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Competitive Hindsweeping
Apr. 19th, 2002 09:25 am
Hey there...
You know, it's really fucking hard to cut off something that's come to grow out of your arms naturally over the past few years.
When I was but a very wee child, living with my family and all, I didn't have anyone to talk to. Even back then, I was a fur...and a macrophile. Literally, my first sexual thoughts were about Mighty Mouse, Danger Mouse, Magellan (from Eureka's Castle) and how I would love to have a giant friend to keep me company. Weird, huh? But I digress...
I was always an undeniable weirdo. I never dressed the same, I never looked the same, I never acted the same as anyone else, and it really, really bugged me. I couldn't talk to my mother about how I felt, she wouldn't understand. My dad wasn't around, and when he was he was usually drunk and fighting with Mom (one of the reasons she wouldn't understand). And my sister was a tomboy who usually ended up defending me, even though I was 2 years older. It's amazing how much of your personality from childhood sticks with you. :) I'm such a wussy little faggot...
I was always on the outside of things. I could look into to people's social interactions, see what they were doing, but...couldn't ever participate somehow. And every time I tried, things went badly. I had no friends at all in elementary school, by middle school I talked to two or three other weirdos and we became inseperable...until I got moved to the Advanced Class. Yay for me, I'm smart...but I still had no friends. :P
High school came and went, and that's when I started to come into my own a bit. I had friends, I was active, I knew people...my grades went down the shitter, but still...by my senior year, I was happy. But still...something was missing.
I found furry in 1996, and I thought that was it. That was what was filling the hole. Nothing I had encountered yet had come so utterly close to capturing all of my little weird and twisted fantasies, my hopes and dreams, my attitudes...it was a smorgasboard of undeniable weirdos and we all had each other to help and hold when things got rough. We were a community of outcasts, and we knew how to treat each other because of it.
Well, it turns out, I'm wrong. Furry *is* a community, but a community filled with the same sort of insecure, broken people you're going to find anywhere else. Some of them will treat you like crap. Some of them will play you like a dog. Some of them will step on you just to hear you scream. OK, cool. After years of dealing with that issue, I understand that. It's cool. Warts and all, furry's my group. I'm home now.
But still...
What am I getting at? Well, no matter what I've done, where I've gone, or who I've been with, I still keep running into the basic problem that's dogged me all of my life: insufficient communication. No matter how hard I try, and no matter what I do, I always end up right back at square one. On the outside looking in. Sometimes, this predicament is entirely within my own mind. Sometimes, this predicament is entirely real. Most of the time, it's a mixture of both.
I think I've just grown accustomed to being alienated. I've gotten used to the idea that I will never, ever, truly be close to anyone, and no one will ever ever understand what it is I think, or how I go about reasoning my existence. Even if the key to all of my problems is actually there, I'll toss it away, *just* to accomodate this world-view.
OK, good. I've identified a self-destructive behaviour. Now how the FUCK do I turn it off?
Do I have to gnaw off my arm? Do I have to go to therapy? Do I have to forget about it, what? Sometimes, I want so badly to be close to people, and I just can't figure out how. It's frustrating.
There...I've ranted. I feel better.
Everything else is good. I just got over the flu, even though I'm still hacking up bits of lung butter here and there. Hmm, let's see...what else? Writing, as usual, but I don't have the level of dedication I want to yet. I'm more dedicated to expressing myself in a half-assed attempt to reach people on a personal level than I am at that. I'm pushing hard.
Went to see "Panic Room" with a fellow local fur, and it was GOOD. Definitely buying that when it comes out on DVD.
And finally, working on getting rid of all those little things that cause me to self-destruct from time to time. I'm more booby-trapped than an old Bosnian war field.
All wrapped up in a neat little bow, I'm feeling a lot better than...well, ever. I feel like I'm going somewhere, even if it is an inch at a time. I feel like I've gained a basic understanding of the world I live in, and even though there's a lot I don't like about it, I can accept it. I just wish I could say the same for myself.
Added SouthClawBruin, ShiningMidnight, Gentle and Genesis_W to my friends list. That is, if that's OK with them. :)
Off to bed and stuff for me. Good day!
