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Back in the Saddle
Jan. 3rd, 2023 07:42 am
Today is the first day of work! I have fewer emails than expected, but already there are some potential major problems. No worries, no panic -- I just need to take a look at things, assess the situations, and take action. I've got this.
There is a lot to work on right up front. In addition to catching up on the metrics for each of these programs, I'll need to take care of any lingering student concerns, start work on my annual review, prepare for a couple of major events coming up in the next two weeks...and make sure everything is in place for my NEXT vacation.
Further Confusion is part of that, but since work has graciously provided us with a Wellness Day (floating day off, eight times a year) and MLK Day off I don't really need to take time off for it! The Monday after the convention, however, it's off to...Memphis? to see the last of R's brothers get married. We'll be off for a week since R is a groomsman, and I imagine he'll be involved in the rehearsal dinner, bachelor party and everything else. I'm not sure if I'm tagging along for all of that, so it might be a good opportunity to spend some downtime writing, reading, and studying. We'll see how it shakes out.
At any rate, all of this means I'll need to work pretty hard for the next two weeks to make sure everything's done. After spending so much time off work, I think I'm ready for the challenge.
I am a little worried about R's cold, though. The initial cold, caught after Christmas, has subsided. But his cough has returned with a vengeance, and he's complained about getting dizzy with a particularly rough coughing fit or just standing up. This happened to me when I got bronchitis, which loves to set up as a secondary infection just as you're getting rid of the first. I'd ask him to head to the doctor to get checked out, but he never listens to me when I do that. I just have to keep watching him for other signs, then find the right time to make the suggestion. Maybe if I offer to take him to the doctor?
Wrote about the Four Noble Truths for The Writing Desk yesterday, and that felt great. I purchased a subscription to Grammarly, and went through its suggestions for the first time. While I'm not sure it'll "fix" my writing, it definitely points out a few weaknesses that I should be aware of. It's good training to make my writing more direct and confident, which I could always use. I'm happy about that.
Today and tomorrow I'll work on the post for the Noble Eightfold Path. This one feels a bit harder, and not just because there are twice as many points to consider. I want the post to be comprehensive but concise so readers don't feel like they've come to this really dry lecture about Buddhism. I realize at some point I should trust my voice and my audience to be interested in what I have to say. But I also realize that presentation is a weak point for me. I'd like for my writing to be punchier, more accessible, and more fun to read. It's important to me that I'm able to relay my passions in a way that makes other people excited.
On Friday, there's the Metta Sutta and the Bodhisattva Vow. I'm always surprised by how much I tend to live my life aligned with the Metta Sutta already once I re-read it. Making sure that everyone I come in contact with feels at ease is important to me, so loving-kindness is one of the main values I live by. The sutta is such a beautiful statement of purpose, a vision of boundless love, that I can't help but recommit to this value every time. Mostly, this also feels like me in my "natural state" unburdened by fear and anxiety. It would be so much easier to love everyone if I didn't feel like the need to protect myself from an inherently hostile world.
That leads me down the road of exploring my anxiety. On some level, I do realize that I have an Anxiety Disorder and this means I'm hypersensitive to perceived dangers. The rejection sensitive dysphoria that comes with ADHD spins that anxiety through an interpersonal lens, so I'm constantly on the lookout for rejection. Sometimes, I see rejection where none exists. So, a lot of this anxiety comes from an irrational place, a distinct malfunction of my brain chemistry. It's easy to accept this logically, but in practice it's so much more difficult to manage.
Because rejection does happen. Sometimes you say things that people don't like, or you don't communicate well and misunderstandings happen. Sometimes, it doesn't matter what you do. You'll bounce off people with clashing personalities. It's hard for me to separate an actual, potentially reasonable rejection from a perceived rejection or someone just being a jerk. It all feels like the same thing. So either EVERY perceived rejection is a valid one, or everyone is being really unfair to me all of the time.
That "all-or-nothing" viewpoint is also a function of a malfunctioning brain, I know. And when I step back I can see that most of the time. But when I'm experiencing the rejection, my emotions short-circuit that reasoning part of my brain. So I'm just left with that devastation and panicky feeling, and sometimes I can't help but react from that place. So, friends who do the good-natured ribbing thing or honestly want to give me a mild rebuke have to deal with this outsized reaction from me. That's not a good time for anyone.
It's a difficult thing to accept because anxiety is such a hard emotion to work with in the moment. But apparently facing your fears is the best way to train yourself to deal with it, so in order to get closer to that unreserved love version of myself I need to expose myself to the things that make me anxious and learn to work through them.
