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Not Supposed to Be Here
Nov. 14th, 2003 01:04 am
I should be in bed, but my mind's going at a million miles an hour and I can't seem to sleep. So much to do...
MFF is coming to be right around the corner, and I really should start making a list of all the stuff I need to do for it before I forget something crucial. I really want to make sure that I have a fun time, and that I help others have a fun time...for some reason, I feel like it's important for me to be at my best there, because there's a lot to deal with.
I'm rooming with Tyrnn, Quinn and Blackfeather, all three good good friends of mine who put up with far too much of my shit. I'm really appreciative of these guys, because they've stuck with me even when I'm being a complete asshole, and they understand and forgive. It's people like these that constantly drive me to be better.
Self-improvement has become a word that means a lot to me now. I went into Ramadan not really sure what to expect, what to have happen; I've been kind of drifting spiritually for a while now, casting my net into whatever's around so I can follow something. Now, I feel very much like I'm going someplace, that each step I take has a purpose and function. Things are pointed now, and that's a very comforting thing for me.
This week I've been kind of discouraged by a lot of things that have been weighing on me. Namely, how I treat and talk to people. I want to be nicer to folks, more considerate, more compassionate. I want to be able to accept people, even when they hurt me, as people. It's very hard not to think of people as enemies once they've hurt you. For some reason, it's *crucial* not to think of someone as an enemy going into MFF. I don't want that hanging over me and other people at the con. I don't want it to turn into anything. I don't think I really want to be this person's friend at this point, but hard feelings are not an option for me.
MFF, in turn, is going to be a blur; I know this already. I'm fantastically nervous about my stand-up show; I'm actually liking the stuff I've written for it, but I really pray to The Big Black Bird that I don't pull a 180 and think it all sucks moments before I go up there. :) I'm not so much worried about bombing in front of all these people; audience reaction is something that I have no control over, so there's no need to worry about it. I'm worried about me losing faith in my work. I'd like to go on-stage and walk off knowing that I did the best that I could do. That's what matters.
There are quite a few dinners and social engagements and such that I'd really like to take part in, and I'm going to have to start cementing all of that down so I know what's going on and don't stand anyone up. Knowing me and my spacy brain, it's *bound* to happen. ;) I know that there's a big smoke-out thing going on with Theome, and Sylvan's getting folks together for a brunch, and I'm having dinner with Theome and Jessie T. Wolf on Saturday I think...and I'd like to get Seph, Kamber, Roz, Sylvan, Blackfeather, Quinn, Fritzie, Swiftpaw, Tyrnn, Snakeskurt, Rollie and anyone-else-I'm-forgetting for a huge shindig, either dinner and a movie, or just going out to do something fun. If there's anything I'm forgetting, please please let me know. <:) Let's see...going out for clothing tomorrow, so I can have a spiffy new hat and maybe a new suit for the con. I have my pipe gear and tobacco, so there's not much to get there; maybe some pipe cleaners and a new lighter. I need to buy new razors and nail polish so I can shave my head and paint my nails there...maybe do a bit of dry cleaning, too. I want to buy folks a wee bit of a present, and I think I know what to get everyone... Beyond that, I've been doing stuff. There's drama in the Cube that's eaten up some of my time but I'll leave it at that. I think I'm going to be a bit more active with folks here from now on. Not in drama, mind you, but just in hanging out. I really need to manage my time better. One thing that's been severely annoying me as of late is the sheer amount of negativity people choose to focus on. Given a choice between talking about things they love and things they hate, people will almost invariably choose to bitch about anything they can. It's uncanny, and also ironic that I'm doing this right now. ;) People have gotten really, *really* good at hating things. It's almost down to an art form, you might say. They hate, and hate, and hate, even things that their friends might like, and *especially* things that friends find important, and so these friends get wounded and those wounds become hateful, too, and now *they're* hating something and blah blah blah it goes on and never stops. What the fuck is up with that? For a change, I think I'm going to make an early New Year's Resolution. Effective immediately, I will bitch as little as I possibly can. This will be hard, especially for me, but it's totally worth it if that means that there's less crap people have to put up with. I'm tired of seeing anger, disdain, arrogance and carelessness as a matter of course in people's daily lives. Right, just had to get that off my chest. And what a massive, masculine chest it is too. Just ask anyone here. You can put A1 on it and a sprig of parsley, and restaurants will try to charge you $25. That was stupid. In other news, watched "The Day After" with 2 and it wasn't nearly as scary as the first time. In fact, I daresay "Threads" got more of a rise out of me, come to think of it. I was still shaking like a leaf before the bombs fell, though. Now, I go to bed. Really.
