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I have this theory that might be baked enough to write, but not quite baked enough to talk about.
Spoon theory was developed in a 2003 essay from Christine Miserandino and has since propagated through the Internet in various forms. Basically it's a way to visualize the physical or mental energy we have every day for the things we need to do. While everyone has a certain amount of spoons every day to spend, activities can "cost" different spoons depending on the effort required to complete them.
I love this theory. It gives you an understandable metaphor that you can use to expand and tweak to explain something really hard to talk about. Most of us have trouble understanding how someone in a major depression could NOT have enough spoons to get up and take a shower because it only takes like, one spoon for us. For the depressed person, though, getting up takes one spoon, taking off your clothes takes another, and dealing with the discomfort of being wet and cold takes two. On a day where you only have one spoon to your name, a shower isn't happening.
The way I see it, each of us has like, 25 spoons to spend in any given day and replenish a certain amount with rest. A baseline human being can do the things that keep them alive with 5 spoons if nothing goes wrong, and if you recharge 8 spoons a day it means you've got some extra spoons for higher items on the hierarchy of needs.
A baseline human being can get up, shower, eat breakfast, go to work, come home, eat dinner, have fulfilling relationships and hobbies, and go to sleep spending 8 - 10 spoons max. Maybe over time they end up depleting spoons during periods of stress and work, so there's less in the tank over time. One week they'll wake up with 25 spoons, but four weeks into a crunch they might only wake up with 15. Days off, extended vacations, rest, really strong bonding experiences -- all of them can replenish your spoons a bit faster.
Extending the metaphor, burnout happens when you have no more spoons left in the tank but you're forced to spend faster than you can replenish. And that can happen any number of ways.
TL;DR: everyone has a finite number of spoons and different rates of replenishing them. "Spoons" represent the physical, mental, and emotional energy we have to face challenges that come up every day.
For those of us with mental illnesses, spoons are a LOT trickier to manage. I'm not sure if the metaphors completely hold up here, but hear me out.
I have chronic depression, which means that it takes a longer time for me to replenish spoons. Those of us with depression aren't always depressed, but it does take us longer to recover from trauma AND trauma tends to affect us more deeply.
So when an emergency pops up, it takes us more spoons to handle it and those spoons come back more slowly than most.
I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, which means that there's a frequent "tax" on the spoons that I spend. If something triggers an anxious response, it means I have to spend spoons managing that anxiety AND dealing with whatever comes up.
So if something happens that puts me in fight-or-flight mode, the automatic nervous response takes extra spoons no matter what.
I also have ADHD, which means I have a lot of trouble keeping track of my spoons -- and accurately predicting how many spoons something will take. I'm frequently in a position where I wake up thinking I have 20 spoons but I only have 17 -- and the projects I've allotted 10 spoons for will actually take 15.
So I frequently end up in situations where I have fewer spoons than I thought I did, but I'm in the middle of something that takes more spoons than I have.
Compared to most people, I often don't know how many spoons I have, don't know how many I need to spend, have to spend extra on regulating all these nerves, and don't recover them as fast. I'm often surprised by burnout while I'm in situations I've committed to. And none of this is easy to say when I'm exhausted with life in general. It's hard to recognize it in the moment I'm experiencing it, and most times when I try it comes across as whining.
It's taken me a lot of work, and a LOT of trial and error, to get to a place where I feel decently functional. And even on the day to day, it takes a lot of work. Most of the time it feels like I'm closer to the end of my spoons than the beginning.
Coping mechanisms take spoons, but they also really help save them over time. It takes an extra spoon to meditate in the morning, but it's worth it because I might save two spoons managing an anxiety response and focusing on my task better. Stuff like cognitive behavioral therapy and mindfulness work also take spoons, but the idea is that it helps you keep track of spoons AND to be more accurate when predicting how many you'll need for something. The idea isn't to prevent spoons from being used; it's to have more control over how you're using them.
But even with the coping mechanisms, the fact remains that spoons take longer for me to replenish when they're gone. And I can't replenish them when I'm in fight-or-flight mode -- which steals spoons already.
So....if something happens unexpectedly, like friends getting into a fight or someone having a mental health crisis, that takes a TON of spoons. Anxiety means that spoons are just disappearing while I try to navigate and manage my emotions; ADHD means more spoons disappear checking impulses to offer advice, nudge someone into a different perspective, or feel rejected; then there's just the toll of the situation -- fights are stressful and take a lot of energy to handle.
