![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Show Up Every Day
Jul. 9th, 2019 08:32 am
I did nearly everything I wanted to do yesterday! I spent an hour writing "Crushing The Competition", reading "Brave New World", studying the "Mindshift" course, and I got in a three mile run for good measure. I even tried sharpening my chef's knives with a whetstone and cooked dinner for the writing group! All in all, nice and productive.
That means trying not to break the chain today, and that's the difficult part about this -- consistency. There's always some reason to just slack off for a day or two or three. It could be an unexpected call from Mom that carries its own bombshell, or the Coursera rejection that I'm trying to brace for, or a sudden mood crash that comes out of nowhere and saps my motivation. These things always seem to happen when my habits are just babies, nowhere near robust enough to handle the chill of depression or the predators of time that always come sniffing around. It's rolling with the unexpected and showing up anyway that gives me trouble.
I've never been sure how to handle these things. I wish I were a bit more resilient when it comes to the unexpected, but to be honest it really doesn't take much to throw me for a loop. It's a bit of a downer to say this, but it takes more energy than I think finding a reason to be motivated and I think that's a good bit of the problem. When I stop to think about what's happening in the world -- how we're crashing our environment while denying the reality of that, or how the US seems to be turning into a proto-fascist state -- it's hard to feel like what I'm trying to do even matters.
It feels like I'm not built for a hostile world, but...of course I am. I was born to a hostile world. I was raised in an environment where my survival was not a guarantee. I've survived so much already. I know, deep down, that I have an incredible strength to summon up when I need it. But on the flipside, I know there's always a chance some significant blow can ruin me past the hope of recovery. Mental illness is always that wolf in the dark, waiting for the chance to seize my throat.
And it scares me to have that Sword of Damocles hanging over me. So much of what I'm doing now is actually strengthening the horse's hair, right? The meditation, the cultivation of a learning attitude/growth mindset, the writing, the reading...the reason I'm doing all of this is to give myself the best possible chance against all the troubles of the world.
So, there we go. Today I'll be focusing on getting better organized about my job search. I found an Excel template that I had been using for a while, but I don't really like it and I know I can do better. Partly, there's information for unemployment benefits that I want to make sure I'm capturing whenever I apply. But I also want a more-or-less permanent record of where I've applied and what happened with each. Just for my own edification, I'd also like to include info on whether I've submitted a cover letter and references to various positions as well.
Beyond that, more work on "Crushing The Competition", "Brave New World", and "Mindshift". Ryan'll be heading out to the gym this evening, and I think I'll use that time to walk around the neighborhood and collect Pokemon. :)
That means trying not to break the chain today, and that's the difficult part about this -- consistency. There's always some reason to just slack off for a day or two or three. It could be an unexpected call from Mom that carries its own bombshell, or the Coursera rejection that I'm trying to brace for, or a sudden mood crash that comes out of nowhere and saps my motivation. These things always seem to happen when my habits are just babies, nowhere near robust enough to handle the chill of depression or the predators of time that always come sniffing around. It's rolling with the unexpected and showing up anyway that gives me trouble.
I've never been sure how to handle these things. I wish I were a bit more resilient when it comes to the unexpected, but to be honest it really doesn't take much to throw me for a loop. It's a bit of a downer to say this, but it takes more energy than I think finding a reason to be motivated and I think that's a good bit of the problem. When I stop to think about what's happening in the world -- how we're crashing our environment while denying the reality of that, or how the US seems to be turning into a proto-fascist state -- it's hard to feel like what I'm trying to do even matters.
It feels like I'm not built for a hostile world, but...of course I am. I was born to a hostile world. I was raised in an environment where my survival was not a guarantee. I've survived so much already. I know, deep down, that I have an incredible strength to summon up when I need it. But on the flipside, I know there's always a chance some significant blow can ruin me past the hope of recovery. Mental illness is always that wolf in the dark, waiting for the chance to seize my throat.
And it scares me to have that Sword of Damocles hanging over me. So much of what I'm doing now is actually strengthening the horse's hair, right? The meditation, the cultivation of a learning attitude/growth mindset, the writing, the reading...the reason I'm doing all of this is to give myself the best possible chance against all the troubles of the world.
So, there we go. Today I'll be focusing on getting better organized about my job search. I found an Excel template that I had been using for a while, but I don't really like it and I know I can do better. Partly, there's information for unemployment benefits that I want to make sure I'm capturing whenever I apply. But I also want a more-or-less permanent record of where I've applied and what happened with each. Just for my own edification, I'd also like to include info on whether I've submitted a cover letter and references to various positions as well.
Beyond that, more work on "Crushing The Competition", "Brave New World", and "Mindshift". Ryan'll be heading out to the gym this evening, and I think I'll use that time to walk around the neighborhood and collect Pokemon. :)
