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Rambling Afterglow
Jun. 10th, 2003 05:21 am
Hey there, all...
So, as evidenced yesterday I feel...better. No telling how this good mood will last, though; everything changes. ;)
I'm content right now. There's way too much I want to do -- reading, writing, learning Russian and French, acting *anywhere*, being a camp counselor, etc. etc. I'm kind of stretching myself, while slacking off a lot at the same time. Can't be healthy, it's a recipe for disaster.
I auditioned for a full-length independent movie yesterday. It's really much less impressive than it sounds; it's a college-boy golf comedy that's probably going to clock in at a bit over an hour, but I guess everyone has to start somewhere, right? I auditioned for the part of Jeff, the hero's sidekick and twisted caddy. I get to spew (frat-boy) philosophy and wear leather on a golf course if I actually make the part, though, so hey, that's a plus.
I'm very much action-oriented right now, and I tend not to talk about much when I'm like that, so...sorry if I'm boring over the next little bit. ;) I feel like...changing, and yeah, changing is a constant process blah blah blah, but focused, directed change is something different.
I've thought about talking to a monastery or two nearby (Tulsa, Kansas City, St. Louis, can you help with this?) and heading up to one for a weekend or two a month to just...volunteer for cleaning or something. I'm trying to weasel my way in without having to pay, basically; I can't afford an actual retreat, and working my way through sounds like a good idea. Maybe I should wait until I get my liscence first, though.
I've heard that Buddhism attracts flaky people, and...yeah, it does. :) Buddhism, especially in the West, can be pretty well manipulated to be anything you want it to be. Because there's really no hard and fast set to the specifics of it (besides the Four Noble Truths and the Noble Eightfold Path) you can add chakras and crystals and a whole lot of New Age hoohockey to it and theoretically it'll still fly. I think it flies best, though, uncluttered with things.
This isn't to say I haven't put my own spin on my practice. I'm still very much into the idea of totemism, though that view of things has shifted quite a bit (introverted to extroverted), and that factors quite a bit into it. But overall, I like the idea of straight-up Soto Zen; meditation, stumbling towards understanding and picking up pieces along the way. Each little hardship, every depressive episode, all the times I withdraw I come back with a bit more and my view changes a little bit.
I do worry about other people. I worry about what other people think, and I want for other people to 'like me', especially those folks whom I admire...and there are a lot of them. The more I go through life, though, the less willing I am to stretch for these people, to actively pursue their interest and good will. It does bug me when I feel ignored, or I can't seem to 'break through' the signal-to-noise ratio and strike up an intelligent conversation with someone I think would be really interesting to talk to. Am I just not intelligent *enough*? Do I not have the proper 'attitude'? Am I just annoying these people? Why does it feel so difficult to get people, even people I know intimately, to genuinely care about me and what's important to me? I really have no idea, but I'm less willing to try and force things into happening. People are people, and there's going to be clashes, and there's going to be apathy. The more I think about it, the more comfortable I am with being quiet in a broader social context. I don't mind as much being where I am anymore.
Besides, there's always conversation to be had elsewhere.
So, as evidenced yesterday I feel...better. No telling how this good mood will last, though; everything changes. ;)
I'm content right now. There's way too much I want to do -- reading, writing, learning Russian and French, acting *anywhere*, being a camp counselor, etc. etc. I'm kind of stretching myself, while slacking off a lot at the same time. Can't be healthy, it's a recipe for disaster.
I auditioned for a full-length independent movie yesterday. It's really much less impressive than it sounds; it's a college-boy golf comedy that's probably going to clock in at a bit over an hour, but I guess everyone has to start somewhere, right? I auditioned for the part of Jeff, the hero's sidekick and twisted caddy. I get to spew (frat-boy) philosophy and wear leather on a golf course if I actually make the part, though, so hey, that's a plus.
I'm very much action-oriented right now, and I tend not to talk about much when I'm like that, so...sorry if I'm boring over the next little bit. ;) I feel like...changing, and yeah, changing is a constant process blah blah blah, but focused, directed change is something different.
I've thought about talking to a monastery or two nearby (Tulsa, Kansas City, St. Louis, can you help with this?) and heading up to one for a weekend or two a month to just...volunteer for cleaning or something. I'm trying to weasel my way in without having to pay, basically; I can't afford an actual retreat, and working my way through sounds like a good idea. Maybe I should wait until I get my liscence first, though.
I've heard that Buddhism attracts flaky people, and...yeah, it does. :) Buddhism, especially in the West, can be pretty well manipulated to be anything you want it to be. Because there's really no hard and fast set to the specifics of it (besides the Four Noble Truths and the Noble Eightfold Path) you can add chakras and crystals and a whole lot of New Age hoohockey to it and theoretically it'll still fly. I think it flies best, though, uncluttered with things.
This isn't to say I haven't put my own spin on my practice. I'm still very much into the idea of totemism, though that view of things has shifted quite a bit (introverted to extroverted), and that factors quite a bit into it. But overall, I like the idea of straight-up Soto Zen; meditation, stumbling towards understanding and picking up pieces along the way. Each little hardship, every depressive episode, all the times I withdraw I come back with a bit more and my view changes a little bit.
I do worry about other people. I worry about what other people think, and I want for other people to 'like me', especially those folks whom I admire...and there are a lot of them. The more I go through life, though, the less willing I am to stretch for these people, to actively pursue their interest and good will. It does bug me when I feel ignored, or I can't seem to 'break through' the signal-to-noise ratio and strike up an intelligent conversation with someone I think would be really interesting to talk to. Am I just not intelligent *enough*? Do I not have the proper 'attitude'? Am I just annoying these people? Why does it feel so difficult to get people, even people I know intimately, to genuinely care about me and what's important to me? I really have no idea, but I'm less willing to try and force things into happening. People are people, and there's going to be clashes, and there's going to be apathy. The more I think about it, the more comfortable I am with being quiet in a broader social context. I don't mind as much being where I am anymore.
Besides, there's always conversation to be had elsewhere.
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