Life Gets Away

So I've been doing quite a bit of thinking about exactly what happened this time to get me into such an oogy depressive state. I'm still not sure how to say it, or organize it in any meaningful way. Most of it just boils down to the way I deal with people and relationships.

It's kind of hard for me to talk to people. I don't know why, but most of the time conversations kind of leave me drained in some way or another, and I just kind of need quiet time to recharge. This has been becoming more and more pronounced the older I get. It's not that I don't enjoy company; in fact I really relish the chance just to be near the people I care about. But even with them I'm starting to get really tight-lipped. Nonverbal communication is becoming this big thing for me; I can only think of two or three people where it'd be possible to just spend the entire day not saying anything but you know, being cool with that. Watching movies or TV, laughing, reading together, lying together...bonding in a way that transcends talking. Jim Carrey says this in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and it hit me in a really good way: "Constantly talking doesn't necessarily mean communicating." I'm sure I'm ad-libbing but that's the gist of it.

Anyway, I guess what I mean is that I'm reverting back to the introversion that I had when I was a kid. This time, though, I'm aware of it and a lot more comfortable. It isn't really a flaw: I mean, it does cause trouble in its own ways, but that I can navigate and deal with given time. Where it really proves damaging is on-line, because, well, everything's *based* on verbal communication, and often times I find myself being kind of distant and aloof with people without really meaning to. I can think of this big laundry list full of people who probably see me as unfailingly polite or 'nice,' but distant...more than they'd like. It's just hard to talk about things that interest me, I guess, because I can't see them as being particularly valued by anyone but me. If I were to talk about thoughts that pop into my head, or experiences that stick with me, they'd be these great shaggy dog stories that don't really lead anywhere and I'm pretty sure most people would just go..."OK." and give me this slightly uncomfortable stare that meant I went a few notches towards 'too weird'. So I tend not to say too much these days, but I'm getting better and better at listening. :)

Lately I've been addressing the 'issue' of folks who seem to not be too interested in talking that much to me. There are a lot of people who I'm on more-or-less good terms with but we never talk about too much because of various reasons...usually we share like, one or two common interests but they've got their lives to lead and it's not really enough to establish more than a mutual admiration from a distance thing. ;) I'm pretty cool with that I think, though if the opportunity presented itself for a full-blown friendship I'd jump on it. Most of the folks at say, macrophile.com fall into this category: great bunch of guys and gals, but I don't expect too much closeness. I have to admit that I can be *awfully* boring, even when I'm being 'kinky'. :D

What's been troubling me lately is the fact that there's been this steady string of people for a month or two now that I've been pouring energy into, really caring about, giving what I can, and it just doesn't seem to get noticed that this is a big deal for me. That trying to talk or communicate is getting progressively more precious, and that when I put in the effort how much it means for me. I think I'm *finally* beginning to understand where Dellway's coming from; even trying to make conversation is an expenditure of effort. It seems difficult to fathom for most people how simply talking can be this big deal, but...it is. I do remember shaterri pointing to an article about understanding introverted people, I'll have to link to it if I can dig it up.

I've been increasingly frustrated by the steady procession of people I've been trying to talk to and who seem to not be too willing to accomodate. I pour and I pour and I pour, and after a while I pare down the list of people I'm giving to, and somehow I end up exhausted, lonely and only talking to three or four people who aren't on-line too often when I am. I don't really talk to anyone outside of my few online contacts, and I'm not quite sure what that means. ;) Most folks I'm close to around these parts love talking a *lot* and even when they're making a concerted effort to listen...they aren't. ;) It's not a flaw or something I hate about them, it's just the way they are. They talk, I listen. It's a pretty comfortable dynamic for me and one I've settled into well.

It occured to me over this past week that I don't really *know* what I want from people when I'm seeking companionship. And that I'm probably so focused on this intangible something I might not be recognizing when people are giving of themselves to *me*. Seph and Fritzie *immediately* come to mind, and I always feel a slight pang of guilt with how I treat (or don't treat) them. But there was also Cnipur, who's eventual unfriending got me to thinking about that; he made several overtures to being open to talking when I made posts that translated roughly into "I'm lonely." and I never took him up on it. It sort of forced me to open my eyes and think about whether or not I was doing the same thing I was bitching about to other people.

Basically, I came to a point where I'm just...emotionally exhausted. I don't have anything to give, and I hate that feeling most of all. I've since recovered, but every once in a while, I just sort of crash and stop giving a shit about people. And that's where I've been for the better part of a week, and I really start hating myself then and blah blah blah. I haven't quite yet figured out how to change that, or even incorporate it properly into my idea of who I am. But it's there.

Anyway, I'm introverted, and growing more so. But I still like talking to people. So if I seem quiet or distant or otherwise unsatisfying, I'm sorry.

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