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jakebe
Hey there all...
I'm a weepy son of a bitch these days.
I'm a weepy son of a bitch these days.
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Hey there all...
I'm a weepy son of a bitch these days. <:) I don't know if you'd call it manic or what, but everything is beautiful, or something to that effect. I feel like that one fellow in "American Beauty", and I can watch just about anything for hours.
My birthday is coming up soon, and when it passes I'll be 23. I think I've gotten past the whole cornerstone birthday thing; yeah, after this I'll be 25, then 30, then 40, then 60 and so forth and so on until I stop having birthdays one day, but I think I'm at that point where I stop getting excited about getting older and start getting reflective about it.
LAST birthday, I bitched and moaned and complained about not having a birthday party, or presents or anything, and everyone here came through for me in a way that made me feel like a total ass. :) <user site="livejournal.com" user="blackfeather"> even came down to visit for a week or two. I think that party rocked enough for me to never bitch again. ;) Now, I think I'll be content with a good bottle of whiskey and a good pipe or something.
Still, there's all this...stuff to look back on now. I'm old enough to look back on my life and how it's shaped me up to this point, and take stock in where I'm going. I'm young yet, though, and I guess a little aimless restlessness is to be expected. The truth is, I don't know what I'd like to do; there are so many things that are pulling me, and I've got like, one foot in all of them. I'd love to join a monastery for a while; I'd love to get "Salvation" off the ground; 2 Sense is starting to take, and who knows what might happen with that; what about acting, or plays, or theatre? Will it ever be time to get into that again? College? Where? When?
There's a bit of antsiness in the air; I feel *ready*. Whatever I pick, I can throw myself into it with the focus it deserves. I just have no idea what it is I want to do.
On the other hand, there's all this regret and shame and pain from childhood and growing up that I've come to be cool with and incorporate into my general make up. I just like to remember them. Mistakes I've made, relationships I've let 'get away'. My family. My mother. I think about her every day, and I wonder what she's doing. It'd be so easy to call but I'm afraid, I don't know what I'd say. I love her. I wonder if she knows that.
I used to be such a little shit. :) There are a lot of people I've messed up with, and I'd love to be cool with them again but I don't think it'll ever happen. I still have things to work out, you know, and I really don't expect anyone to have much patience or sympathy with me.
So here I am, I guess. I'm a flawed person, and I don't know anything, and I take that way too seriously. I'm happy, but I don't express that very well. I even take happiness way too seriously. ;) And I think about myself *way* too much.
Yeah, so anyway, back to work.
I'm a weepy son of a bitch these days. <:) I don't know if you'd call it manic or what, but everything is beautiful, or something to that effect. I feel like that one fellow in "American Beauty", and I can watch just about anything for hours.
My birthday is coming up soon, and when it passes I'll be 23. I think I've gotten past the whole cornerstone birthday thing; yeah, after this I'll be 25, then 30, then 40, then 60 and so forth and so on until I stop having birthdays one day, but I think I'm at that point where I stop getting excited about getting older and start getting reflective about it.
LAST birthday, I bitched and moaned and complained about not having a birthday party, or presents or anything, and everyone here came through for me in a way that made me feel like a total ass. :) <user site="livejournal.com" user="blackfeather"> even came down to visit for a week or two. I think that party rocked enough for me to never bitch again. ;) Now, I think I'll be content with a good bottle of whiskey and a good pipe or something.
Still, there's all this...stuff to look back on now. I'm old enough to look back on my life and how it's shaped me up to this point, and take stock in where I'm going. I'm young yet, though, and I guess a little aimless restlessness is to be expected. The truth is, I don't know what I'd like to do; there are so many things that are pulling me, and I've got like, one foot in all of them. I'd love to join a monastery for a while; I'd love to get "Salvation" off the ground; 2 Sense is starting to take, and who knows what might happen with that; what about acting, or plays, or theatre? Will it ever be time to get into that again? College? Where? When?
There's a bit of antsiness in the air; I feel *ready*. Whatever I pick, I can throw myself into it with the focus it deserves. I just have no idea what it is I want to do.
On the other hand, there's all this regret and shame and pain from childhood and growing up that I've come to be cool with and incorporate into my general make up. I just like to remember them. Mistakes I've made, relationships I've let 'get away'. My family. My mother. I think about her every day, and I wonder what she's doing. It'd be so easy to call but I'm afraid, I don't know what I'd say. I love her. I wonder if she knows that.
I used to be such a little shit. :) There are a lot of people I've messed up with, and I'd love to be cool with them again but I don't think it'll ever happen. I still have things to work out, you know, and I really don't expect anyone to have much patience or sympathy with me.
So here I am, I guess. I'm a flawed person, and I don't know anything, and I take that way too seriously. I'm happy, but I don't express that very well. I even take happiness way too seriously. ;) And I think about myself *way* too much.
Yeah, so anyway, back to work.
