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Sep. 7th, 2023 09:30 amYesterday was pretty full. R. was working from home so we listened to music and podcasts while I worked through a new kind of report. I'm getting better at filling the gaps in my knowledge through existing resources, so checking out the Wiki, previous service orders, and client folders have become a bit more intuitive for me. And learning about the underlying theory behind the job really helps me put things in context more easily. There's still the matter of learning the acronyms and precise measurements, but I'm sure that will come with more time.
I finished all the work I had on tap yesterday, so I finished the day with a little bit of window shopping. I have $40 in Macy's credits that will expire in a few days, but spending them has been this weird exercise in choice paralysis. I definitely need a new chef's knife for the kitchen, but I could also use more hand towels and dishcloths. Or should I get a new pair of shoes? Maybe a pet bed for the rabbit, or a cover for the leather couch we're slowly disintegrating through use. There's so much we need it's hard to pinpoint exactly what to use free money for. Most likely I'll get new socks and underwear -- this is my go-to purchase at Macy's, and I could always use them.
I also got an email from Dell about the possibility of a trade-in for either my laptop or desktop. Just out of curiosity I pushed both through the process -- and the laptop gets over twice that of the desktop ($300 vs. $120)! It might be easier to resell a refurbished laptop than it would be to sell a refurbished desktop, so I suppose that scans. What it tells me, though, is that Dell is probably not the way to go with pre-built towers. They do offer a pretty great payment plan and Dell Rewards ain't nothing to sniff at, but I'd rather set up my own rig so it's a bit easier to upgrade or swap things out if I need to.
Ultimately I probably won't pull the trigger on that. My current desktop works just fine and there are other parts of the house that could use some love. Besides, I don't need to be in a hurry to spend money -- I could just take the rest of the year to settle into a groove living within my means. The day job is still new enough that I'm not exactly sure what my typical budget will look like, but I'm getting there. Taking a look at monthly expenditures to see if I need to make a few more belt-tightening moves isn't the worst idea.
K's Godswake game went well last night. It was almost all combat, as our tiefling bard found the hidden entrance to a drow cave as a cave bear and triggered a trap. Everyone brought their A game, and my firbolg druid managed a bit of crowd control, a decent amount of damage, healing in a few clutch moments, and even summoned a fey creature who ended the fight by taking out the last enemy! All in all, a pretty good showing after feeling like I've struggled to master magic all session.
Both K and R were on me about proper magic usage the entire night, and R especially was second-guessing my actions during turns. I was on top of my game so I had an answer for most objections -- and took it reasonably well when I had missed a detail. I did note a feeling of being ganged up on arising at the table, but it produced only mild defensiveness and/or anger. With K, there's a LOT of moving parts and it's hard to keep tabs on 11th-level characters to make sure rules aren't being skirted. He was making sure everyone walked the straight and narrow! With R, it felt more like...engaging with me was the safest way to be a part of the table and (this is conjecture) maybe he soothed his discomfort with feeling rejected at the table by correcting my behavior. I didn't take it too personally at the table, and I don't really feel that much different about it now. But I do wish that his relationship with my character didn't quite feel so...critical.
I haven't gotten nearly as much done this week as I would have liked. Still fighting through feelings of free-floating anxiety and an inclination to just...float away into daydreams. It's become clear to me just how uncomfortable I am being present in my own body, in my own situation. I've become avoidant of my own thoughts and emotions as a default, and because I can't process them and relate to the world using that perspective I've become avoidant of the world in general as well.
There have been a few things pushing me out of that loop recently. First, a few video essays on YouTube about how artists, thinkers, and "sensitive types" are thinking about the sense of pervading doom smothering our days. They think seriously about the folks who have given up and why they've done so, make some very great points about why it's a flawed but understandable view, and offer some helpful suggestions on how to navigate a world that feels like it's ending. It gave me hope, for the first time in maybe ten years, that there might be a life worth living after the collapse of civilization.
The second is, honestly, just having enough personal space to recognize how disregulated I've become. I know that the reliance on marijuana was a problem, and that a growing emptiness had been developing inside me because I wasn't feeling fulfilled by my life. So many people are having such a hard time of things and I've been noticing how ill-equipped any of us are to help each other.
If I want to make the world a better place -- even while it's ending -- it means that I have to get my shit together to figure out how to work with it. I can't control the actions of other people, but I can control how I see the world, the boundaries I set for myself, and at least the amount of effort I'm using to put something good into it.