And if those fights are frequent I quickly find myself in a situation where I'm just burned out. If I had to drop 10 spoons on an unexpected fight one day, then 8 spoons to stop someone else from spinning out, then another 7 spoons on a different fight the next week...suddenly I'm burned out and in addition to...everything else I'm dealing with I have to brace for a fight or a crisis I know will come but never when.
That's...unsustainable. Life is hard enough for those of us with mental illnesses. We're doing all of this background work to "mask" our symptoms that takes this invisible toll. Most people will never see it, and even if they do it feels like they wouldn't understand how hard it can make things sometimes. It is really hard to understand being too depressed to get out of bed if you've never been in that headspace.
It takes a lot of work for me to smile as much as I do. Over time I've come to really enjoy that work and the other work I decide to engage in, but it doesn't change the fact that I have to spend more spoons than most AND don't get them back as fast as others. I don't want people to treat me any differently; I'm not some emotionally fragile thing who can't handle stress. But it would be nice if folks understood how difficult it is for me to manage my spoons.
I also recognize that my friends can't always "choose" when they'll need to lean on someone. It's important for me to be available for the people I care about when they need it; I never want to turn someone away when they're struggling. We're living in a time where everyone's spoons are mostly spent all the time; we help one another by lending each other our spoons when we have them. I love the community I've built here, and I am honestly happy serving the people within it as best I can.
I guess that's why I feel so...aloof with people sometimes. Like, I genuinely love people, especially the folks in my circle. But it's hard when you're an introvert, because talking to people takes spoons and when you're burned out you just don't have it in you. I wish I could communicate that "Hey, we're cool and I enjoy you, but I have no more spoons to give because they're all allocated elsewhere so can we just be chill?"
Anyway, still noodling this out. I think I'm onto something, but it still feels like most folks will hear "I'm a sparkledog with three collected diagnoses, don't be mean to me!" or "You're doing a bad thing and I secretly think you're a terrible person."
Really, it's "This is the way in which life is hard for me; please keep that in mind if you can." I never want someone to carry my shit; I just want others to acknowledge the load I'm under, you know?
Spoon theory was developed in a 2003 essay from Christine Miserandino and has since propagated through the Internet in various forms. Basically it's a way to visualize the physical or mental energy we have every day for the things we need to do. While everyone has a certain amount of spoons every day to spend, activities can "cost" different spoons depending on the effort required to complete them.
I love this theory. It gives you an understandable metaphor that you can use to expand and tweak to explain something really hard to talk about. Most of us have trouble understanding how someone in a major depression could NOT have enough spoons to get up and take a shower because it only takes like, one spoon for us. For the depressed person, though, getting up takes one spoon, taking off your clothes takes another, and dealing with the discomfort of being wet and cold takes two. On a day where you only have one spoon to your name, a shower isn't happening.
The way I see it, each of us has like, 25 spoons to spend in any given day and replenish a certain amount with rest. A baseline human being can do the things that keep them alive with 5 spoons if nothing goes wrong, and if you recharge 8 spoons a day it means you've got some extra spoons for higher items on the hierarchy of needs.
A baseline human being can get up, shower, eat breakfast, go to work, come home, eat dinner, have fulfilling relationships and hobbies, and go to sleep spending 8 - 10 spoons max. Maybe over time they end up depleting spoons during periods of stress and work, so there's less in the tank over time. One week they'll wake up with 25 spoons, but four weeks into a crunch they might only wake up with 15. Days off, extended vacations, rest, really strong bonding experiences -- all of them can replenish your spoons a bit faster.
Extending the metaphor, burnout happens when you have no more spoons left in the tank but you're forced to spend faster than you can replenish. And that can happen any number of ways.
TL;DR: everyone has a finite number of spoons and different rates of replenishing them. "Spoons" represent the physical, mental, and emotional energy we have to face challenges that come up every day.
For those of us with mental illnesses, spoons are a LOT trickier to manage. I'm not sure if the metaphors completely hold up here, but hear me out.
I have chronic depression, which means that it takes a longer time for me to replenish spoons. Those of us with depression aren't always depressed, but it does take us longer to recover from trauma AND trauma tends to affect us more deeply.
So when an emergency pops up, it takes us more spoons to handle it and those spoons come back more slowly than most.
