An Epic of Sugar
Mar. 12th, 2004 08:09 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jakebe
I feel...insubstantial these days. After a lot of talking to friends about all kinds of things and doing a lot of thinking about relationships I've come to realize that most of the friendships I consider to be really close are actually only held together tenuously by only one thing. With some people it's projects we collaborate on, with others it's just the fact that we feel the same way about one thing...more and more often, I'm noticing that conversations I have are pretty much dominated by one thing with a person. If I'm talking to X, we're *always* going to talk about this. When with Y, *this* is always going to come up.
The most surprising and dismaying part about this is having to jettison the illusion of closeness or camraderie that isn't necessarily there. Oh yes, there's a connection, but suddenly people that I thought would know everything about me in fact don't know a whole lot at all, and vice versa. I don't really know my friends as much as I think I do.
The 'blame' for this lies squarely at my feet. I'm quite wrapped up in what I do, what I think, and I don't really...empathize with people the way I thought I did. I'm great at pretending, I guess, but in the end I'm pretty self-absorbed.
It's very easy to be depressed by this. You'd *like* to think of yourself as a good person, right? It's never really easy when you realize you're not as good as you think.
Still, I know what the problem is, now I get to fix it. ;) That's the tricky part...for the next ten days I'll be pretty much in Kansas City and Orlando, respectively, connecting with people I only really talk to maybe once a year before there are a couple of awkward "Hello"s on-line or some such. Part of me wants to just...sink, hug the walls, not talk to anyone, sit back and observe how people talk to each other. But I can't really do that. Sometimes it feels like everything I've learned about dealing with people flies out of the window, and I don't really feel up to trying to say something funny, or smart, or witty. Sometimes I just feel dull, and I'd just like to roll around in my dullness for a while. But that's not how you make/keep friends, right?
I'm alone a whole lot these days, and I'm fine with that. I actually really enjoy it. I don't have many friends, and I'm fine with that too. It's my doing, it's how I am, it's how I've chosen to relate with people. I'm friendly but not open. What I'm not fine with is the fact that I'm not really open with those people I *am* close to. Just makes me feel really lonely. I was hoping to avoid this spiral before travelling for ten days, but there you go. ;)
To all the folks who typically go "Angst sucks; just change stuff you don't like and quite bitching." (and you know who you are), I know exactly what I need to do and have every intention of doing it. Being sad about things is not something that you should sweep under the rug, swallow down and repress. I'll deal later, let me be sad (and vent about it) for now, all right? Thank you.
Mmm, this isn't really saying anything. My self-image has pretty much fallen apart and I don't have anything to replace it right now. Who I *thought* I was, isn't; so who am I *really*? A lot of it's easy; what I want hasn't changed. I still want to tell stories, I still want to find a way to make people feel better. I like the idea of being someone people come to for advice. But beyond that...how effective am I? How close do people regard me as being? What do people *really* think of me? (This is not a cry for a choruses of "You rock!"; anyone who just does that without actually thinking of flaws isn't taking the question seriously at all, so I won't take the answer seriously, either.) I almost want people to lay into me, lay it all out, just to corroborate flaws I guess, but at the same time I fear what people have to say. I can think of two or three people off the top of my head who probably have really unflattering things to say, and they'd likely be true.
In the end there's nothing much I can do besides earnestly try to be a better person. I've always kind of thought that guilt is a useless emotion unless there's motivation behind it. Just sitting around and going "I suck." does nothing, really, unless you use that guilt to propel you into well...not sucking. This is a realization that's hard-gained from experience, but I still have little tolerance for those people who just sit around and say "I suck," even though I'm prone to that on occassion, I used to do nothing *but* that earlier and I'm pretty much doing it now. What should be empathy is just...anger. "You suck? Well get up off your fat ass and work! That's *all* you have to do. It's going to be hard, but it's fucking worth doing. Now stop your snivelling and *move*. You'll fail, yes, but the point is to try, dumbass! Keep trying!" And this after I tell people not to do that to me. <:) I don't quite think I'm a career suck-lump, though. Anyway, I have writing and packing to do, and I should probably be doing that. My mood will most certainly improve in the presence of people I'm warm towards.
