no one else in the Bookshop is terribly happy about filling.
Odis' games are something I hold sacred, and for various reasons they can only be held on Friday nights. The work/game dichotomy has already been a problem before, when I started working until 6 pm (to accomodate this very same worker). Friday nights, more than any other day of the week, are things I just don't want to give up. I'd be willing to work Tuesday - Thursday nights if it just meant that I didn't work Fridays.
This coworker's under a lot of stress, and understandably so. However, she's been griping to whoever will listen about no one taking her Fridays...even though we've offered to pitch right in with everything else. She's told me she doesn't have any sympathy for people who don't want Fridays just so they get to 'party,' and she's been generally scornful for the past week. An offer for me and two other coworkers to rotate Friday evenings was met with similar scorn.
The kicker was a conversation she had with one of the bosses when they both thought I wasn't around to listen, declaring the fact that I had Saturday and Sunday off unfair. (I'm the only worker who gets actual weekends off.) This, despite the fact that every time the Sunday shift opens up, I'm ready, willing and able to take it.
I don't ask for an awful lot in that Bookshop; I'm willing to be malleable with my schedule any time of the week except for Friday nights and Saturdays. I've tried to make this clear without being a dick about it, and I've even bent *that* rule because this coworker wanted to practice with her band. The fact that I've inconvenienced myself multiple times to fit her schedule before, *and* the fact that I'm going to do it *again* (I've had to move NARFA's Drawing Circle to a less desirable day (of course, this doesn't mean people will follow), and I'll have to tape "Lost" from now on) is irrelevant because I'm not stepping up to take the one day no one else will.
I understand that she has a child, and that she's not happy about this sudden shift, and that even after she gets her schedule properly shifted there's a *lot* of hardship she'll have to endure. I have a lot of sympathy for her, and to be honest I'd feel like ass if she had to bend over backwards to get Friday nights to work out. I've been talking to other coworkers (and will talk to Odis) to see if there can be some kind of happy compromise. What really infuriates me about the whole thing is there's no sympathy or understanding for *my* end.
This situation is not easy for me; granted, it's not as complex as hers, but there are still other people who likewise depend on *my* schedule being one thing. And I've almost always been the first to pull the extra shift, to change my schedule, to accomodate someone...as long as they don't mess with Friday nights. That's all I ask. And the fact that all of my acquiescences are being ignored because of my *one* request is just...shitty to me.
And this seems to be a trend that I've noticed and am really getting sick of. I really hate to sound like "I'm the only one doing things right here." about it, but God-DAMN it I'm really tired of my good nature being mocked and taken advantage of. I'm tired of people saying I suck at debates because I won't steamroll over someone else when they're talking, or when I'll stop and acknowledge that they've made a point that I need to be aware of. I'm tired of people calling me naive because I believe people and things deserve a basic respect simply by virtue of being *alive*. I'm sick of people calling me a push-over because I'll go out of my way to accomodate someone, or I'll help someone who doesn't appreciate it. I'm tired of people disrespecting the idea that honor is worth having. I'm tired of people mocking things that are important to me, I'm sick of people who don't even make the attempt to get where I'm coming from.
THIS is why I've been pulling back for so long; this is why I've stopped actively seeking people out. This is why I've let so many relationships dwindle. Because I'm tired of giving and it not making one bit of difference to these people. I'm tired of trying to understand them, and how they come to the beliefs they do, and not being offered that same treatment in return. I'm fed up with having my attempts at empathy thrown back in my face or blatantly ignored. It's God-damned old, and it's *been* old.
It's a very admirable thing to love the world even when it *seems* hopeless. To respect and cherish people even when they shit on you. But just how far is that supposed to go? I am NOT going to stop valuing the things I value, even if that means I can't share it with most of the people I know. It is *tiring*. I'm tired. And you know, I've been tired for *years* now. Maybe I am naive, but now I'm naive and bitter about it. :) I'm tired of being wounded by people who think it's just all right to wound people. I'm really sick of the lack of compassion.
I don't really know what to do. This is a wilting process that has been going on for a very long time, and there are a few people who've made me realize what's going on recently, and that I don't want to withdraw from people. But that's what I'm doing. My love isn't boundless, thought I'd really like it to be. It's becoming a requirement that my respect be reciprocated. It's not unreasonable. I just feel it's wrong.
I'd love to be able to smile in the face of people who disrespect what I stand for, but I'm not that self-assured. I take things personally. And maybe I shouldn't. But I haven't figured out how not to, just yet.
There, ranting done. Oddly enough, that makes me feel a bit better.
One of our coworkers has a child who's 3 years old. That really awkward age between 'ready for school' and 'needing to be under parental supervision exclusively'. Her schedule is very strange, mainly because she has to work around the needs of her child and the schedule of the father, who also works and would like to have a life. There's a lot about her schedule that she just can't change, and as a result, a lot of *other* schedules at the Bookshop are built around accomodating her. She's the reason that my late days bounced from Tuesday to Wednesday to Thursday, why I broke the rule of "I cannot work Saturdays." and other things that I've sort of grumbled about, but only been too happy to accomodate her for.
