Debts To Pay

One of the best parts of the holiday season for me is the chance to sit back and think about all kinds of contemplative, sentimental stuff; to chart my progress from year to year; to stop and appreciate all the things that have gotten me through another year. And alas, Thanksgiving is no different.

Today it was pretty cold and rainy, very laidback and quiet. I didn't do much of anything today save talk to a few people, catch up on Mustsy stuff, idly play pool and cribbage (I lost a close one to Duncan (actually, he whipped my ass that last hand) but I got Danruk once, too), and I played my first game of Go. Lovely game, that, real laidback, contemplative and...interesting. There were lots of gray areas we couldn't really decide about. Once I'm all finished with Mustsy stuff for the week, and I get done with Boomer Express and "Gray Warming Over," I think I'll look up rules and study up if I can.

Thanksgiving dinner went really well; I went in for a bit much of the good-natured ribbing, and I was probably a bit unsympathetic to those of us with thinner skins (especially since I'm not the hardiest fellow around when it comes to such), but still...it was good fun nonetheless. I was feeling really...snappy tonight.

One of the biggest things I learned during Ramadan, I think, was that I have a surprisingly healthy ego lurking around under all of the self-deprecation. If I'm not careful, this ego rears up and manifests itself in pretty interesting ways; I've been trying to ignore it, or at the very least beat it down with self-insulting behavior. I mean, honestly, I've done nothing really *worthy* of ego, and I don't want to think of myself as 'good' vs. 'bad'. I just want to...be myself.

I think where my ego comes into play most is when I'm thinking of the way people treat other people. At least when it comes to respect. I pride myself on trying my best not to be shitty to other people, even though I fail quite a bit. Other people aren't nearly as concerned about the feelings of other people, so I tend to think of people as inferior in that regard. To me, there's really no call for blatant disrespect of someone else, even if that person is obviously 'wrong' about something. Nothing pisses me off more than someone who is just unforgivably rude, arrogant or dismissive of other people. It's just one of those things I can't really tolerate.

Here is where it gets hypocritical. I'm pretty sure I'm not *that* good about these things myself. I can think of a few times where I've been sort of dismissive of other people...either because they've come on really strongly about some things or there's just something about their personality that makes me recoil instantly in response. I've done it; everyone's done it. But I'm 'above' that, right? Yeah, right. :P

Here's the deal. I'm still figuring out who I am in all sorts of ways. A lot of what I notice about myself comes out when I'm subjected to new stimuli. In a lot of ways, Tube is right; actually living life is probably the best way to learn how to live. ;) Laypeople have a pretty significant advantage over monks in that regard. While monks are able to figure themselves out in a peaceful environment, quiet the things that are rattling around in the heads of every human being, they still don't have the experience of life constantly throwing shit at them to really turn over every deep, dark mechanism we use to cope with whatever gets thrown our way. I know that every time I think I have myself figured out something in my life changes and I get taken down a few pegs. :)

So what do I do about this newfound ego? Well, it's not a bad thing; confidence might help in unparalyzing me with all kinds of things. I enjoy writing, performing, telling stories, talking...and I'd like to think I'm kind of good at it. I'm not as quick at the deeper things as most people, but give me time to hack at a concept and eventually I'll come around to getting it. I have a strong set of morals, and I really do enjoy people. Though I'm getting into having periods of solitude as well. :) I'm curious about just about everything, but I don't have much of the backbone needed to see things through. :) I'm getting better about sticking through projects to see the fruits of my labor, though.

Which brings me around to another point; what I'm thankful for. Above everything, I'm thankful for progress and all of the revelations it brings. I look at myself now compared to what I've been like the past two years, and I can feel pretty proud of what I've accomplished personally. I'm still a pretty flawed person in just about every way, but I've come quite a ways. I'm thankful for finally realizing that trying to get where I want to be is better than sitting around and wishing I was there. I'm thankful for everyone who's ever been patient with me, past and present, and for those people who were able to stick with me and let me figure out for myself that I was wrong. I'm thankful for people who have basic respect for people, which is one of the highest bits of wisdom you can learn. I'm thankful that I'm able to have fun. I'm thankful that I'm always learning. And I guess that's it. :)

I'm thankful for other things too, but I've been at this long enough. ;)