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A Cloud in the Sky
Jul. 17th, 2019 09:19 am
I'm beginning to wonder if I'm in a depression, but just can't recognize it because the Prozac is holding. I know how that sounds, so let me explain. One of the biggest symptoms of depression (in fact, what people confuse as the ONLY symptom) is the low mood. But there are a lot of other symptoms -- lack of interest in the usual things you like, or an inability to concentrate, or disruptions in sleep patterns. It feels like there are a few other things going on with me but my mood is fine. Maybe there's some kind of unacknowledged anxiety or something?
That's the trouble with mental illness, especially when you have a few different conditions each with their wide-ranging symptoms. Your shifting moods become this weird guessing game of "Is this brain chemistry, or just a regular-ass mood?" What I've typically found is that my mental illness affects the 'climate' of my brain, but not the 'weather'. Still, I'm in uncharted territory, life-wise. It's been a long time since I've been unemployed for any stretch of time, and this is my first time as a corporate professional.
It's very important to rely on the coping mechanisms I know work right now -- meditation, cognitive therapy practice, good sleep, hygiene, exercise and diet. One of the big reasons I've wanted to focus on creating a productive routine is that it will help resist that siren's call by keeping me busy with work that I find personally important and fulfilling. And during days where I'm able to pull that off, I do feel better.
One of the things tripping me up is my complete inability to gauge how much time things take. For example, I'll allot two hours for the job hunt, but actually applying to different jobs take a lot longer than that. Suddenly I've spent like three-four hours on a job hunt, I'm feeling a bit maudlin about my prospects and abilities, and I just want to kind of...check out for the rest of the day. It's harder to sit down at the computer after lunch and dig in to study or writing or reading. But that's precisely what I need to do in order to build the momentum I'd like.
I'm thinking that I might want to back off on one or two things until each piece of the routine is a bit more stable. Meditation feels relatively settled in, so I should focus on making sure that I apply to at least two positions a day consistently this week in order to start applying that hunt as regular practice. Then, when that feels a bit more natural, turn my focus to making sure that writing happens every day. I'd still try to do everything every day, but those are top priority.
Lunch with K. went pretty well, actually. I talked about my dismissal from 23andMe and all that I've learned through it, and how I'm using the experience to become a better person and worker. We also talked about how efficient the human brain can be at self-deception; it really is fascinating how our own models of the world can create filters that reinforce whatever terrible things we think or self-destructive behaviors we indulge in. It takes real work to keep ourselves honest, and it can be a really unpleasant surprise to discover a blind spot or unconscious, faulty model that's causing us trouble.
I talked a bit about my upbringing and it brought a few things into focus. My mother was very strict and generally unhappy. She was also a big fan of corporal punishment. As a sensitive kid, I learned how to read the mood of a room quite well because a bad mood meant imminent danger. I've carried that with me to adulthood, so any whiff of pain, disapproval, or sadness throws me into a kind of 'fight or flight' where I have to resolve the mood or just be elsewhere. Unhappiness in someone else is painful for me.
But this model -- "If anyone around me is unhappy I have to fix it or something bad will happen" -- is not necessarily helping me at this point. At least, it doesn't lead me to make mindful decisions based on an accurate read of what's going on. So recognizing the instinctive response built on this faulty model can help me to check it and replace it with a more accurate one. Hopefully, one that actually centers compassion and a desire to alleviate suffering in others -- not just myself. Recognizing the way that unhappiness in others triggers unhappiness in *me* allows me to acknowledge my own suffering, then set it aside to deal with the situation as it is.
Today, the focus will be on the job hunt, cleaning, and a bit of writing. The Patreon episode is basically done, and I'll start in on the next one as soon as that's tied up. But I'll also need to chat with a couple of people about the best way to build a portfolio and apply for content writer positions.
That's the trouble with mental illness, especially when you have a few different conditions each with their wide-ranging symptoms. Your shifting moods become this weird guessing game of "Is this brain chemistry, or just a regular-ass mood?" What I've typically found is that my mental illness affects the 'climate' of my brain, but not the 'weather'. Still, I'm in uncharted territory, life-wise. It's been a long time since I've been unemployed for any stretch of time, and this is my first time as a corporate professional.
It's very important to rely on the coping mechanisms I know work right now -- meditation, cognitive therapy practice, good sleep, hygiene, exercise and diet. One of the big reasons I've wanted to focus on creating a productive routine is that it will help resist that siren's call by keeping me busy with work that I find personally important and fulfilling. And during days where I'm able to pull that off, I do feel better.
One of the things tripping me up is my complete inability to gauge how much time things take. For example, I'll allot two hours for the job hunt, but actually applying to different jobs take a lot longer than that. Suddenly I've spent like three-four hours on a job hunt, I'm feeling a bit maudlin about my prospects and abilities, and I just want to kind of...check out for the rest of the day. It's harder to sit down at the computer after lunch and dig in to study or writing or reading. But that's precisely what I need to do in order to build the momentum I'd like.
I'm thinking that I might want to back off on one or two things until each piece of the routine is a bit more stable. Meditation feels relatively settled in, so I should focus on making sure that I apply to at least two positions a day consistently this week in order to start applying that hunt as regular practice. Then, when that feels a bit more natural, turn my focus to making sure that writing happens every day. I'd still try to do everything every day, but those are top priority.
Lunch with K. went pretty well, actually. I talked about my dismissal from 23andMe and all that I've learned through it, and how I'm using the experience to become a better person and worker. We also talked about how efficient the human brain can be at self-deception; it really is fascinating how our own models of the world can create filters that reinforce whatever terrible things we think or self-destructive behaviors we indulge in. It takes real work to keep ourselves honest, and it can be a really unpleasant surprise to discover a blind spot or unconscious, faulty model that's causing us trouble.
I talked a bit about my upbringing and it brought a few things into focus. My mother was very strict and generally unhappy. She was also a big fan of corporal punishment. As a sensitive kid, I learned how to read the mood of a room quite well because a bad mood meant imminent danger. I've carried that with me to adulthood, so any whiff of pain, disapproval, or sadness throws me into a kind of 'fight or flight' where I have to resolve the mood or just be elsewhere. Unhappiness in someone else is painful for me.
But this model -- "If anyone around me is unhappy I have to fix it or something bad will happen" -- is not necessarily helping me at this point. At least, it doesn't lead me to make mindful decisions based on an accurate read of what's going on. So recognizing the instinctive response built on this faulty model can help me to check it and replace it with a more accurate one. Hopefully, one that actually centers compassion and a desire to alleviate suffering in others -- not just myself. Recognizing the way that unhappiness in others triggers unhappiness in *me* allows me to acknowledge my own suffering, then set it aside to deal with the situation as it is.
Today, the focus will be on the job hunt, cleaning, and a bit of writing. The Patreon episode is basically done, and I'll start in on the next one as soon as that's tied up. But I'll also need to chat with a couple of people about the best way to build a portfolio and apply for content writer positions.
