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Day 62: It's Time to Light the Lights
I started writing again yesterday after more than a week away from it, and while I'm not sure any of the 275 words I wrote were any good I did learn a lot. Diving into the mindset of my protagonist Deimo, I realized just how much anxiety is wrapped up in sex for me. It's not much of a secret that Deimo is a thinly-veiled personal insert, so it was incredibly easy for me to connect with the blind panic of being told to be naked in front of people you're crushing hard on. While Deimo was having his personal crisis, I had to take a more omniscient perspective to figure out how to get the plot moving without taking up too much time to resolve it.
The heart of the matter is the uncertainty that Deimo could possibly be attractive enough that three giant aliens would get any pleasure from seeing him naked. The solution is actually pretty easy -- show his partners getting aroused to indicate that this IS something they want. But there's also the small issue of Deimo being "ordered" to disrobe; there are clear power dynamics at play, and it's easy to interpret the situation so that he feels like he can't say no. I mean, if Godzilla was close enough to splat you like a bug but told you to take off your clothes instead, wouldn't you?
When I set up the small cliffhanger at the end of episode 2, I didn't properly reckon with the implications that would have to be worked out in the following scene. I have to square Deimo's fear of vulnerability with making sure enthusiastic consent is given on all sides before moving forward. When you're working with a kink where the whole point is how hot it is to be rendered helpless by someone much more powerful than you, it's harder to balance that enthusiastic consent with making the kink believable.
Then again, this is something that many kinksters have to deal with. In bondage there's a whole system designed to make sure the emotional needs of the parties are met along with the sexual needs. Talking through the boundaries ahead of time is of vital importance, but it's also...not something you see in most porn for obvious reasons. Many stories are about a loss of control, a surrender to the situation, maybe even making bad decisions because the hotness just cannot be denied. Finding a way to evoke that...runaway, uncontrolled feeling while also being responsible about sex is not something I've ever done before and it's making me more nervous than I thought it would.
I'll mention all of this in this week's newsletter explaining why there's no episode this week. But I'll also be working like hell to catch up with the story -- I've only got 10 days to finish the short story and complete at least one June goal.
I did catch up on a lot of stuff yesterday, at least. I filled out the questionnaire for the CA unemployment assessment, which wasn't too bad. The most time-consuming part was listing the places I had applied to for the last two weeks; it wasn't *that* hard with the Huntr subscription I'm paying for, but I also had to find addresses for every company I applied to.
Also walked three miles while listening to an episode of Critical Role, which was quite nice. No soreness today, so I'll do another lunchtime walk with or without K. At the beginning of the walk (or run), it feels like a tendon running along the bottom of my foot is sore or tight. It resolves itself eventually, but it makes me wonder if that's something that will get better with practice or if I should be doing something to address that beyond walking.
Of course, I didn't get everything done that I had wanted to. No studying through ALISON, the CA upskilling portal I signed on to. No reading, and the kitchen's a bit of a mess. Instead of doing any of that, I played through the Grey Garrison siege in Pathfinder.
THAT was surprisingly fun and way easier than it was the first time. I'm not sure if this happened during my first run-through but the entire party got Haste for a whopping 90 minutes, which meant that we could get anywhere on the board in no time at all AND had an extra attack action once we were planted. The "Thieflings" found hidden doors and traps with no trouble at all, and the troupe of warriors from Prelate Helrun actually did their fair share of killing demons. Even the Minagho fight at the end felt like a breeze!
That's the end of the first act of the game; Act II is all about moving the Fifth Crusade up the river from Kenabres to Drezen. It'll be really fun to see how quickly I can do that, especially knowing the story and having my party tactics figured out. But that might also not happen for a while since I should be focusing on my own stories and work.
It's strange, but I feel comfortable slipping back into a more disciplined routine. Meditation helps me to feel more grounded more quickly after some time away, but it's a surprise to me how much easier it is to say, stop procrastinating and get to work -- or do something I've always found difficult and daunting. I'm not sure I could describe how this works to someone else with my problem of starting tasks, but it does just go to show that persistent effort and slow but steady progress is absolutely the way to go.
The heart of the matter is the uncertainty that Deimo could possibly be attractive enough that three giant aliens would get any pleasure from seeing him naked. The solution is actually pretty easy -- show his partners getting aroused to indicate that this IS something they want. But there's also the small issue of Deimo being "ordered" to disrobe; there are clear power dynamics at play, and it's easy to interpret the situation so that he feels like he can't say no. I mean, if Godzilla was close enough to splat you like a bug but told you to take off your clothes instead, wouldn't you?
When I set up the small cliffhanger at the end of episode 2, I didn't properly reckon with the implications that would have to be worked out in the following scene. I have to square Deimo's fear of vulnerability with making sure enthusiastic consent is given on all sides before moving forward. When you're working with a kink where the whole point is how hot it is to be rendered helpless by someone much more powerful than you, it's harder to balance that enthusiastic consent with making the kink believable.
Then again, this is something that many kinksters have to deal with. In bondage there's a whole system designed to make sure the emotional needs of the parties are met along with the sexual needs. Talking through the boundaries ahead of time is of vital importance, but it's also...not something you see in most porn for obvious reasons. Many stories are about a loss of control, a surrender to the situation, maybe even making bad decisions because the hotness just cannot be denied. Finding a way to evoke that...runaway, uncontrolled feeling while also being responsible about sex is not something I've ever done before and it's making me more nervous than I thought it would.
I'll mention all of this in this week's newsletter explaining why there's no episode this week. But I'll also be working like hell to catch up with the story -- I've only got 10 days to finish the short story and complete at least one June goal.
I did catch up on a lot of stuff yesterday, at least. I filled out the questionnaire for the CA unemployment assessment, which wasn't too bad. The most time-consuming part was listing the places I had applied to for the last two weeks; it wasn't *that* hard with the Huntr subscription I'm paying for, but I also had to find addresses for every company I applied to.
Also walked three miles while listening to an episode of Critical Role, which was quite nice. No soreness today, so I'll do another lunchtime walk with or without K. At the beginning of the walk (or run), it feels like a tendon running along the bottom of my foot is sore or tight. It resolves itself eventually, but it makes me wonder if that's something that will get better with practice or if I should be doing something to address that beyond walking.
Of course, I didn't get everything done that I had wanted to. No studying through ALISON, the CA upskilling portal I signed on to. No reading, and the kitchen's a bit of a mess. Instead of doing any of that, I played through the Grey Garrison siege in Pathfinder.
THAT was surprisingly fun and way easier than it was the first time. I'm not sure if this happened during my first run-through but the entire party got Haste for a whopping 90 minutes, which meant that we could get anywhere on the board in no time at all AND had an extra attack action once we were planted. The "Thieflings" found hidden doors and traps with no trouble at all, and the troupe of warriors from Prelate Helrun actually did their fair share of killing demons. Even the Minagho fight at the end felt like a breeze!
That's the end of the first act of the game; Act II is all about moving the Fifth Crusade up the river from Kenabres to Drezen. It'll be really fun to see how quickly I can do that, especially knowing the story and having my party tactics figured out. But that might also not happen for a while since I should be focusing on my own stories and work.
It's strange, but I feel comfortable slipping back into a more disciplined routine. Meditation helps me to feel more grounded more quickly after some time away, but it's a surprise to me how much easier it is to say, stop procrastinating and get to work -- or do something I've always found difficult and daunting. I'm not sure I could describe how this works to someone else with my problem of starting tasks, but it does just go to show that persistent effort and slow but steady progress is absolutely the way to go.