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Fitz and the Freezelings
Nov. 10th, 2020 07:33 am
I am terrified of writing, even now. I've decided to step in to NaNoWriMo this year, albeit a week late, to brute force my way past my 2020 (and lifetime) writer's block. So far I haven't actually written a single word.
It's not the fear of the blank page that's doing it. I've been trying to continue and/or finish "A Bearable Partner" since late October and just haven't been able to do it. I think it's the fear of exposing myself, even to paying readers, to the things I find erotic or my inner thought process in general. Thinking about writing a sex scene, and then publishing it on the Internet, just leaves my mind white with terror.
There are a few different reasons for this, I guess. I'm honestly not very experienced with sex, and I tend to shy away from the topic when it comes up. I think it's mostly because I've beaten my head against a wall with role-play a lot of the time, chasing folks who I'm just not on the same wavelength with. It's made me afraid of broaching the subject with other people, because I really don't want to seem selfish, or desperate, or breach some unspoken rule that shatters the bond that was forming. I'm worried that if *I* do something sexual in nature, the only reaction can be either one of disappointment, or worse, offense. I think that extends to my writing; I'm afraid to explore the sexual desires of my characters for fear of crossing some taboo, somewhere.
This ties back to the emotional walls I've put up against opening up to other people. I can't imagine opening myself up to someone and being rejected for what they see; it's just one of my greatest fears, and I never want it to happen again. But not opening up to anyone ever isn't the way to deal with that. The fear of rejection is so overwhelming for me, that I couldn't have an open discussion about the kinds of stories that personally get me very easily -- something as thorny as sex might be out of the question.
And to get right down to it, I find sex kind of gross. XD I really don't like being licked, there's something about the texture of the human tongue (and the filmy saliva it leaves behind) that just throws me something fierce. I think that happened when I moved out of my mother's house and crashed with a few furries over the summer between college semesters. One of my hosts had crippling OCD about going to the bathroom, but the bathroom was the only clean room in the house. There would be sticky spots beneath the computer desk where he would shoot and just leave it. Feeling one of those spots was not a great feeling, especially once I realized what it was.
I don't blame the guy for my damage; he was kind enough to keep me from being homeless and he was also dealing with his own mental illness. But it really did a number on me, freshly-disowned and walking away from my religious upbringing. I was dealing with the fact that I was gay, living in my first gay household, and reviewing my decision to leave...well, almost everything I had ever known up until then. It was the first time I was molested, which...sounds worse than it is? They were nudists, very sex-positive, and they came on to me pretty directly. It was such a big shock away from what I was used to, where hugs weren't supposed to last too long.
I used to revel in physical contact. I loved touching and being touched, but after that...I developed a strong sense of physical boundaries and I freeze whenever anyone crosses that. It takes work to break that down. Whenever someone makes an advance towards me, it always feels like a threat. Like, my instinctive response is to freeze. I never feel *ready* for it, and I have to swallow down that panic and pretend that I feel anything else.
It feels disingenuous, I suppose, to write about characters with sexual desires when my own are so repressed, nearly stamped out by a fear I can't seem to shake. I had thought writing about sex would make thinking about it -- and eventually doing it -- easier. But the opposite has happened; over time, my hangups about sex, that all-encompassing sense of fear, has grown to infect my writing.
I know I'll need to engage with that if I'm to have a prayer of being successful with NaNoWriMo. So apologies in advance for a lot of sexual psychology musings over the next month. :)
It's not the fear of the blank page that's doing it. I've been trying to continue and/or finish "A Bearable Partner" since late October and just haven't been able to do it. I think it's the fear of exposing myself, even to paying readers, to the things I find erotic or my inner thought process in general. Thinking about writing a sex scene, and then publishing it on the Internet, just leaves my mind white with terror.
There are a few different reasons for this, I guess. I'm honestly not very experienced with sex, and I tend to shy away from the topic when it comes up. I think it's mostly because I've beaten my head against a wall with role-play a lot of the time, chasing folks who I'm just not on the same wavelength with. It's made me afraid of broaching the subject with other people, because I really don't want to seem selfish, or desperate, or breach some unspoken rule that shatters the bond that was forming. I'm worried that if *I* do something sexual in nature, the only reaction can be either one of disappointment, or worse, offense. I think that extends to my writing; I'm afraid to explore the sexual desires of my characters for fear of crossing some taboo, somewhere.
This ties back to the emotional walls I've put up against opening up to other people. I can't imagine opening myself up to someone and being rejected for what they see; it's just one of my greatest fears, and I never want it to happen again. But not opening up to anyone ever isn't the way to deal with that. The fear of rejection is so overwhelming for me, that I couldn't have an open discussion about the kinds of stories that personally get me very easily -- something as thorny as sex might be out of the question.
And to get right down to it, I find sex kind of gross. XD I really don't like being licked, there's something about the texture of the human tongue (and the filmy saliva it leaves behind) that just throws me something fierce. I think that happened when I moved out of my mother's house and crashed with a few furries over the summer between college semesters. One of my hosts had crippling OCD about going to the bathroom, but the bathroom was the only clean room in the house. There would be sticky spots beneath the computer desk where he would shoot and just leave it. Feeling one of those spots was not a great feeling, especially once I realized what it was.
I don't blame the guy for my damage; he was kind enough to keep me from being homeless and he was also dealing with his own mental illness. But it really did a number on me, freshly-disowned and walking away from my religious upbringing. I was dealing with the fact that I was gay, living in my first gay household, and reviewing my decision to leave...well, almost everything I had ever known up until then. It was the first time I was molested, which...sounds worse than it is? They were nudists, very sex-positive, and they came on to me pretty directly. It was such a big shock away from what I was used to, where hugs weren't supposed to last too long.
I used to revel in physical contact. I loved touching and being touched, but after that...I developed a strong sense of physical boundaries and I freeze whenever anyone crosses that. It takes work to break that down. Whenever someone makes an advance towards me, it always feels like a threat. Like, my instinctive response is to freeze. I never feel *ready* for it, and I have to swallow down that panic and pretend that I feel anything else.
It feels disingenuous, I suppose, to write about characters with sexual desires when my own are so repressed, nearly stamped out by a fear I can't seem to shake. I had thought writing about sex would make thinking about it -- and eventually doing it -- easier. But the opposite has happened; over time, my hangups about sex, that all-encompassing sense of fear, has grown to infect my writing.
I know I'll need to engage with that if I'm to have a prayer of being successful with NaNoWriMo. So apologies in advance for a lot of sexual psychology musings over the next month. :)
