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You Do It To Yourself, You Do
Jan. 11th, 2006 04:33 pm
I'll be completely honest with you: the past week and a half? Very stressful.
I think I've been trying too hard to keep up with things without, you know, bothering to address the slightly nagging issues of time management and focus. With NaPoeWriMo in full swing, a vacationing coworker at work, running a D+D game, playing in a W:tA game, trying to get myself together enough to make a run a GWO, and the ever-present friend and family tension, it's been...a hell of a time. My disorientation and discontent has been manifesting itself in shortness with friends and coworkers, really enormous attacks of spacing-out when dealing with people and the unfortunate habit of turning into a vegetable whenever I have free time. Oh, and the little issue of a severe dip in confidence and self-esteem.
There's a lot on my mind, and I won't go into all of it here. I've woken up to the fact that I need to get my head screwed on straight to have any hope of managing everything, so I'll be taking steps to deal with that. One of the things that I've been meaning to talk about, though, is how I'm doing with role-play.
On the whole, I see myself as a fantastically boring RPer. This isn't a ploy for reassurance, mind you; this is honest-to-God introspection. ;) I've settled into a comfort zone with people and ideas that I like to play around with, and it's getting increasingly difficult to break out of them. I really don't like to assert myself with much in the way of character or habits or backstory, because it feels too much like competition. Online, I see so many people with so much 'attitude' in their characters and anything I'd do seems like a blatant act of attention-whoring. Which, at this point, it might be necessary to pull off in order to attract attention. But even still, it's not that I don't have interested parties; it's that I never capitalize on the interest and follow through with something concrete and dynamic and interesting. It's always vague teasing and half-assed presentations.
In RL, I've been sticking to playing characters whose mindsets I find interesting or preferrable to other things. I'm not interested in mages, I dislike the tactics used by thieves, I like my characters to be plain and open. Lucas, in Odis' game, is rather simple on the surface but there's a lot of grief and bewilderment and anger simmering under all of that. He's impatient and moody and he shies away from things he doesn't understand (which includes the other members of the party, at times). It's interesting to play him because he's such a child in so many ways, but he has this power that allows him to 'act out' if he so chooses. He's managed to control those impulses, and he's wisened up quite a bit, and even if he is gruff and quiet and insular, he's...well-adjusted. Dan, in Arlekin's game, is almost as simple (he and Lucas are both werebears, which should be telling). He's zealous about his supposed purpose in the world (which is to save it) and he's constantly driven by a need to find new and interesting ways to do that. I wish I could devote a lot more attention to his LiveJournal, but the issue of posting the way I'd like to has gotten so thorny and difficult there doesn't seem to be a way to do it without getting everyone in-game into serious trouble. But that's another story...
Both online and off, while I'm comfortable with the way my characters are presented, I'm feeling that I'm not 'upholding my end of the bargain,' by being interesting or rich or well-realized. I'm not even *fun*. Part of it is the awkwardness of trying to get other people interested (which admittedly I've never been good at), and part of it is just my nature; I don't *like* showboating and doing things to purposefully draw attention to myself. I'd much rather be more private about who I am and what I do. I like the idea of understated power and confidence, of not existing *because* of whatever strength you might have but existing with it. It's just a tool, but how does that affect you, you know...in other ways? One of the reasons I've picked two werebears to play in two different campaigns is the mythology of the werebear calls for this kind of exploration. Great, intense power, coupled with introspective and inherently shy demeanors. That archetype appeals to me.
But, does it appeal to anyone else?
One of the things I'd like to do is try and break out of my box a little, both in my W:tA and Eberron games, and online. Dan is entering his 'warrior' phase, so maybe having him revel in his physical size (which is something I as a player do, anyway) might make sense. Online, maybe trying to capitalize on general interest generated by my characters might be a good exercise. I'm almost certain I'll fall flat on my face a few times before I get it right, but well...you have to in order to learn.
Anyway, I'm at work and should be at the desk, so off I go.
I think I've been trying too hard to keep up with things without, you know, bothering to address the slightly nagging issues of time management and focus. With NaPoeWriMo in full swing, a vacationing coworker at work, running a D+D game, playing in a W:tA game, trying to get myself together enough to make a run a GWO, and the ever-present friend and family tension, it's been...a hell of a time. My disorientation and discontent has been manifesting itself in shortness with friends and coworkers, really enormous attacks of spacing-out when dealing with people and the unfortunate habit of turning into a vegetable whenever I have free time. Oh, and the little issue of a severe dip in confidence and self-esteem.
There's a lot on my mind, and I won't go into all of it here. I've woken up to the fact that I need to get my head screwed on straight to have any hope of managing everything, so I'll be taking steps to deal with that. One of the things that I've been meaning to talk about, though, is how I'm doing with role-play.
On the whole, I see myself as a fantastically boring RPer. This isn't a ploy for reassurance, mind you; this is honest-to-God introspection. ;) I've settled into a comfort zone with people and ideas that I like to play around with, and it's getting increasingly difficult to break out of them. I really don't like to assert myself with much in the way of character or habits or backstory, because it feels too much like competition. Online, I see so many people with so much 'attitude' in their characters and anything I'd do seems like a blatant act of attention-whoring. Which, at this point, it might be necessary to pull off in order to attract attention. But even still, it's not that I don't have interested parties; it's that I never capitalize on the interest and follow through with something concrete and dynamic and interesting. It's always vague teasing and half-assed presentations.
In RL, I've been sticking to playing characters whose mindsets I find interesting or preferrable to other things. I'm not interested in mages, I dislike the tactics used by thieves, I like my characters to be plain and open. Lucas, in Odis' game, is rather simple on the surface but there's a lot of grief and bewilderment and anger simmering under all of that. He's impatient and moody and he shies away from things he doesn't understand (which includes the other members of the party, at times). It's interesting to play him because he's such a child in so many ways, but he has this power that allows him to 'act out' if he so chooses. He's managed to control those impulses, and he's wisened up quite a bit, and even if he is gruff and quiet and insular, he's...well-adjusted. Dan, in Arlekin's game, is almost as simple (he and Lucas are both werebears, which should be telling). He's zealous about his supposed purpose in the world (which is to save it) and he's constantly driven by a need to find new and interesting ways to do that. I wish I could devote a lot more attention to his LiveJournal, but the issue of posting the way I'd like to has gotten so thorny and difficult there doesn't seem to be a way to do it without getting everyone in-game into serious trouble. But that's another story...
Both online and off, while I'm comfortable with the way my characters are presented, I'm feeling that I'm not 'upholding my end of the bargain,' by being interesting or rich or well-realized. I'm not even *fun*. Part of it is the awkwardness of trying to get other people interested (which admittedly I've never been good at), and part of it is just my nature; I don't *like* showboating and doing things to purposefully draw attention to myself. I'd much rather be more private about who I am and what I do. I like the idea of understated power and confidence, of not existing *because* of whatever strength you might have but existing with it. It's just a tool, but how does that affect you, you know...in other ways? One of the reasons I've picked two werebears to play in two different campaigns is the mythology of the werebear calls for this kind of exploration. Great, intense power, coupled with introspective and inherently shy demeanors. That archetype appeals to me.
But, does it appeal to anyone else?
One of the things I'd like to do is try and break out of my box a little, both in my W:tA and Eberron games, and online. Dan is entering his 'warrior' phase, so maybe having him revel in his physical size (which is something I as a player do, anyway) might make sense. Online, maybe trying to capitalize on general interest generated by my characters might be a good exercise. I'm almost certain I'll fall flat on my face a few times before I get it right, but well...you have to in order to learn.
Anyway, I'm at work and should be at the desk, so off I go.