I know I've taken a beating for most of my life and it's left a lot of scars, but I'm tired of avoiding the pain that comes with healing my wounds. So, that's the work for the rest of the year -- get to a more balanced place with myself and do my best to be a balancing influence on those around me.
I finished all the work I had on tap yesterday, so I finished the day with a little bit of window shopping. I have $40 in Macy's credits that will expire in a few days, but spending them has been this weird exercise in choice paralysis. I definitely need a new chef's knife for the kitchen, but I could also use more hand towels and dishcloths. Or should I get a new pair of shoes? Maybe a pet bed for the rabbit, or a cover for the leather couch we're slowly disintegrating through use. There's so much we need it's hard to pinpoint exactly what to use free money for. Most likely I'll get new socks and underwear -- this is my go-to purchase at Macy's, and I could always use them.
I also got an email from Dell about the possibility of a trade-in for either my laptop or desktop. Just out of curiosity I pushed both through the process -- and the laptop gets over twice that of the desktop ($300 vs. $120)! It might be easier to resell a refurbished laptop than it would be to sell a refurbished desktop, so I suppose that scans. What it tells me, though, is that Dell is probably not the way to go with pre-built towers. They do offer a pretty great payment plan and Dell Rewards ain't nothing to sniff at, but I'd rather set up my own rig so it's a bit easier to upgrade or swap things out if I need to.
Ultimately I probably won't pull the trigger on that. My current desktop works just fine and there are other parts of the house that could use some love. Besides, I don't need to be in a hurry to spend money -- I could just take the rest of the year to settle into a groove living within my means. The day job is still new enough that I'm not exactly sure what my typical budget will look like, but I'm getting there. Taking a look at monthly expenditures to see if I need to make a few more belt-tightening moves isn't the worst idea.
K's Godswake game went well last night. It was almost all combat, as our tiefling bard found the hidden entrance to a drow cave as a cave bear and triggered a trap. Everyone brought their A game, and my firbolg druid managed a bit of crowd control, a decent amount of damage, healing in a few clutch moments, and even summoned a fey creature who ended the fight by taking out the last enemy! All in all, a pretty good showing after feeling like I've struggled to master magic all session.
Both K and R were on me about proper magic usage the entire night, and R especially was second-guessing my actions during turns. I was on top of my game so I had an answer for most objections -- and took it reasonably well when I had missed a detail. I did note a feeling of being ganged up on arising at the table, but it produced only mild defensiveness and/or anger. With K, there's a LOT of moving parts and it's hard to keep tabs on 11th-level characters to make sure rules aren't being skirted. He was making sure everyone walked the straight and narrow! With R, it felt more like...engaging with me was the safest way to be a part of the table and (this is conjecture) maybe he soothed his discomfort with feeling rejected at the table by correcting my behavior. I didn't take it too personally at the table, and I don't really feel that much different about it now. But I do wish that his relationship with my character didn't quite feel so...critical.
I haven't gotten nearly as much done this week as I would have liked. Still fighting through feelings of free-floating anxiety and an inclination to just...float away into daydreams. It's become clear to me just how uncomfortable I am being present in my own body, in my own situation. I've become avoidant of my own thoughts and emotions as a default, and because I can't process them and relate to the world using that perspective I've become avoidant of the world in general as well.
There have been a few things pushing me out of that loop recently. First, a few video essays on YouTube about how artists, thinkers, and "sensitive types" are thinking about the sense of pervading doom smothering our days. They think seriously about the folks who have given up and why they've done so, make some very great points about why it's a flawed but understandable view, and offer some helpful suggestions on how to navigate a world that feels like it's ending. It gave me hope, for the first time in maybe ten years, that there might be a life worth living after the collapse of civilization.
The second is, honestly, just having enough personal space to recognize how disregulated I've become. I know that the reliance on marijuana was a problem, and that a growing emptiness had been developing inside me because I wasn't feeling fulfilled by my life. So many people are having such a hard time of things and I've been noticing how ill-equipped any of us are to help each other.
If I want to make the world a better place -- even while it's ending -- it means that I have to get my shit together to figure out how to work with it. I can't control the actions of other people, but I can control how I see the world, the boundaries I set for myself, and at least the amount of effort I'm using to put something good into it.
I know I've taken a beating for most of my life and it's left a lot of scars, but I'm tired of avoiding the pain that comes with healing my wounds. So, that's the work for the rest of the year -- get to a more balanced place with myself and do my best to be a balancing influence on those around me.