I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, which means that there's a frequent "tax" on the spoons that I spend. If something triggers an anxious response, it means I have to spend spoons managing that anxiety AND dealing with whatever comes up.
So if something happens that puts me in fight-or-flight mode, the automatic nervous response takes extra spoons no matter what.
I also have ADHD, which means I have a lot of trouble keeping track of my spoons -- and accurately predicting how many spoons something will take. I'm frequently in a position where I wake up thinking I have 20 spoons but I only have 17 -- and the projects I've allotted 10 spoons for will actually take 15.
So I frequently end up in situations where I have fewer spoons than I thought I did, but I'm in the middle of something that takes more spoons than I have.
Compared to most people, I often don't know how many spoons I have, don't know how many I need to spend, have to spend extra on regulating all these nerves, and don't recover them as fast. I'm often surprised by burnout while I'm in situations I've committed to. And none of this is easy to say when I'm exhausted with life in general. It's hard to recognize it in the moment I'm experiencing it, and most times when I try it comes across as whining.
It's taken me a lot of work, and a LOT of trial and error, to get to a place where I feel decently functional. And even on the day to day, it takes a lot of work. Most of the time it feels like I'm closer to the end of my spoons than the beginning.
Coping mechanisms take spoons, but they also really help save them over time. It takes an extra spoon to meditate in the morning, but it's worth it because I might save two spoons managing an anxiety response and focusing on my task better. Stuff like cognitive behavioral therapy and mindfulness work also take spoons, but the idea is that it helps you keep track of spoons AND to be more accurate when predicting how many you'll need for something. The idea isn't to prevent spoons from being used; it's to have more control over how you're using them.
But even with the coping mechanisms, the fact remains that spoons take longer for me to replenish when they're gone. And I can't replenish them when I'm in fight-or-flight mode -- which steals spoons already.
So....if something happens unexpectedly, like friends getting into a fight or someone having a mental health crisis, that takes a TON of spoons. Anxiety means that spoons are just disappearing while I try to navigate and manage my emotions; ADHD means more spoons disappear checking impulses to offer advice, nudge someone into a different perspective, or feel rejected; then there's just the toll of the situation -- fights are stressful and take a lot of energy to handle.
And if those fights are frequent I quickly find myself in a situation where I'm just burned out. If I had to drop 10 spoons on an unexpected fight one day, then 8 spoons to stop someone else from spinning out, then another 7 spoons on a different fight the next week...suddenly I'm burned out and in addition to...everything else I'm dealing with I have to brace for a fight or a crisis I know will come but never when.
That's...unsustainable. Life is hard enough for those of us with mental illnesses. We're doing all of this background work to "mask" our symptoms that takes this invisible toll. Most people will never see it, and even if they do it feels like they wouldn't understand how hard it can make things sometimes. It is really hard to understand being too depressed to get out of bed if you've never been in that headspace.
It takes a lot of work for me to smile as much as I do. Over time I've come to really enjoy that work and the other work I decide to engage in, but it doesn't change the fact that I have to spend more spoons than most AND don't get them back as fast as others. I don't want people to treat me any differently; I'm not some emotionally fragile thing who can't handle stress. But it would be nice if folks understood how difficult it is for me to manage my spoons.
I also recognize that my friends can't always "choose" when they'll need to lean on someone. It's important for me to be available for the people I care about when they need it; I never want to turn someone away when they're struggling. We're living in a time where everyone's spoons are mostly spent all the time; we help one another by lending each other our spoons when we have them. I love the community I've built here, and I am honestly happy serving the people within it as best I can.
I guess that's why I feel so...aloof with people sometimes. Like, I genuinely love people, especially the folks in my circle. But it's hard when you're an introvert, because talking to people takes spoons and when you're burned out you just don't have it in you. I wish I could communicate that "Hey, we're cool and I enjoy you, but I have no more spoons to give because they're all allocated elsewhere so can we just be chill?"
Anyway, still noodling this out. I think I'm onto something, but it still feels like most folks will hear "I'm a sparkledog with three collected diagnoses, don't be mean to me!" or "You're doing a bad thing and I secretly think you're a terrible person."
Really, it's "This is the way in which life is hard for me; please keep that in mind if you can." I never want someone to carry my shit; I just want others to acknowledge the load I'm under, you know?
