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One Grain Out
Jan. 15th, 2003 09:52 pm
Hey there, all...
Today wasn't as productive as I would have liked it to be. I got stuff done, sort of, but there's been this overwhelmingly vague feeling of just...ineffectualness that has just been dogging me to the four corners of the world and back again. It's not that I don't have the time to be doing the things I wish I were doing...quite the opposite, in fact. But every time I sit down to do one of the things I love I'm struck with this nihilistic thought of "Why bother speaking?" I'll open my 'mouth' to say something, only to close it again. Then I'll back off and go play pool or something.
I don't think this is one of those self-esteem issues this time, either. I think it's just a desire to sit back and hear the world. The signal-to-noise ratio seems very high these days, and I'd rather not add more crap to have to sort through just to find good things. I'd rather just be silent.
Inherently, there's nothing wrong with this at all. But there's still that drive to produce something, to have something to show for my time, to create, that drives me. I'm torn, because creation means needing to voice something, and right now, as far as I can tell, there's just no need for me to voice anything.
Perhaps I'm looking at the process of creation too egocentrically. Writing has always been a relation of personal experiences for me; a view of emotions, thoughts and feelings through the kaleidoscope of my own view. Maybe instead I should change my vision to a more pure, objective stance. Gosh, the world sure is beautiful. I have a tendency to go The world is beautiful to me because of this and this and this and this. Maybe I just need to get a better level of simplification.
Work is work. I'm straightening the poetry section now, and it's not a difficult job, it's just involved. I'm pretty sure I could have it done by the end of the week, if I weren't interrupted. BUT, since DSL is coming by week's end and I have to move duplicate books for Religion, let's say I'll get poetry done by the end of *next* week.
I think I'll start making a daily list of things to do, just for progression's sake. I don't want to feel like I'm doing things just to say I'm doing something, but I've got to do *something*. Even if something is nothing, I'd rather it be a conscious decision to let go then just...doing it because it's a habit, you know?
Slowly, slowly, I'm coming back out of my shell, meeting new people, re-asserting myself. I don't really feel like being personable these days but I do feel bad for letting a lot of good opportunities of companionship pass me by.
Ah, well, off to bed for me.
Today wasn't as productive as I would have liked it to be. I got stuff done, sort of, but there's been this overwhelmingly vague feeling of just...ineffectualness that has just been dogging me to the four corners of the world and back again. It's not that I don't have the time to be doing the things I wish I were doing...quite the opposite, in fact. But every time I sit down to do one of the things I love I'm struck with this nihilistic thought of "Why bother speaking?" I'll open my 'mouth' to say something, only to close it again. Then I'll back off and go play pool or something.
I don't think this is one of those self-esteem issues this time, either. I think it's just a desire to sit back and hear the world. The signal-to-noise ratio seems very high these days, and I'd rather not add more crap to have to sort through just to find good things. I'd rather just be silent.
Inherently, there's nothing wrong with this at all. But there's still that drive to produce something, to have something to show for my time, to create, that drives me. I'm torn, because creation means needing to voice something, and right now, as far as I can tell, there's just no need for me to voice anything.
Perhaps I'm looking at the process of creation too egocentrically. Writing has always been a relation of personal experiences for me; a view of emotions, thoughts and feelings through the kaleidoscope of my own view. Maybe instead I should change my vision to a more pure, objective stance. Gosh, the world sure is beautiful. I have a tendency to go The world is beautiful to me because of this and this and this and this. Maybe I just need to get a better level of simplification.
Work is work. I'm straightening the poetry section now, and it's not a difficult job, it's just involved. I'm pretty sure I could have it done by the end of the week, if I weren't interrupted. BUT, since DSL is coming by week's end and I have to move duplicate books for Religion, let's say I'll get poetry done by the end of *next* week.
I think I'll start making a daily list of things to do, just for progression's sake. I don't want to feel like I'm doing things just to say I'm doing something, but I've got to do *something*. Even if something is nothing, I'd rather it be a conscious decision to let go then just...doing it because it's a habit, you know?
Slowly, slowly, I'm coming back out of my shell, meeting new people, re-asserting myself. I don't really feel like being personable these days but I do feel bad for letting a lot of good opportunities of companionship pass me by.
Ah, well, off to bed for me.
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