Day One

To lazarusrat, toob and ottsel, I slipped up before I knew what I was doing (and it felt so good), so I'm knocked back down to Day One. Ah well, it's a new moon, I couldn't have timed it better as far as new beginnings go.

Spring is definitely upon us.

There were a lot of things I wanted to put here for the past couple of days, and most of them had something to do with rabbits, the difference between phobias and phobias, my irrational fear of deep water, Charlie, Boone and Locke from Lost, and my newfound attraction to the giant panda, brought on mainly by the April's Fool joke for World of Warcraft. Hmmm. He can serve me Chinese food any time. (I mean that in a strictly platonic way.)

Since Rabbit has been teaching me mostly to drag my fears out into the open and deal with them directly, I've learned quite a few things. Namely, how important respect is to me. I've always had a pretty basic grasp that I dug respect quite a bit, but I didn't get that it was so...fundamental towards my dealings with people. Almost every instance of being offended can be traced back to me feeling disrespected in some way. It's just one of those things I take personally by default.

Often in my life, I play the scapegoat, or straight man, or butt of the joke. I honestly don't really mind this; it helps people drag things out that need to be talked about. I'm really happy that so many of my friends feel like they can talk about race seriously and openly with me, partly because I have such a great sense of humor about it (buffs nails). I think it's important to establish a dialogue for people to get frustrations, worries and guilt off their chest.

At work, I'm blamed (mostly jokingly) for problems. If Charles is in a bad mood, I'm the guy he vents on. At the same time, though, he's done things for me that I'm almost sure he hasn't done for anyone else; given me clothes, offered me money when the Mom situation blew up and got really bad for a while, worries obsessively when I call in sick. Once he even called when I was working late just to get me to look at the sunset outside. I don't have any doubts that there's a lot of love and respect there, even when we're screaming at each other or I think he's being unfair.

I like being the guy people come to. Oftentimes, that means being viewed as benign or harmless enough to feel that people can let their guard down. This is the advantage of being generally viewed as powerless. You get to do your stuff when people think there's absolutely nothing going on. Get under the skin and work deep with a word or two at the right time. It's not obvious, it's not quick, but with patience and gentleness you can work real change with people.

On my best days, when I feel like I'm actually living up to this principle, I'm very proud of myself and my station. Most people can think that I'm a doormat, or capable of doing nothing big, and that's fine. I know myself and what I can do. The bottom line is I respect myself and I guess I expect people to respect me, even when they're treating me low. The moment I actually feel there's no respect there, I get offended.

Hmmm. I'm not really sure how this might sound to other people. "I take all kinds of abuse from people, and I'm proud of it!" But that's the gist of it. Beat me up, then tell me why. That's how we get stuff worked out.

Friday Five

Today's Friday Five was particularly good, so I decided to use it. It was either this or the Unitarian Jihad meme that's been making the rounds. Great enough, it is, to avoid risking over-exposure.

1. What is the one book that you reread over and over again?

The Wind in the Willows, by Kenneth Grahamme. To me, the shining example of friendship, love of nature, acceptance of quirks tempered with...well, the expectation to behave like a Civilized Animal. And ratties. :) I just never get tired of it, not now, not ever.

2. What is your favourite genre?

I don't really have a favorite genre of book, but there's typically a theme throughout genres that I resonate with more than anything: self-discovery. It can pop up in anything from Demian by Hermann Hesse to Breakfast of Champions by Kurt Vonnegut to Tamsin by Peter Beagle. I love it when the Hero's Journey forces people to recognize aspects and traits of themselves they never had before, and I'll walk down that road with myriad characters time and time again.

3. Do you usually buy your books or visit the library?

I work in a bookstore. I'd *better* by my books. :)

4. Who is your favourite author?

Changes depending on mood. I'll give a listing of five: Peter Beagle, Ray Bradbury, Kurt Vonnegut, Robert Aitken and Hermann Hesse.

5. What book have you read that you absolutely hated?

Black Boy and Native Son by Richard Wright. This might have been tempered by my rebellious "I don't want to read *that*" phase in high school, but I do believe that Wright is probably one of the most bitter and hateful people to come out of the Harlem Renaissance. He's pretty much the predecessor to a lot of black leaders in this country today, who would rather bitch and moan about there not being enough black people on TV than work to get drugs out of inner-city neighborhoods. That kind of thing. Don't get me wrong, the problems and attitudes he railed against were there, but his "Fuck the white devil." message is really going to help repair race relations, I'm sure.

If you want a better book about black life in the 30s and 40s, read Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison. Much better, trust me.