That means writing (and showing what I write) more. It means taking more risks with the stories I tell and the way I tell them. It means being gracious about taking feedback and working out what's legitimately constructive vs. what's coming from someone else's deal that has nothing to do with me. It's...hard, but a worthy endeavor for the year. Worry less. Love more. It's a good mantra. :)
There is a lot to work on right up front. In addition to catching up on the metrics for each of these programs, I'll need to take care of any lingering student concerns, start work on my annual review, prepare for a couple of major events coming up in the next two weeks...and make sure everything is in place for my NEXT vacation.
Further Confusion is part of that, but since work has graciously provided us with a Wellness Day (floating day off, eight times a year) and MLK Day off I don't really need to take time off for it! The Monday after the convention, however, it's off to...Memphis? to see the last of R's brothers get married. We'll be off for a week since R is a groomsman, and I imagine he'll be involved in the rehearsal dinner, bachelor party and everything else. I'm not sure if I'm tagging along for all of that, so it might be a good opportunity to spend some downtime writing, reading, and studying. We'll see how it shakes out.
At any rate, all of this means I'll need to work pretty hard for the next two weeks to make sure everything's done. After spending so much time off work, I think I'm ready for the challenge.
I am a little worried about R's cold, though. The initial cold, caught after Christmas, has subsided. But his cough has returned with a vengeance, and he's complained about getting dizzy with a particularly rough coughing fit or just standing up. This happened to me when I got bronchitis, which loves to set up as a secondary infection just as you're getting rid of the first. I'd ask him to head to the doctor to get checked out, but he never listens to me when I do that. I just have to keep watching him for other signs, then find the right time to make the suggestion. Maybe if I offer to take him to the doctor?
Wrote about the Four Noble Truths for The Writing Desk yesterday, and that felt great. I purchased a subscription to Grammarly, and went through its suggestions for the first time. While I'm not sure it'll "fix" my writing, it definitely points out a few weaknesses that I should be aware of. It's good training to make my writing more direct and confident, which I could always use. I'm happy about that.
Today and tomorrow I'll work on the post for the Noble Eightfold Path. This one feels a bit harder, and not just because there are twice as many points to consider. I want the post to be comprehensive but concise so readers don't feel like they've come to this really dry lecture about Buddhism. I realize at some point I should trust my voice and my audience to be interested in what I have to say. But I also realize that presentation is a weak point for me. I'd like for my writing to be punchier, more accessible, and more fun to read. It's important to me that I'm able to relay my passions in a way that makes other people excited.
On Friday, there's the Metta Sutta and the Bodhisattva Vow. I'm always surprised by how much I tend to live my life aligned with the Metta Sutta already once I re-read it. Making sure that everyone I come in contact with feels at ease is important to me, so loving-kindness is one of the main values I live by. The sutta is such a beautiful statement of purpose, a vision of boundless love, that I can't help but recommit to this value every time. Mostly, this also feels like me in my "natural state" unburdened by fear and anxiety. It would be so much easier to love everyone if I didn't feel like the need to protect myself from an inherently hostile world.
That leads me down the road of exploring my anxiety. On some level, I do realize that I have an Anxiety Disorder and this means I'm hypersensitive to perceived dangers. The rejection sensitive dysphoria that comes with ADHD spins that anxiety through an interpersonal lens, so I'm constantly on the lookout for rejection. Sometimes, I see rejection where none exists. So, a lot of this anxiety comes from an irrational place, a distinct malfunction of my brain chemistry. It's easy to accept this logically, but in practice it's so much more difficult to manage.
Because rejection does happen. Sometimes you say things that people don't like, or you don't communicate well and misunderstandings happen. Sometimes, it doesn't matter what you do. You'll bounce off people with clashing personalities. It's hard for me to separate an actual, potentially reasonable rejection from a perceived rejection or someone just being a jerk. It all feels like the same thing. So either EVERY perceived rejection is a valid one, or everyone is being really unfair to me all of the time.
That "all-or-nothing" viewpoint is also a function of a malfunctioning brain, I know. And when I step back I can see that most of the time. But when I'm experiencing the rejection, my emotions short-circuit that reasoning part of my brain. So I'm just left with that devastation and panicky feeling, and sometimes I can't help but react from that place. So, friends who do the good-natured ribbing thing or honestly want to give me a mild rebuke have to deal with this outsized reaction from me. That's not a good time for anyone.
It's a difficult thing to accept because anxiety is such a hard emotion to work with in the moment. But apparently facing your fears is the best way to train yourself to deal with it, so in order to get closer to that unreserved love version of myself I need to expose myself to the things that make me anxious and learn to work through them.
That means writing (and showing what I write) more. It means taking more risks with the stories I tell and the way I tell them. It means being gracious about taking feedback and working out what's legitimately constructive vs. what's coming from someone else's deal that has nothing to do with me. It's...hard, but a worthy endeavor for the year. Worry less. Love more. It's a good mantra. :)
