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Yesterday was meditation, morning walk, a trip to the store for breakfast-type stuff, work, lunch at Armadillo Willy's, more work (.5 hr OT), installing a rope light on my computer desk, making dinner, playing in Rat Boss' A5E Kjester campaign, and a little bit of Final Fantasy XIV before bed.
Work is getting more and more comfortable by the day. We've recently implemented a policy where two teams of four to five analysts switch off on ticket duty every other day, and I think it's working out well for the most part. Yesterday was a ticket day but I still managed to check 23 certificates -- not a far cry from the 30/day goal I'm aiming for. The week before last I was just 11 certs shy of the goal; then last week a couple sticky tickets (and long-running holds) sent me back down.
This week? I'm optimistic, though today has been dominated by a ticket someone in technical writing keeps re-opening. Also, the software we use to do all of our work just died for half of the morning, so...that kind of thing affects productivity. It might be a good idea to start keeping track of these issues as they happen and estimate how much time gets lost there. I can be ready with a loose report for our next one-on-one.
Dinner was crispy-skin salmon with lemon-caper mayo, New-England-style potatoes, sauteed green beans and tomatoes. I know my way around a piece of salmon by now, and I think I can produce pretty consistent results -- so the next step is really nailing the cooking time for the best possible texture. The green beans and tomatoes were decent but could have used a *touch* more salt; the potatoes, on the other hand, could have used a bit less. The "New-England-style" prep is basically tossing half-inch potato rounds with salt, pepper, and legally-distinct-from-Old-Bay seasoning before roasting them at 450 for about 18 minutes. Now that I'm thinking about it, I wonder if I could roast them at 400 for 25 minutes to get a crispier texture. Maybe something to research in my copious amounts of free time. ;)
I want to talk about this song. It's "Love Never" by Jimmy Eat World, and it's a bit of tough love that has straightened me out over the last week.
I've said this in some form before, but looking back I think I gave up on the world after the 2016 election. Since then it's been really hard to push myself to improve, to make things, to put myself out there. Why bother trying to become a better storyteller? Who actually listens to stories? What use are they when we're going to roast ourselves alive in 20 years?
Why bother talking about the value of compassion or imagine a better society when it's clear no one around me has any real desire to roll up their sleeves and make it happen? Why do anything? The world as I know it will end within my lifetime and what comes after that will be nothing worth living for.
So I admit, I fled into pot and time-wasting shit. Now that the mood's grip is loosening, it feels like I was just trying to numb myself as much as possible -- like "numb" became my "comfortable". And you can't really talk about that kind of thing with most people; it's one thing to...share emotional burdens with others, but...what can anyone really do about this feeling? Most of us are feeling it in some way or another, and I'm not sure it helps anyone to name it, to focus on it, to detail the ways I'm struggling with it. Especially if I can't see a way through it.
What I found, though, is that this version of me was too distracted to be present for friends, too frightened to be creative, too resigned to think things could improve. I don't like this version of myself and I'm ready to push out of it.
So -- "Love Never" feels like this refutation of that voice in the back of my head:
"It's gonna seem so hard
It's gonna feel so far
until you want the work more than reward;
until you stop asking 'Oh what is it all for?'
Do you want the work more than the reward?"
When I absorbed those lyrics, just like that, the "dream" I was in popped like a bubble. Love is action unconcerned with reciprocation. To live a life of love, you have to focus on the act of loving -- not the feeling of being loved.
This extrapolates out a bit, but basically it's a good thing to remember about so much -- writing, cleaning, working. The secret truth is that life isn't in the results; it's in the acts that take you there. Being mindful means connecting with this secret truth in real time, whether you're cleaning or writing or whatever.
You get so used to the idea that life isn't good, that nothing is satisfying, that you forget just the act of living is...satisfying. At least, with the right perspective. And I want to work on improving my life because it's my life. What else am I going to do with it?
Work is getting more and more comfortable by the day. We've recently implemented a policy where two teams of four to five analysts switch off on ticket duty every other day, and I think it's working out well for the most part. Yesterday was a ticket day but I still managed to check 23 certificates -- not a far cry from the 30/day goal I'm aiming for. The week before last I was just 11 certs shy of the goal; then last week a couple sticky tickets (and long-running holds) sent me back down.
This week? I'm optimistic, though today has been dominated by a ticket someone in technical writing keeps re-opening. Also, the software we use to do all of our work just died for half of the morning, so...that kind of thing affects productivity. It might be a good idea to start keeping track of these issues as they happen and estimate how much time gets lost there. I can be ready with a loose report for our next one-on-one.
Dinner was crispy-skin salmon with lemon-caper mayo, New-England-style potatoes, sauteed green beans and tomatoes. I know my way around a piece of salmon by now, and I think I can produce pretty consistent results -- so the next step is really nailing the cooking time for the best possible texture. The green beans and tomatoes were decent but could have used a *touch* more salt; the potatoes, on the other hand, could have used a bit less. The "New-England-style" prep is basically tossing half-inch potato rounds with salt, pepper, and legally-distinct-from-Old-Bay seasoning before roasting them at 450 for about 18 minutes. Now that I'm thinking about it, I wonder if I could roast them at 400 for 25 minutes to get a crispier texture. Maybe something to research in my copious amounts of free time. ;)
I want to talk about this song. It's "Love Never" by Jimmy Eat World, and it's a bit of tough love that has straightened me out over the last week.
I've said this in some form before, but looking back I think I gave up on the world after the 2016 election. Since then it's been really hard to push myself to improve, to make things, to put myself out there. Why bother trying to become a better storyteller? Who actually listens to stories? What use are they when we're going to roast ourselves alive in 20 years?
Why bother talking about the value of compassion or imagine a better society when it's clear no one around me has any real desire to roll up their sleeves and make it happen? Why do anything? The world as I know it will end within my lifetime and what comes after that will be nothing worth living for.
So I admit, I fled into pot and time-wasting shit. Now that the mood's grip is loosening, it feels like I was just trying to numb myself as much as possible -- like "numb" became my "comfortable". And you can't really talk about that kind of thing with most people; it's one thing to...share emotional burdens with others, but...what can anyone really do about this feeling? Most of us are feeling it in some way or another, and I'm not sure it helps anyone to name it, to focus on it, to detail the ways I'm struggling with it. Especially if I can't see a way through it.
What I found, though, is that this version of me was too distracted to be present for friends, too frightened to be creative, too resigned to think things could improve. I don't like this version of myself and I'm ready to push out of it.
So -- "Love Never" feels like this refutation of that voice in the back of my head:
"It's gonna seem so hard
It's gonna feel so far
until you want the work more than reward;
until you stop asking 'Oh what is it all for?'
Do you want the work more than the reward?"
When I absorbed those lyrics, just like that, the "dream" I was in popped like a bubble. Love is action unconcerned with reciprocation. To live a life of love, you have to focus on the act of loving -- not the feeling of being loved.
This extrapolates out a bit, but basically it's a good thing to remember about so much -- writing, cleaning, working. The secret truth is that life isn't in the results; it's in the acts that take you there. Being mindful means connecting with this secret truth in real time, whether you're cleaning or writing or whatever.
You get so used to the idea that life isn't good, that nothing is satisfying, that you forget just the act of living is...satisfying. At least, with the right perspective. And I want to work on improving my life because it's my life. What else am I going to do with it?
