I'm Sad That I'm Sleepy

It amazes me how missing a few hours of sleep can completely wreck things. The thoughts running through my head for hours are all about how boring and awful and completely unlovable I am. This isn't true of course, so on one level I can disconnect and watch my brain in its little wheel.

But on another level I know that I'm on this miserable little run and I can't seem to get out of it. It's just this moment, and it'll pass, but God it sucks while I'm in it.

I've been all but paralyzed by self-esteem issues for several months now. When I'm with friends I'd rather not say anything because I worry that anything I could possibly say would just sound really stupid and inane, and when I get up the courage to say it I end up stuttering or tripping over my words in my hurry to get it out and get things over with. I can't think of anything to say to people online because I'm constantly worried that I'm going to end up saying the wrong thing. So, I become boring and awful and nobody wants to talk to me, thus confirming the original view. It's a vicious cycle.

I really want off this ride.