Election Year Racing

Hey there, all...

Human beings, by nature, are very social creatures. From the time of birth, we crave attention, affection, the touch, sight and smell of another human being. We love it, crave it, starve for it, develop all sorts of oddities for it...

I...want it. I won't deny that there's always been a longing for someone I could just connect to, much deeper than just casually. I want someone I can be passionate about, obsess over, love with every fiber of my being. I want someone who loves me too, and understands my very fickle heart.

I'd like to think that I'm a people person. Honestly, I truly enjoy the company of others. I like being surprised and inspired by new ideas, or bonding with people about even the most trivial things... How in the hell did I become such an anti-social bastard?

We have parties every Saturday night at our house, which is a sort of HQ for the local furry group here. Furs in the area get together, discuss all sorts of things, get drunk, get loud, and just let loose. Most of these people work drab, boring jobs, live alone or with families that don't understand them, and just come here for a bit of company and fellowship. And for some reason, whenever they're here I would like nothing more than to be left alone to my computer, my writing, and my correspondence. Sigh.

I work five days a week at a convenience store. I have to deal with rude, assinine customers who I help kill by giving them cigarettes. They always leave messes, they never read signs, very few of them actually know any semblances of the exchange of human pleasantries (Is it *that* hard to believe that I ask "How are you?" and mean it??) and most of them answer any sort of greeting with "Marlboro Lights...in a box". They're not real telling boosters for my faith in humanity.

I get frustrated. I really want to like these people that come through the door, and I *actually* want to give them the customer service I get paid (shittily) to give them. I *like* the idea of making people feel better, and this is a chance to do it. Eventually, though, my temper gets the best of me and I become a sullen, bitter, jadedly quiet clerk that they shove money at to get their precious little cigarettes. This is my life, Monday - Saturday.

It wouldn't be so bad, really, if I had time to just...chill by myself and remind myself of all the reasons life is grand. Unfortunately, right around the time I get home is right around the time my friends and roommates show up, bringing up another host of problems and insecurities for me to listen to. And instead of relishing in their shared companionship and empathizing in their situation, they just make me more and more annoyed. And I really hate myself for it.

The Beating on Saturday was just an example. I should be reveling with the rest of my fellows, but I spend the night desperately trying to ignore everything around me and MUCKing on the computer. From Saturday morning when I get home to Sunday evening, there's usually a solid wall of people here, wanting to take me bargain shopping, playing ni various RPGs, talking to me about things I don't really care to know about, or ejecting bodily fluids onto the furniture (don't ask).

Some days, I just want to be left alone. But most of those times, even, I don't really. I just want some kind of companion who's content to spend a quiet evening reading a book together, cozied up. Someone who isn't loud and troubled and expecting me to entertain them constantly, but who doesn't mind having me around. Someone who's passionate, understated, has the same fucked-up, hard-core macrophile kinks I do, and doesn't mind us just...fitting together. Someone who doesn't demand, but simply is.

Maybe I'm just searching for a Perfect Guy that I don't deserve yet. Right now, though, I'm lonely even if I'm never, ever alone.

I'm not depressed, by the way. :) Just frustrated with myself. I wish I could just enjoy people, but lately I haven't been able to.