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Who Me? Not One Or Only...
Mar. 10th, 2002 07:09 pm
Hey there, all...
The weekend had the usual gaggle of people and it wasn't so bad, really. The OK furs were actually pretty cool, and I got to treat a few people to a special showing of Requiem For A Dream, so all in all it was a pretty good night.
For some reason, I'm still depressed and feeling anti-social. I guess I just feel a bit burned by people in general. I'm not really held in special regard by anyone (well, except for one special person that I can think of), and I think that with a few people it's actually my fault. I've tried to fix it, I suppose, but, well...the damage is already done I suppose.
With a good majority of people, it's just...the nature of thing. One friend in particular has this really weird double-standard going on. He can point out my flaws no problem, but whenever I point his out he just whisks away, because he doesn't feel like he has to walk on eggshells just to talk to me. I realized recently I was doing the same thing just because I felt I needed his friendship. Now, I really don't care anymore. No matter what I do, I'm fucked anyway.
I'm just steeped in this really deep regret with just about everyone I've ever known. With a lot of people locally, I feel like my good graces are being abused. People are eating my food and using my things without even asking or telling me, but they ask Joey if they can do it, like everything's his. I've had to kick several people out of my bed because they just flopped down without asking me, and that really made me feel like an ass. But...what are you going to do? Either you're an ass or you're a doormat. I'm tired of being a doormat.
On-line, I'm just not interesting enough to hold the attention of people I want to. There's really nothing I can do to fix this, and there are a few people I talk to, but for the most part so many people have too much going on, and I'll never be able to get in a word edge-wise. Those who do talk to me only do so (for the most part, granted) when I'm a 'giant', and that leaves me with the same feeling of being used. But, I've found, in most instances, feeling used is better than feeling ignored. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
I really feel the need for a drastic and catastrophic change in my life. I've done these things long enough, and while they were good and fun, and informative most of all, I need to move on. So, I guess I'd better focus most of my energies on that.
There's a short list of cities I'd like to move to. Unfortunately, they're quite spread out. ;) Baltimore/Washington tops the list, mainly because I already know the area and there's this big sense of nostalgia pulling me there (along with aforementioned special person). I know the theatre scene there is actually pretty neat, and I really like the general atmosphere there. It'd actually be possible to try and trace back my family lineage, which is something I've always wanted to do.
Minneapolis looks pretty good, too. They've got good universities as far as I can tell, a pretty great restaraunt scene, and quite a few furs in the area of nearby, so it wouldn't be too bad to hook up there. Also, Sylvan's been pulling me in that general direction, although he's been trying to pull me up with a package deal. I don't think he'd be nearly as enthusiastic with only one piece in the NARFA set. :)
Portland, Oregon or maybe Seattle or thereabouts looks nice too, if only it weren't so expensive and...mysterious. Beyond websites, I really don't know what I'd be moving into, except...well, spiritually I've been pulled there for over a year. If I had some kind of connection there besides that, it'd be far more feasible/attractive to go there. I'll have to look into it a bit more seriously.
Silver, Wolphy and Shady are all over, but they're visiting Ryngs and Delphi, respectively. I guess that means I can get anti-social and depressive and they won't notice as much. Yay. :) I need to *do* soemthing about this...
The weekend had the usual gaggle of people and it wasn't so bad, really. The OK furs were actually pretty cool, and I got to treat a few people to a special showing of Requiem For A Dream, so all in all it was a pretty good night.
For some reason, I'm still depressed and feeling anti-social. I guess I just feel a bit burned by people in general. I'm not really held in special regard by anyone (well, except for one special person that I can think of), and I think that with a few people it's actually my fault. I've tried to fix it, I suppose, but, well...the damage is already done I suppose.
With a good majority of people, it's just...the nature of thing. One friend in particular has this really weird double-standard going on. He can point out my flaws no problem, but whenever I point his out he just whisks away, because he doesn't feel like he has to walk on eggshells just to talk to me. I realized recently I was doing the same thing just because I felt I needed his friendship. Now, I really don't care anymore. No matter what I do, I'm fucked anyway.
I'm just steeped in this really deep regret with just about everyone I've ever known. With a lot of people locally, I feel like my good graces are being abused. People are eating my food and using my things without even asking or telling me, but they ask Joey if they can do it, like everything's his. I've had to kick several people out of my bed because they just flopped down without asking me, and that really made me feel like an ass. But...what are you going to do? Either you're an ass or you're a doormat. I'm tired of being a doormat.
On-line, I'm just not interesting enough to hold the attention of people I want to. There's really nothing I can do to fix this, and there are a few people I talk to, but for the most part so many people have too much going on, and I'll never be able to get in a word edge-wise. Those who do talk to me only do so (for the most part, granted) when I'm a 'giant', and that leaves me with the same feeling of being used. But, I've found, in most instances, feeling used is better than feeling ignored. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
I really feel the need for a drastic and catastrophic change in my life. I've done these things long enough, and while they were good and fun, and informative most of all, I need to move on. So, I guess I'd better focus most of my energies on that.
There's a short list of cities I'd like to move to. Unfortunately, they're quite spread out. ;) Baltimore/Washington tops the list, mainly because I already know the area and there's this big sense of nostalgia pulling me there (along with aforementioned special person). I know the theatre scene there is actually pretty neat, and I really like the general atmosphere there. It'd actually be possible to try and trace back my family lineage, which is something I've always wanted to do.
Minneapolis looks pretty good, too. They've got good universities as far as I can tell, a pretty great restaraunt scene, and quite a few furs in the area of nearby, so it wouldn't be too bad to hook up there. Also, Sylvan's been pulling me in that general direction, although he's been trying to pull me up with a package deal. I don't think he'd be nearly as enthusiastic with only one piece in the NARFA set. :)
Portland, Oregon or maybe Seattle or thereabouts looks nice too, if only it weren't so expensive and...mysterious. Beyond websites, I really don't know what I'd be moving into, except...well, spiritually I've been pulled there for over a year. If I had some kind of connection there besides that, it'd be far more feasible/attractive to go there. I'll have to look into it a bit more seriously.
Silver, Wolphy and Shady are all over, but they're visiting Ryngs and Delphi, respectively. I guess that means I can get anti-social and depressive and they won't notice as much. Yay. :) I need to *do* soemthing about this...