You know, it's really fucking hard to cut off something that's come to grow out of your arms naturally over the past few years.
When I was but a very wee child, living with my family and all, I didn't have anyone to talk to. Even back then, I was a fur...and a macrophile. Literally, my first sexual thoughts were about Mighty Mouse, Danger Mouse, Magellan (from Eureka's Castle) and how I would love to have a giant friend to keep me company. Weird, huh? But I digress...
I was always an undeniable weirdo. I never dressed the same, I never looked the same, I never acted the same as anyone else, and it really, really bugged me. I couldn't talk to my mother about how I felt, she wouldn't understand. My dad wasn't around, and when he was he was usually drunk and fighting with Mom (one of the reasons she wouldn't understand). And my sister was a tomboy who usually ended up defending me, even though I was 2 years older. It's amazing how much of your personality from childhood sticks with you. :) I'm such a wussy little faggot...
I was always on the outside of things. I could look into to people's social interactions, see what they were doing, but...couldn't ever participate somehow. And every time I tried, things went badly. I had no friends at all in elementary school, by middle school I talked to two or three other weirdos and we became inseperable...until I got moved to the Advanced Class. Yay for me, I'm smart...but I still had no friends. :P
High school came and went, and that's when I started to come into my own a bit. I had friends, I was active, I knew people...my grades went down the shitter, but still...by my senior year, I was happy. But still...something was missing.
I found furry in 1996, and I thought that was it. That was what was filling the hole. Nothing I had encountered yet had come so utterly close to capturing all of my little weird and twisted fantasies, my hopes and dreams, my attitudes...it was a smorgasboard of undeniable weirdos and we all had each other to help and hold when things got rough. We were a community of outcasts, and we knew how to treat each other because of it.
Well, it turns out, I'm wrong. Furry *is* a community, but a community filled with the same sort of insecure, broken people you're going to find anywhere else. Some of them will treat you like crap. Some of them will play you like a dog. Some of them will step on you just to hear you scream. OK, cool. After years of dealing with that issue, I understand that. It's cool. Warts and all, furry's my group. I'm home now.
But still...
What am I getting at? Well, no matter what I've done, where I've gone, or who I've been with, I still keep running into the basic problem that's dogged me all of my life: insufficient communication. No matter how hard I try, and no matter what I do, I always end up right back at square one. On the outside looking in. Sometimes, this predicament is entirely within my own mind. Sometimes, this predicament is entirely real. Most of the time, it's a mixture of both.
I think I've just grown accustomed to being alienated. I've gotten used to the idea that I will never, ever, truly be close to anyone, and no one will ever ever understand what it is I think, or how I go about reasoning my existence. Even if the key to all of my problems is actually there, I'll toss it away, *just* to accomodate this world-view.
OK, good. I've identified a self-destructive behaviour. Now how the FUCK do I turn it off?
Do I have to gnaw off my arm? Do I have to go to therapy? Do I have to forget about it, what? Sometimes, I want so badly to be close to people, and I just can't figure out how. It's frustrating.
There...I've ranted. I feel better.
Everything else is good. I just got over the flu, even though I'm still hacking up bits of lung butter here and there. Hmm, let's see...what else? Writing, as usual, but I don't have the level of dedication I want to yet. I'm more dedicated to expressing myself in a half-assed attempt to reach people on a personal level than I am at that. I'm pushing hard.
Went to see "Panic Room" with a fellow local fur, and it was GOOD. Definitely buying that when it comes out on DVD.
And finally, working on getting rid of all those little things that cause me to self-destruct from time to time. I'm more booby-trapped than an old Bosnian war field.
All wrapped up in a neat little bow, I'm feeling a lot better than...well, ever. I feel like I'm going somewhere, even if it is an inch at a time. I feel like I've gained a basic understanding of the world I live in, and even though there's a lot I don't like about it, I can accept it. I just wish I could say the same for myself.
Added SouthClawBruin, ShiningMidnight, Gentle and Genesis_W to my friends list. That is, if that's OK with them. :)
Off to bed and stuff for me. Good day!