The most surprising and dismaying part about this is having to jettison the illusion of closeness or camraderie that isn't necessarily there. Oh yes, there's a connection, but suddenly people that I thought would know everything about me in fact don't know a whole lot at all, and vice versa. I don't really know my friends as much as I think I do.
The 'blame' for this lies squarely at my feet. I'm quite wrapped up in what I do, what I think, and I don't really...empathize with people the way I thought I did. I'm great at pretending, I guess, but in the end I'm pretty self-absorbed.
It's very easy to be depressed by this. You'd *like* to think of yourself as a good person, right? It's never really easy when you realize you're not as good as you think.
Still, I know what the problem is, now I get to fix it. ;) That's the tricky part...for the next ten days I'll be pretty much in Kansas City and Orlando, respectively, connecting with people I only really talk to maybe once a year before there are a couple of awkward "Hello"s on-line or some such. Part of me wants to just...sink, hug the walls, not talk to anyone, sit back and observe how people talk to each other. But I can't really do that. Sometimes it feels like everything I've learned about dealing with people flies out of the window, and I don't really feel up to trying to say something funny, or smart, or witty. Sometimes I just feel dull, and I'd just like to roll around in my dullness for a while. But that's not how you make/keep friends, right?
I'm alone a whole lot these days, and I'm fine with that. I actually really enjoy it. I don't have many friends, and I'm fine with that too. It's my doing, it's how I am, it's how I've chosen to relate with people. I'm friendly but not open. What I'm not fine with is the fact that I'm not really open with those people I *am* close to. Just makes me feel really lonely. I was hoping to avoid this spiral before travelling for ten days, but there you go. ;)
To all the folks who typically go "Angst sucks; just change stuff you don't like and quite bitching." (and you know who you are), I know exactly what I need to do and have every intention of doing it. Being sad about things is not something that you should sweep under the rug, swallow down and repress. I'll deal later, let me be sad (and vent about it) for now, all right? Thank you.
Mmm, this isn't really saying anything. My self-image has pretty much fallen apart and I don't have anything to replace it right now. Who I *thought* I was, isn't; so who am I *really*? A lot of it's easy; what I want hasn't changed. I still want to tell stories, I still want to find a way to make people feel better. I like the idea of being someone people come to for advice. But beyond that...how effective am I? How close do people regard me as being? What do people *really* think of me? (This is not a cry for a choruses of "You rock!"; anyone who just does that without actually thinking of flaws isn't taking the question seriously at all, so I won't take the answer seriously, either.) I almost want people to lay into me, lay it all out, just to corroborate flaws I guess, but at the same time I fear what people have to say. I can think of two or three people off the top of my head who probably have really unflattering things to say, and they'd likely be true.
In the end there's nothing much I can do besides earnestly try to be a better person. I've always kind of thought that guilt is a useless emotion unless there's motivation behind it. Just sitting around and going "I suck." does nothing, really, unless you use that guilt to propel you into well...not sucking. This is a realization that's hard-gained from experience, but I still have little tolerance for those people who just sit around and say "I suck," even though I'm prone to that on occassion, I used to do nothing *but* that earlier and I'm pretty much doing it now. What should be empathy is just...anger. "You suck? Well get up off your fat ass and work! That's *all* you have to do. It's going to be hard, but it's fucking worth doing. Now stop your snivelling and *move*. You'll fail, yes, but the point is to try, dumbass! Keep trying!" And this after I tell people not to do that to me. <:) I don't quite think I'm a career suck-lump, though. Anyway, I have writing and packing to do, and I should probably be doing that. My mood will most certainly improve in the presence of people I'm warm towards.
