Perfect Hereafter
Dec. 19th, 2001 12:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jakebe
Hey there, all...
I don't suspect much will happen today. Tonight, we're going to go see "The Fellowship of the Ring," which I have to admit I'm curious about but I'm not all that excited by. I've never read any Tolkien, though I suspect this may change once I see the movie. Even still, I have this nagging suspicion that I won't like it nearly as much as I like Harry Potter. Does that make me a bad person?
I've been needlessly grumpy for the past few days, usually because of friends who skip out in the middle of conversations or something. I hate my brain chemistry. :P
I've also been going over my really, really old poetry, dating back to 1997. It was *really* bad. I can't believe I took myself so seriously back then, it's all crap. :) But well, the ambition kept me working at it, right? And you have to start somewhere....
Poetry doesn't seem nearly as forced as it used to, and that's good. I don't know if I've made too many gains in the art of writing it, especially rhyming, which I still have trouble with, but at least it comes easier. That counts for something, right?
The extremes of social behavior have never been more prevalent for me. On one hand, I would really like to just talk and cuddle with people...and on the other hand I just want to be left alone because I'm hurt way too easily. I don't think people really understand. I really hate saying this, but my emotions don't work right. They never have. Any child that's thinking about suicide and running away on a daily basis at the age of 6 has to have something wrong with them. I've been doing the best I can. I can't afford therapy at the moment, and I can't afford medicine. Even if I could, I'm not sure I'd want them. I just feel trapped in this mode of thinking, and I can't escape. It gets so frustrating to know that there's nothing really wrong, but you're depressed, angry and bitter anyway. What then?
I read Micole's nice little rants about art, and she kicks out some very interesting theories. I think if I had to pick a 'mind' to be, it would probably be 'semantic-minded'. I'm way too hung on the nuances of art; the little subtleties and details that makes things beautiful. I tend to be very specific, which is why I choke on my writing all the time. I'm too worried about making things perfect. Letting go that need for control over my creation really helps, and I'm learning that. Characters in stories are great because they really do tend to develop lives of their own, and they pull the story in the direction it needs to go, not because you envisioned it that way, but because it's the most natural. I think my favorite moments when I'm writing happen when I sit back and stare at the screen, wondering how I got to this point, and wondering where things will lead. It's just...amazing, how far off the beaten path your mind can take you...
And now I'm all inspired. Time to write. Thanks, Micole. :)
-David
I don't suspect much will happen today. Tonight, we're going to go see "The Fellowship of the Ring," which I have to admit I'm curious about but I'm not all that excited by. I've never read any Tolkien, though I suspect this may change once I see the movie. Even still, I have this nagging suspicion that I won't like it nearly as much as I like Harry Potter. Does that make me a bad person?
I've been needlessly grumpy for the past few days, usually because of friends who skip out in the middle of conversations or something. I hate my brain chemistry. :P
I've also been going over my really, really old poetry, dating back to 1997. It was *really* bad. I can't believe I took myself so seriously back then, it's all crap. :) But well, the ambition kept me working at it, right? And you have to start somewhere....
Poetry doesn't seem nearly as forced as it used to, and that's good. I don't know if I've made too many gains in the art of writing it, especially rhyming, which I still have trouble with, but at least it comes easier. That counts for something, right?
The extremes of social behavior have never been more prevalent for me. On one hand, I would really like to just talk and cuddle with people...and on the other hand I just want to be left alone because I'm hurt way too easily. I don't think people really understand. I really hate saying this, but my emotions don't work right. They never have. Any child that's thinking about suicide and running away on a daily basis at the age of 6 has to have something wrong with them. I've been doing the best I can. I can't afford therapy at the moment, and I can't afford medicine. Even if I could, I'm not sure I'd want them. I just feel trapped in this mode of thinking, and I can't escape. It gets so frustrating to know that there's nothing really wrong, but you're depressed, angry and bitter anyway. What then?
I read Micole's nice little rants about art, and she kicks out some very interesting theories. I think if I had to pick a 'mind' to be, it would probably be 'semantic-minded'. I'm way too hung on the nuances of art; the little subtleties and details that makes things beautiful. I tend to be very specific, which is why I choke on my writing all the time. I'm too worried about making things perfect. Letting go that need for control over my creation really helps, and I'm learning that. Characters in stories are great because they really do tend to develop lives of their own, and they pull the story in the direction it needs to go, not because you envisioned it that way, but because it's the most natural. I think my favorite moments when I'm writing happen when I sit back and stare at the screen, wondering how I got to this point, and wondering where things will lead. It's just...amazing, how far off the beaten path your mind can take you...
And now I'm all inspired. Time to write. Thanks, Micole. :)
-David
