My Family Thinks I'm This Gigantic Loser

Well, not really, but recently a lot of friends have been crying "hippie" in my general direction. For some reason, I find this classification pretty amusing because I totally don't see myself as a hippy. I'm not really sure what I am; perhaps an amalgamation of all kinds of different genres...one part boho, one part grunge, one part indie, one part wallflower, mix, add grumpy loner until mocha chocolate and serve within 15 minutes. Anyway, I think it's mainly because I like tea and inscence. And talk about Zen a lot.

I've been riding this very...gentle slide into a sort of melancholy for the past several days; people who are chronically depressed know the kind. There's this slow-burning feeling that something's off that grows and grows, nagging at you until you have a face to give it, sort of like saying the boogieman you're afraid of is really the hatrack only it isn't. Anyway, I think this will be my boogieman this go-round. No matter how optimistic I might be, I've been afflicted with this feeling that the world's at its pinnacle right now, and that we're too enamored with the view to notice that our sled is starting to be affected by gravity. It depresses me to think that in my lifetime wars will be fought over food and water, that many, many people will die, that disease and scarcity will cause you and me to do things we'd consider abhorrent now. All because we'd rather pay attention to Janet Jackson's boob or who Carrie picks on "Sex and the City." Doesn't that strike you as slightly insane?

This question has been nagging at me for the past few days: "What can I do?" I don't relish the idea of being a tree-hugging, gospel-preaching vegan asshat, but the need for action has hit me with increasing urgency. I need to become socially applied *now*.

Even then, it's times like these when you become painfully aware of the sea of apathy we all wade in. It's just...depressing to think that no one cares about where we're all going to end up if the current means of consumption continues unchanged. Any talk about it gets you branded as a doomsdayer, a kook, a tubthumper, a self-righteous liberal asshole. Yeah, granted, PETA and Greenpeace are largely self-aggrandizing fuck ups, but that doesn't stop the issue from being any more *real*. So what do you do? The need's hitting me really hard, I just don't know where to begin. Toss money at some charitable organization? Start outfitting my car to run on used cooking oil? Build an ecofriendly home somewhere in the Ozarks? Recycle? What's effective? What's a waste of time? What's the best way to help other people see the necessity of this?

I just need to sit down, dig my heels in, cut through the bullshit and figure it out. I don't mean to whine, if that's in fact what I'm doing, but this has been my mental state for the past few days.

In the meantime, I've been reading a pretty good basic philosophy book. It's interesting, but I don't have a whole lot to say about it. Best to let some things marinate.

Talked to a fellow who'd been living in Australia for the past year or two when he visited the Bookshop yesterday, and got some pretty good pointers on what the immigration/visa/tourist bit is like over there. Like I suspected, they're fairly relaxed about it as long as you have your ducks in a row; the money I have planned to save for the trip should be more than enough for how long I'm staying over there. It's a shame that half of it's going to be eaten by the plane ticket. :P

I also, erm, got a splinter right under the ring finger of my left hand yesterday. It hurts. Every time I type or pull books it reminds me it's there. I think it's a lonely little piece of wood; it attacked me from the deepest corners of the cashier's desk, and has probably wanted to talk to someone for ages. Well, it's talking to me now. :P

I bought a lot of books and other presents for folks, but I won't have the money to actually *mail* them until...oh, maybe the end of March. :P Rent sucks pretty badly this month, and the big tax return I was banking on doesn't look like it's going to show, so I'm going to be in abject poverty for a while yet. I think that's another reason my mood's beginning to dip; I should have far more saved in the bank by now, but between little things coming up to bite me in the ass and my affinity for fast food my account always gets depleted somehow.

Looking forward to moving into Delphi's old rooom; he and Silver are still moving. They've gotten all of their stuff out, but they haven't quite cleaned up yet. I could do it myself, I *should* do it myself, maybe that's what I'll do this evening. I'm also researching medieval Florence at the moment, which is all kinds of cool. :) I can start incorporating little nuggets of historical fact into my story now.

Let's see...I've also decided to write down little things that come to me and start researching them later, maybe write articles and essays about them. Like, when did the halo first start popping up as a holy symbol, and why? Why *does* the electoral college operate on an all-or-nothing basis? Who's *really* the father of Existentialism, Kierkegaard, or Sartre? You know, stuff like that. I've been enjoying the trivia on Austin Dern's and Xydexx's journals quite a bit.

I didn't realize I had that much to say. <:)