To
lazarusrat,
toob and
ottsel, I slipped up before I knew what I was doing (and it felt so good), so I'm knocked back down to Day One. Ah well, it's a new moon, I couldn't have timed it better as far as new beginnings go.
Spring is definitely upon us.
There were a lot of things I wanted to put here for the past couple of days, and most of them had something to do with rabbits, the difference between phobias and phobias, my irrational fear of deep water, Charlie, Boone and Locke from Lost, and my newfound attraction to the giant panda, brought on mainly by the April's Fool joke for World of Warcraft. Hmmm. He can serve me Chinese food any time. (I mean that in a strictly platonic way.)
Since Rabbit has been teaching me mostly to drag my fears out into the open and deal with them directly, I've learned quite a few things. Namely, how important respect is to me. I've always had a pretty basic grasp that I dug respect quite a bit, but I didn't get that it was so...fundamental towards my dealings with people. Almost every instance of being offended can be traced back to me feeling disrespected in some way. It's just one of those things I take personally by default.
Often in my life, I play the scapegoat, or straight man, or butt of the joke. I honestly don't really mind this; it helps people drag things out that need to be talked about. I'm really happy that so many of my friends feel like they can talk about race seriously and openly with me, partly because I have such a great sense of humor about it (buffs nails). I think it's important to establish a dialogue for people to get frustrations, worries and guilt off their chest.
At work, I'm blamed (mostly jokingly) for problems. If Charles is in a bad mood, I'm the guy he vents on. At the same time, though, he's done things for me that I'm almost sure he hasn't done for anyone else; given me clothes, offered me money when the Mom situation blew up and got really bad for a while, worries obsessively when I call in sick. Once he even called when I was working late just to get me to look at the sunset outside. I don't have any doubts that there's a lot of love and respect there, even when we're screaming at each other or I think he's being unfair.
I like being the guy people come to. Oftentimes, that means being viewed as benign or harmless enough to feel that people can let their guard down. This is the advantage of being generally viewed as powerless. You get to do your stuff when people think there's absolutely nothing going on. Get under the skin and work deep with a word or two at the right time. It's not obvious, it's not quick, but with patience and gentleness you can work real change with people.
On my best days, when I feel like I'm actually living up to this principle, I'm very proud of myself and my station. Most people can think that I'm a doormat, or capable of doing nothing big, and that's fine. I know myself and what I can do. The bottom line is I respect myself and I guess I expect people to respect me, even when they're treating me low. The moment I actually feel there's no respect there, I get offended.
Hmmm. I'm not really sure how this might sound to other people. "I take all kinds of abuse from people, and I'm proud of it!" But that's the gist of it. Beat me up, then tell me why. That's how we get stuff worked out.
![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
Spring is definitely upon us.
There were a lot of things I wanted to put here for the past couple of days, and most of them had something to do with rabbits, the difference between phobias and phobias, my irrational fear of deep water, Charlie, Boone and Locke from Lost, and my newfound attraction to the giant panda, brought on mainly by the April's Fool joke for World of Warcraft. Hmmm. He can serve me Chinese food any time. (I mean that in a strictly platonic way.)
Since Rabbit has been teaching me mostly to drag my fears out into the open and deal with them directly, I've learned quite a few things. Namely, how important respect is to me. I've always had a pretty basic grasp that I dug respect quite a bit, but I didn't get that it was so...fundamental towards my dealings with people. Almost every instance of being offended can be traced back to me feeling disrespected in some way. It's just one of those things I take personally by default.
Often in my life, I play the scapegoat, or straight man, or butt of the joke. I honestly don't really mind this; it helps people drag things out that need to be talked about. I'm really happy that so many of my friends feel like they can talk about race seriously and openly with me, partly because I have such a great sense of humor about it (buffs nails). I think it's important to establish a dialogue for people to get frustrations, worries and guilt off their chest.
At work, I'm blamed (mostly jokingly) for problems. If Charles is in a bad mood, I'm the guy he vents on. At the same time, though, he's done things for me that I'm almost sure he hasn't done for anyone else; given me clothes, offered me money when the Mom situation blew up and got really bad for a while, worries obsessively when I call in sick. Once he even called when I was working late just to get me to look at the sunset outside. I don't have any doubts that there's a lot of love and respect there, even when we're screaming at each other or I think he's being unfair.
I like being the guy people come to. Oftentimes, that means being viewed as benign or harmless enough to feel that people can let their guard down. This is the advantage of being generally viewed as powerless. You get to do your stuff when people think there's absolutely nothing going on. Get under the skin and work deep with a word or two at the right time. It's not obvious, it's not quick, but with patience and gentleness you can work real change with people.
On my best days, when I feel like I'm actually living up to this principle, I'm very proud of myself and my station. Most people can think that I'm a doormat, or capable of doing nothing big, and that's fine. I know myself and what I can do. The bottom line is I respect myself and I guess I expect people to respect me, even when they're treating me low. The moment I actually feel there's no respect there, I get offended.
Hmmm. I'm not really sure how this might sound to other people. "I take all kinds of abuse from people, and I'm proud of it!" But that's the gist of it. Beat me up, then tell me why. That's how we get stuff worked out.