MFF is coming to be right around the corner, and I really should start making a list of all the stuff I need to do for it before I forget something crucial. I really want to make sure that I have a fun time, and that I help others have a fun time...for some reason, I feel like it's important for me to be at my best there, because there's a lot to deal with.
I'm rooming with Tyrnn, Quinn and Blackfeather, all three good good friends of mine who put up with far too much of my shit. I'm really appreciative of these guys, because they've stuck with me even when I'm being a complete asshole, and they understand and forgive. It's people like these that constantly drive me to be better.
Self-improvement has become a word that means a lot to me now. I went into Ramadan not really sure what to expect, what to have happen; I've been kind of drifting spiritually for a while now, casting my net into whatever's around so I can follow something. Now, I feel very much like I'm going someplace, that each step I take has a purpose and function. Things are pointed now, and that's a very comforting thing for me.
This week I've been kind of discouraged by a lot of things that have been weighing on me. Namely, how I treat and talk to people. I want to be nicer to folks, more considerate, more compassionate. I want to be able to accept people, even when they hurt me, as people. It's very hard not to think of people as enemies once they've hurt you. For some reason, it's *crucial* not to think of someone as an enemy going into MFF. I don't want that hanging over me and other people at the con. I don't want it to turn into anything. I don't think I really want to be this person's friend at this point, but hard feelings are not an option for me.
MFF, in turn, is going to be a blur; I know this already. I'm fantastically nervous about my stand-up show; I'm actually liking the stuff I've written for it, but I really pray to The Big Black Bird that I don't pull a 180 and think it all sucks moments before I go up there. :) I'm not so much worried about bombing in front of all these people; audience reaction is something that I have no control over, so there's no need to worry about it. I'm worried about me losing faith in my work. I'd like to go on-stage and walk off knowing that I did the best that I could do. That's what matters.
There are quite a few dinners and social engagements and such that I'd really like to take part in, and I'm going to have to start cementing all of that down so I know what's going on and don't stand anyone up. Knowing me and my spacy brain, it's *bound* to happen. ;) I know that there's a big smoke-out thing going on with Theome, and Sylvan's getting folks together for a brunch, and I'm having dinner with Theome and Jessie T. Wolf on Saturday I think...and I'd like to get Seph, Kamber, Roz, Sylvan, Blackfeather, Quinn, Fritzie, Swiftpaw, Tyrnn, Snakeskurt, Rollie and anyone-else-I'm-forgetting for a huge shindig, either dinner and a movie, or just going out to do something fun. If there's anything I'm forgetting, please please let me know. <:) Let's see...going out for clothing tomorrow, so I can have a spiffy new hat and maybe a new suit for the con. I have my pipe gear and tobacco, so there's not much to get there; maybe some pipe cleaners and a new lighter. I need to buy new razors and nail polish so I can shave my head and paint my nails there...maybe do a bit of dry cleaning, too. I want to buy folks a wee bit of a present, and I think I know what to get everyone... Beyond that, I've been doing stuff. There's drama in the Cube that's eaten up some of my time but I'll leave it at that. I think I'm going to be a bit more active with folks here from now on. Not in drama, mind you, but just in hanging out. I really need to manage my time better. One thing that's been severely annoying me as of late is the sheer amount of negativity people choose to focus on. Given a choice between talking about things they love and things they hate, people will almost invariably choose to bitch about anything they can. It's uncanny, and also ironic that I'm doing this right now. ;) People have gotten really, *really* good at hating things. It's almost down to an art form, you might say. They hate, and hate, and hate, even things that their friends might like, and *especially* things that friends find important, and so these friends get wounded and those wounds become hateful, too, and now *they're* hating something and blah blah blah it goes on and never stops. What the fuck is up with that? For a change, I think I'm going to make an early New Year's Resolution. Effective immediately, I will bitch as little as I possibly can. This will be hard, especially for me, but it's totally worth it if that means that there's less crap people have to put up with. I'm tired of seeing anger, disdain, arrogance and carelessness as a matter of course in people's daily lives. Right, just had to get that off my chest. And what a massive, masculine chest it is too. Just ask anyone here. You can put A1 on it and a sprig of parsley, and restaurants will try to charge you $25. That was stupid. In other news, watched "The Day After" with 2 and it wasn't nearly as scary as the first time. In fact, I daresay "Threads" got more of a rise out of me, come to think of it. I was still shaking like a leaf before the bombs fell, though. Now, I go to bed. Really.