You see, there's a lot about her situation that's generally unstable, and every once in a while things blow up and she's forced to make drastic, sudden changes. One of those instances have recently happened, and she has to put her child into day care, and she can no longer work evenings. Without blinking, I offer up my Wednesday evenings, and another coworker offers up *her* Tuesday evenings. This leave Fridays, which no one else in the Bookshop is terribly happy about filling.
Odis' games are something I hold sacred, and for various reasons they can only be held on Friday nights. The work/game dichotomy has already been a problem before, when I started working until 6 pm (to accomodate this very same worker). Friday nights, more than any other day of the week, are things I just don't want to give up. I'd be willing to work Tuesday - Thursday nights if it just meant that I didn't work Fridays.
This coworker's under a lot of stress, and understandably so. However, she's been griping to whoever will listen about no one taking her Fridays...even though we've offered to pitch right in with everything else. She's told me she doesn't have any sympathy for people who don't want Fridays just so they get to 'party,' and she's been generally scornful for the past week. An offer for me and two other coworkers to rotate Friday evenings was met with similar scorn.
The kicker was a conversation she had with one of the bosses when they both thought I wasn't around to listen, declaring the fact that I had Saturday and Sunday off unfair. (I'm the only worker who gets actual weekends off.) This, despite the fact that every time the Sunday shift opens up, I'm ready, willing and able to take it.
I don't ask for an awful lot in that Bookshop; I'm willing to be malleable with my schedule any time of the week except for Friday nights and Saturdays. I've tried to make this clear without being a dick about it, and I've even bent *that* rule because this coworker wanted to practice with her band. The fact that I've inconvenienced myself multiple times to fit her schedule before, *and* the fact that I'm going to do it *again* (I've had to move NARFA's Drawing Circle to a less desirable day (of course, this doesn't mean people will follow), and I'll have to tape "Lost" from now on) is irrelevant because I'm not stepping up to take the one day no one else will.
I understand that she has a child, and that she's not happy about this sudden shift, and that even after she gets her schedule properly shifted there's a *lot* of hardship she'll have to endure. I have a lot of sympathy for her, and to be honest I'd feel like ass if she had to bend over backwards to get Friday nights to work out. I've been talking to other coworkers (and will talk to Odis) to see if there can be some kind of happy compromise. What really infuriates me about the whole thing is there's no sympathy or understanding for *my* end.
This situation is not easy for me; granted, it's not as complex as hers, but there are still other people who likewise depend on *my* schedule being one thing. And I've almost always been the first to pull the extra shift, to change my schedule, to accomodate someone...as long as they don't mess with Friday nights. That's all I ask. And the fact that all of my acquiescences are being ignored because of my *one* request is just...shitty to me.
And this seems to be a trend that I've noticed and am really getting sick of. I really hate to sound like "I'm the only one doing things right here." about it, but God-DAMN it I'm really tired of my good nature being mocked and taken advantage of. I'm tired of people saying I suck at debates because I won't steamroll over someone else when they're talking, or when I'll stop and acknowledge that they've made a point that I need to be aware of. I'm tired of people calling me naive because I believe people and things deserve a basic respect simply by virtue of being *alive*. I'm sick of people calling me a push-over because I'll go out of my way to accomodate someone, or I'll help someone who doesn't appreciate it. I'm tired of people disrespecting the idea that honor is worth having. I'm tired of people mocking things that are important to me, I'm sick of people who don't even make the attempt to get where I'm coming from.
THIS is why I've been pulling back for so long; this is why I've stopped actively seeking people out. This is why I've let so many relationships dwindle. Because I'm tired of giving and it not making one bit of difference to these people. I'm tired of trying to understand them, and how they come to the beliefs they do, and not being offered that same treatment in return. I'm fed up with having my attempts at empathy thrown back in my face or blatantly ignored. It's God-damned old, and it's *been* old.
It's a very admirable thing to love the world even when it *seems* hopeless. To respect and cherish people even when they shit on you. But just how far is that supposed to go? I am NOT going to stop valuing the things I value, even if that means I can't share it with most of the people I know. It is *tiring*. I'm tired. And you know, I've been tired for *years* now. Maybe I am naive, but now I'm naive and bitter about it. :) I'm tired of being wounded by people who think it's just all right to wound people. I'm really sick of the lack of compassion.
I don't really know what to do. This is a wilting process that has been going on for a very long time, and there are a few people who've made me realize what's going on recently, and that I don't want to withdraw from people. But that's what I'm doing. My love isn't boundless, thought I'd really like it to be. It's becoming a requirement that my respect be reciprocated. It's not unreasonable. I just feel it's wrong.
I'd love to be able to smile in the face of people who disrespect what I stand for, but I'm not that self-assured. I take things personally. And maybe I shouldn't. But I haven't figured out how not to, just yet.
There, ranting done. Oddly enough, that makes me feel a bit better.
