![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Puzzle Pieces
Aug. 20th, 2019 10:03 am
I'm still having trouble figuring out how to jump right into it once I wake up, and I think it might be time to accept that I'm not going to be one of those people who can get right up and get shit done. It's going to take a little bit of time to let the brain catch up, and building my to-do list around that might be the best thing to do.
Of course, it also might be a good idea to incorporate a five-minute exercise or something first thing in the morning to get the blood flowing to the brain, and I can mess around with that just to see how it'll work. But I'd really like to be able to focus a bit better with meditation, and the closer to getting up I do it, the more likely it is I drift off and fall asleep. I'm not sure if I'm not getting great sleep, or enough of it, but it's been pretty tough to wake up recently.
I woke up around 6 AM today, for example, and only now am I getting around to actually being productive with the day. Up until now, I did a bit of reading ("The Paradise Snare" by A.C. Crispin; a now non-canon account of Han Solo's past), played a lot of Hearthstone, checked Twitter, the usual. It would be nice to have a bit more discipline so I have more to show for my free time in the mornings, but the fact of the matter is I'm really only starting to come online around 9 AM or so. Those are just the facts.
Udacity promises to be flexible when it comes to working hours, which is a bit of a relief. I think I'll plan to be in the office by 8 AM, which should give me enough time to meditate, write in this journal, and maybe do a bit of reading before I need to make the commute. There's also the possibility of using the Caltrain -- they offer a free GoPass and commuter benefits for taking public transportation, which is rad. I *could* drive down to the Santa Clara station and take the train up to...San Antonio? From there, it's less than a ten-minute walk to work. I'll have to see how long the commute would take, but from here it looks pretty attractive.
I'm still having a bit of trouble maintaining consistent focus, but that's also a process. I'm beginning to wonder just how I should approach ADHD; so much of the time management and productivity advice out there is for folks without executive dysfunction, and a lot of what I've built that way "sort of" works to my experience. But a lot just doesn't, or at least it feels like pushing a square peg through a round hole. At the same time, I don't want to resign myself to being flaky and inconsistent because of my illness. It's hard to tell when to push myself, and when to give myself a bit of a break. I guess this all comes with trial and error.
As my meditation practice deepens, I'm finding it easier to catch myself throughout the day running on auto-pilot and re-focus on the present. What's interesting is that boredom or aversion has become the most reliable trigger for me in that regard. When I find myself wishing that I could dull my senses or disengage from where I am, I immediately start to explore that feeling and why it might be so. I'm not entirely sure why, even now, but I think a lot of it is...the fear of attempting to connect with someone and being rebuffed. Or just not being sure what to say in general. I feel like I'm just not great at socializing, and a lot of that is due to the fact that the two people I interact with most dismiss or deflect a lot of what I say.
It's done a number on my self-esteem, and it feels like that if I try to say what's on my mind it will definitely come out wrong, or that it will be boring, or there's some other reason that the sentiment is best left unexpressed. It's hard for me to speak openly in general, but when it feels like I'm shut down or mocked for being earnest it kind of becomes impossible. I'm really not sure what to do about it, to be honest. I don't think these people are being consciously suppressive. But I also think they don't really have a lot of patience for the interpersonal translation that's sometimes necessary when talking to people. They're in their own head an awful lot.
But at the same time, in order to feel...open and vulnerable, and to really get to know myself, I feel like I need to be able to express myself. And I know that I'm rusty about it, that I don't have a natural flair for it, that it's going to take practice to grab and keep someone's interest. I wish I had someone who was patient enough to dive into that practice with.
Then again, maybe that's why therapy is a thing. :)
At any rate, I'd still like to be more consistent with the things that are important to me: meditating, reading, writing, exercise. I think that's what I'll be working on most through the rest of this month and into September. There are some lessons you can only learn through that sustained and consistent practice. Discovering your voice is one of them; learning how to more freely be yourself is another one of them. And learning what kind of writing you respond to is yet another. With "The Paradise Snare", I find that a lot of the prose is a bit overwritten and details don't quite line up with what's on the page. For example, Han Solo 'thinks' to himself "In five more years I'll be ten", which...what? Does that mean he's five years old now? And he's already thinking about becoming an Imperial Navy officer and arresting the pirate captain forcing him to beg for money? Those...are not thoughts normal five-year-olds have. Even traumatized orphans who existed a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.
