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Mysticism of the Mundane
I've been meditating for 30 minutes a day recently, though I haven't quite managed to make it a daily practice. I have a bit of trouble on the weekends -- though honestly, it's not because I'm less organized or there are pressing things I want to do right when I get up. It's just a LOT easier to get sucked into Twitter on my phone.
The awful thing about it is that I always start thinking that I can turn it off after a few minutes but before I realize it 30 minutes has gone by and it's surprisingly hard to turn away from it. It really is the worst thing for ADHD brains; quick hits of strong emotional punches that never end. If something makes you angry, scroll down until you see art or an animal that makes you feel better. If you're bummed out, there's always another tweet that at least gives you some comfort. You end up just scrolling for that next hit of dopamine or whatever, and lose all track of time.
I would love to be able to use Twitter more mindfully, but I have to develop better internal tools to do that. Until then, I'll just have to keep working on making it as easy as possible to meditate first thing in the morning. Maybe leaving my meditation app up on my phone before bed would help.
Even still, my practice is progressing for the first time in a little while. Right now, I'm working on learning how to accept my thoughts and let them go in their own time instead of trying to forcibly remove them. Before, I was trying to be a "bouncer" for my brain so that if certain thoughts weren't on the list I would hustle them out. But I think that's actually a harmful way to go about it. You train yourself to deny the gifts of insight your own mind is offering you; each stray thought is a chance to get to know yourself better. That can lead to similar behavior with others, where you won't even allow someone's thoughts to be heard because there's something within you that finds them disagreeable. But learning to accept what arises is the first step in making peace with it and learning to let go of your need to control the environment around you.
These days, everyone wants that control. Even my allies on the left are framing current events as a 'battle', and reject the very idea of compromise out of hand. I definitely understand that. We're in a place where the inherent respect and dignity of our fellow human beings are being questioned, and that's not something to be compromised. But I think we're unintentionally doing just that in the way we treat disagreement. There are a lot of us who need to work through unpleasant thoughts and ideas in order to evolve, or test how something that sounds good on paper actually falls apart in the real world. There are some of us who only truly learn by applying ideas, but there's no safe space to have that experience -- especially if you spend your time online.
I think it's far more effective to be gentle, and allow space with which to hold a thought. It can take a lot to set aside our personal feelings to approach someone with genuine warmth and curiosity, but having these discussions with an air of acceptance and inclusion makes it easier for others to lower their natural defenses. If we don't feel like we're being attacked, if we feel understood and respected, we soften. We let others in. Right now, no one feels safe. So we aren't inclined to let anyone in.
None of this is a value judgement, of course. It makes sense to be afraid, and it makes sense to harden ourselves against what we see as a hostile world. But the more I think about fear and how I deal with it, the more I realize that fear is a contagious emotion. Learning how to move past that fear and see into the fear of the other can allow us to help the other past their fear, too. Once we learn to move each other out of that place and towards our fellow human beings, we can start having difficult conversations about how we're treating each other.
This week, I've been thinking of applying for Content Writer/Producer positions at various places, but most of the openings I've seen ask for a portfolio of some sort. I'm...not sure what I could come up with, to be honest. I did work on licensing documentation for Selligent, but I don't know if I have a copy of that saved somewhere in Google Docs. Otherwise, I could try pulling certain blog posts or coming up with various explainer articles for things I do know about (like depression or anxiety disorder, or ADHD) and padding my portfolio with that. I'd like to cobble together a mix of technical and non-technical articles in order to display a range. I will have to see about the best way to put something like that together, and leverage my network to make it the best it can be.
For now, I'd really like some word from Coursera about the status of my application. I keep waffling back and forth on whether I feel good about my prospects, and there's solid evidence for either camp. On one hand, I feel like I interviewed quite well with everyone except one person, and my manager at 23andMe volunteered to serve as a reference so I think she'll be kind when approached. On the other hand, the one person I didn't interview with was the VP of Services (my would-be grand-boss) and I've heard that all it takes is one person to say no for my chances to be shot. Everyone's been busy this month between the Independence Day holiday and travel; my 23andMe manager is knee-deep in Amazon Prime day sales so she might be slow to respond herself. There's really nothing to do but play the waiting game and keep moving forward with the understanding that I have to find a job somewhere.
In the meantime, learning continues. The latest chapter of "Crushing The Competition" is going a bit longer than I had anticipated, so I'll need to turn the shopping trip into two episodes. I don't necessarily mind this, but it feels like I should have been able to do it in one 2,500-word episode. I'm just not there yet, though. I don't quite have the economy of space down the way I want it.
Later today, I'm having lunch with K., a fellow who essentially took over the Meditation panel at FC from me. He's a better public speaker to be honest, and while I have...issues with his message and presentation, there's no denying that the audience responds to him a bit better. However, he's also a devotee of the Landmark Forum which I see as...nakedly manipulative and predatory. I really don't like the idea of exposing vulnerable, curious furries to that kind of influence. But there's honestly too much in my life right now that needs fixing. I've got to shore up my own house first.
