A Mental Health Rumination

I was really in my feelings yesterday morning, so let's talk about that a bit more.

This depressed friend and I go way back; he's one of my earliest friends in the fandom and we've been through a lot together. I don't know if he knows this, but he really helped me through one of the worst times in my life -- when I was disowned and kicked out of my house. We didn't talk much about how suicidally-depressed I was at the time, but he was a friend who cared about me at a time when they were in short supply and it was desperately needed. We drew apart over time as he settled into his friend group and I settled into mine, but we kept in touch here and there.

The...self-talk that manifests in his depression sounds a lot like mine, so I have this natural sympathy for him when he's in a low mood. It's almost like I'm talking to a past version of myself where I have the chance to learn some hard-earned lessons earlier and hopefully shorten the time it takes to put together a decent life for yourself. Through meditation, and self-inquiry, trial and error, it feels like I have a good handle on my depression and I like the idea of sharing that experience with others if it'll help.

My friend has treatment-resistant depression, and an intense anxiety disorder. Because anti-depressants don't work well and he hasn't found a therapist he truly bonds with, he doesn't have much faith in the "process", that hard game of inches where you have to put your life together bit by bit. Honestly, I get that. You're fighting the inertia of your brain, which very much wants to keep you in that deep, dark hole. You have to find the energy to resist the regular drain that makes you want to give up AND find new energy to embrace new thought patterns. If you don't have a prescribed anti-depressant that puts you on a more even emotional footing, that work feels impossible.

He has a tendency to self-medicate, but recognizes that alcohol is a problem for him and tries his best to be sober. He leans a bit more on marijuana, which is...another coping mechanism we have in common.

So much of his energy goes to relitigating social encounters and either focusing on where he's fucked up OR how the other party is failing him in some way. Sometimes, if the narrative is particularly strong, he'll act out by isolating himself further and/or getting angry at the people around him for their shortcomings.

It's a terrible situation for him. :( I've been in that state, where you're just so exhausted but your brain just will NOT stop force-feeding you bad vibes. That perception becomes your reality, and your brain spends so much time shooting down the alternative perspectives your friends are trying to give you. This was what college was like for me, the whole time.

Part of the reason I feel bad about being angry at him is that so much of this is outside of his conscious control. He can't help what his depression and anxiety are telling him, and it makes sense that he would make these kinds of big gestures if that's what his depression narrative is demanding he does. He doesn't mean to be careless with the feelings of other people, and he's said multiple times how bad he feels about it. I try very hard to be understanding of that.

But I also have my own shit to work through -- and so does everyone else he talks to. It's frustrating to see him hurt people who have been trying to help him this whole time, especially when you can't talk to him directly about it because you know it will trigger horrible self-talk and reinforce that narrative. It feels like I'm often stuck between enabling bad behavior OR worsening his mental health crisis by trying to work through these feelings. Eventually my understanding runs out and I'm just like "I don't have time for this, figure your shit out." But from his perspective, I'm sure that comes across as "You're a trash person just like I thought you were and I'm giving up on you."

I can't bear that thought. But I also have to recognize when I'm in a situation detrimental to my own mental health, take steps to protect my peace. As I work to align my life with the person I want to be, it's important for me to...be able to ask for the things I need without shame, or be honest about difficult emotions when they come up. I tend to hide them when they arise, and then bury them once the immediate situation is over -- but I've learned that leads to resentment that bubbles up with so many unrelated issues. It's not fair to others when they're surprised by this long-running behavior you've hated the whole time and you only tell them when you're arguing about something else.

I really want to be a positive influence for this friend and a helpful guide to his recovery, but I also don't want to deplete my social battery on one person who...is just as likely to turn on and abandon me as he is to apologize for treating me poorly. It takes a special kind of person to nurse a venomous wild animal back to health, especially on a volunteer basis. I want to be that kind of person, but I'm finding my limits.

It's not the best thing to learn about yourself, that you're not as selfless as you thought. And maybe the anger at my friend is really anger about being "exposed" as someone with emotional needs and limits. No one likes feeling a failure, and...my handling of this is an education in my limitations, the things I can't do.

Maybe in order to be truly gentle with my friend, I should be more gentle and accepting with myself. It's OK to have these emotions, this feeling about my mom, but not OK to take my bad mood out on him while I struggle with it.