It makes me think a lot more about the way *I* write, and how the details you notice have as much bearing on your character as your dialogue. I'll be thinking about how to use that in my serials.
Of course, it also might be a good idea to incorporate a five-minute exercise or something first thing in the morning to get the blood flowing to the brain, and I can mess around with that just to see how it'll work. But I'd really like to be able to focus a bit better with meditation, and the closer to getting up I do it, the more likely it is I drift off and fall asleep. I'm not sure if I'm not getting great sleep, or enough of it, but it's been pretty tough to wake up recently.
I woke up around 6 AM today, for example, and only now am I getting around to actually being productive with the day. Up until now, I did a bit of reading ("The Paradise Snare" by A.C. Crispin; a now non-canon account of Han Solo's past), played a lot of Hearthstone, checked Twitter, the usual. It would be nice to have a bit more discipline so I have more to show for my free time in the mornings, but the fact of the matter is I'm really only starting to come online around 9 AM or so. Those are just the facts.
Udacity promises to be flexible when it comes to working hours, which is a bit of a relief. I think I'll plan to be in the office by 8 AM, which should give me enough time to meditate, write in this journal, and maybe do a bit of reading before I need to make the commute. There's also the possibility of using the Caltrain -- they offer a free GoPass and commuter benefits for taking public transportation, which is rad. I *could* drive down to the Santa Clara station and take the train up to...San Antonio? From there, it's less than a ten-minute walk to work. I'll have to see how long the commute would take, but from here it looks pretty attractive.
I'm still having a bit of trouble maintaining consistent focus, but that's also a process. I'm beginning to wonder just how I should approach ADHD; so much of the time management and productivity advice out there is for folks without executive dysfunction, and a lot of what I've built that way "sort of" works to my experience. But a lot just doesn't, or at least it feels like pushing a square peg through a round hole. At the same time, I don't want to resign myself to being flaky and inconsistent because of my illness. It's hard to tell when to push myself, and when to give myself a bit of a break. I guess this all comes with trial and error.
As my meditation practice deepens, I'm finding it easier to catch myself throughout the day running on auto-pilot and re-focus on the present. What's interesting is that boredom or aversion has become the most reliable trigger for me in that regard. When I find myself wishing that I could dull my senses or disengage from where I am, I immediately start to explore that feeling and why it might be so. I'm not entirely sure why, even now, but I think a lot of it is...the fear of attempting to connect with someone and being rebuffed. Or just not being sure what to say in general. I feel like I'm just not great at socializing, and a lot of that is due to the fact that the two people I interact with most dismiss or deflect a lot of what I say.
It's done a number on my self-esteem, and it feels like that if I try to say what's on my mind it will definitely come out wrong, or that it will be boring, or there's some other reason that the sentiment is best left unexpressed. It's hard for me to speak openly in general, but when it feels like I'm shut down or mocked for being earnest it kind of becomes impossible. I'm really not sure what to do about it, to be honest. I don't think these people are being consciously suppressive. But I also think they don't really have a lot of patience for the interpersonal translation that's sometimes necessary when talking to people. They're in their own head an awful lot.
But at the same time, in order to feel...open and vulnerable, and to really get to know myself, I feel like I need to be able to express myself. And I know that I'm rusty about it, that I don't have a natural flair for it, that it's going to take practice to grab and keep someone's interest. I wish I had someone who was patient enough to dive into that practice with.
Then again, maybe that's why therapy is a thing. :)
At any rate, I'd still like to be more consistent with the things that are important to me: meditating, reading, writing, exercise. I think that's what I'll be working on most through the rest of this month and into September. There are some lessons you can only learn through that sustained and consistent practice. Discovering your voice is one of them; learning how to more freely be yourself is another one of them. And learning what kind of writing you respond to is yet another. With "The Paradise Snare", I find that a lot of the prose is a bit overwritten and details don't quite line up with what's on the page. For example, Han Solo 'thinks' to himself "In five more years I'll be ten", which...what? Does that mean he's five years old now? And he's already thinking about becoming an Imperial Navy officer and arresting the pirate captain forcing him to beg for money? Those...are not thoughts normal five-year-olds have. Even traumatized orphans who existed a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.
It makes me think a lot more about the way *I* write, and how the details you notice have as much bearing on your character as your dialogue. I'll be thinking about how to use that in my serials.
