jakebe | I'm Always Landing on My Feet

I don't know how it happened, but role-playing games have become more and more of a burden than a joy. Maybe it's the sleepless nights, the necessitating that entire schedules are rearranged for it, the prepwork, the constant discussion...it's a lot of work. The work itself isn't bad, and the rearranging and considerable effort and demands on time and resources is worth it if everyone involved is having fun and, you know, working towards the best that gaming has to offer. Then again, every now and again a break just needs to be had.

In some ways, the dissolution of my game on Tuesday nights is a good thing; it frees up at least two nights a week (and an afternoon or two) towards doing something else, like character development for (you guessed it) another RPG or short stories or editing poetry or actually *reading* a book or something. With the promise of actual free time to indulge in a hobby purely for enjoyment and not due to an obligation I've made, I'm reluctant to give up the space.

Anyway,

daroneasa and

fisherking are thinking about starting up seperate games on Thursdays and Tuesdays, respectively. And they've both asked me to join. Daro's a really good storyteller and we share the exact same devotion to character (and sense of humor), so yeah, I'm interested. Chaser's an old old old friend and he wants to run a Changeling game. Changeling is a game I haven't touched in maybe four years, so *hell* yes I'm interested. I've gotten a taste for fae, and it's very tempting.

But here's the deal: it's been a stressful week for me. Hell, I've had a *string* of stressful weeks stretching back to November, when all of this tooth business started. In fact, I don't think I've been able to *really* relax since I've moved in with Odis. There was the move, then allergies, and then *bronchitis* and then a soup of writing deadlines, Mom problems, financial problems, move apprehension and teeth issues that have kept me at a good level of stress for a good long time. I've been trying to deal with everything the best I can, and yeah, some of the stress is self-inflicted, and *yes* I could be slacking off less...but the fact remains that I've had a lot to juggle for a long time. And now I finally have some time to let things ease off, to just chill out and not have *appointments* that I need to keep. V, I could actually take a night and watch movies with you. Or I could just blow off and hang out at the library, or a coffee shop, or go to a poetry slam. Or check out the bike trail. Or whatever. And I'd be doing things at night because I *wanted* to, not because I promised I would regardless of whether or not I enjoyed it. Don't get me wrong; I *would* enjoy both games if I joined them. But games are kind of an all-or-nothing thing; I couldn't decide not to show up if I was having an off night, or spontaneously decide to catch dinner and a movie instead. But I have to decide if games are something I *really* want to do, better or worse, rain or shine, fair or ill.

Because time has become so short over the past few months, I've been slowly trying to make sure I'm using it more wisely. Using time wisely means making sure that there's some left over for hobbies, emergencies, figuring out priorities, hanging with friends, etc. etc. Free time. To enjoy...whatever I feel like enjoying at the moment.

PLEASE don't pressure me into making a commitment I'm not sure I'm ready to make. Before these games even get started they feel more like obligations and less like something I actually *want* to do. Guilt-tripping me into doing something only makes it feel like *more* of an obligation, and now that there've been a few people who (finally) pointed out to me that my good nature gets taken advantage of fairly often I'm aiming to make sure that doesn't happen. I have to put my foot down somewhere, eventually.

This is likely the only pocket of free time I'll have between now and fucking May. Moving to another state, especially as far away as California, is no small task. I have to start packing, start looking for an apartment there, a job, a way to get there, possibly a car...and here I have to make sure my sections at work are in order enough to hand to someone else...and eventually *train* that someone else to do my job. I also have to make sure that everything here is squared away so that no one gets screwed by my leaving, and there are no loose ends for someone else to take care of. It's going to be difficult, and time-intensive. And in two or three short months, it'll all be coming up on me. And I'm sorry, but I'm going to need time and space to get that done.

I love all of my friends, and I'm really grateful for everything they're doing for me, and that they're passionate, neat, diverse people. I'm trying *really* hard not to be negative towards anyone, especially knowing that in a little over four months I'll be moving away. But *please* understand that while I've been happy and my life is pretty good in general, it's not easy. I have problems, and they need to be addressed, and they cause stress. So much so, in fact, that I've been a little more snappy towards people in general. I'm working on *this,* too.

Anyway, just...back off for a while, guys, OK? I want to join the games, but I want to pursue hobbies outside of RPGs too. Give me some time to think about it, without giving me shit for not jumping straight into it. Please? I have quite enough crap to deal with without worrying about whether people are going to be pissed at me for not making a commitment that I might not be able to fulfill as well as I'd like to. Thank you.