Anyway, he's not a bad guy and he consistently makes the effort to reach out. I think it's worth cultivating that relationship, if only to learn how to accept views that I don't agree with while enjoying the company of a person who really does just want what's best for everyone. We'll see how it goes.
The awful thing about it is that I always start thinking that I can turn it off after a few minutes but before I realize it 30 minutes has gone by and it's surprisingly hard to turn away from it. It really is the worst thing for ADHD brains; quick hits of strong emotional punches that never end. If something makes you angry, scroll down until you see art or an animal that makes you feel better. If you're bummed out, there's always another tweet that at least gives you some comfort. You end up just scrolling for that next hit of dopamine or whatever, and lose all track of time.
I would love to be able to use Twitter more mindfully, but I have to develop better internal tools to do that. Until then, I'll just have to keep working on making it as easy as possible to meditate first thing in the morning. Maybe leaving my meditation app up on my phone before bed would help.
Even still, my practice is progressing for the first time in a little while. Right now, I'm working on learning how to accept my thoughts and let them go in their own time instead of trying to forcibly remove them. Before, I was trying to be a "bouncer" for my brain so that if certain thoughts weren't on the list I would hustle them out. But I think that's actually a harmful way to go about it. You train yourself to deny the gifts of insight your own mind is offering you; each stray thought is a chance to get to know yourself better. That can lead to similar behavior with others, where you won't even allow someone's thoughts to be heard because there's something within you that finds them disagreeable. But learning to accept what arises is the first step in making peace with it and learning to let go of your need to control the environment around you.
These days, everyone wants that control. Even my allies on the left are framing current events as a 'battle', and reject the very idea of compromise out of hand. I definitely understand that. We're in a place where the inherent respect and dignity of our fellow human beings are being questioned, and that's not something to be compromised. But I think we're unintentionally doing just that in the way we treat disagreement. There are a lot of us who need to work through unpleasant thoughts and ideas in order to evolve, or test how something that sounds good on paper actually falls apart in the real world. There are some of us who only truly learn by applying ideas, but there's no safe space to have that experience -- especially if you spend your time online.
I think it's far more effective to be gentle, and allow space with which to hold a thought. It can take a lot to set aside our personal feelings to approach someone with genuine warmth and curiosity, but having these discussions with an air of acceptance and inclusion makes it easier for others to lower their natural defenses. If we don't feel like we're being attacked, if we feel understood and respected, we soften. We let others in. Right now, no one feels safe. So we aren't inclined to let anyone in.
None of this is a value judgement, of course. It makes sense to be afraid, and it makes sense to harden ourselves against what we see as a hostile world. But the more I think about fear and how I deal with it, the more I realize that fear is a contagious emotion. Learning how to move past that fear and see into the fear of the other can allow us to help the other past their fear, too. Once we learn to move each other out of that place and towards our fellow human beings, we can start having difficult conversations about how we're treating each other.
This week, I've been thinking of applying for Content Writer/Producer positions at various places, but most of the openings I've seen ask for a portfolio of some sort. I'm...not sure what I could come up with, to be honest. I did work on licensing documentation for Selligent, but I don't know if I have a copy of that saved somewhere in Google Docs. Otherwise, I could try pulling certain blog posts or coming up with various explainer articles for things I do know about (like depression or anxiety disorder, or ADHD) and padding my portfolio with that. I'd like to cobble together a mix of technical and non-technical articles in order to display a range. I will have to see about the best way to put something like that together, and leverage my network to make it the best it can be.
For now, I'd really like some word from Coursera about the status of my application. I keep waffling back and forth on whether I feel good about my prospects, and there's solid evidence for either camp. On one hand, I feel like I interviewed quite well with everyone except one person, and my manager at 23andMe volunteered to serve as a reference so I think she'll be kind when approached. On the other hand, the one person I didn't interview with was the VP of Services (my would-be grand-boss) and I've heard that all it takes is one person to say no for my chances to be shot. Everyone's been busy this month between the Independence Day holiday and travel; my 23andMe manager is knee-deep in Amazon Prime day sales so she might be slow to respond herself. There's really nothing to do but play the waiting game and keep moving forward with the understanding that I have to find a job somewhere.
In the meantime, learning continues. The latest chapter of "Crushing The Competition" is going a bit longer than I had anticipated, so I'll need to turn the shopping trip into two episodes. I don't necessarily mind this, but it feels like I should have been able to do it in one 2,500-word episode. I'm just not there yet, though. I don't quite have the economy of space down the way I want it.
Later today, I'm having lunch with K., a fellow who essentially took over the Meditation panel at FC from me. He's a better public speaker to be honest, and while I have...issues with his message and presentation, there's no denying that the audience responds to him a bit better. However, he's also a devotee of the Landmark Forum which I see as...nakedly manipulative and predatory. I really don't like the idea of exposing vulnerable, curious furries to that kind of influence. But there's honestly too much in my life right now that needs fixing. I've got to shore up my own house first.
Anyway, he's not a bad guy and he consistently makes the effort to reach out. I think it's worth cultivating that relationship, if only to learn how to accept views that I don't agree with while enjoying the company of a person who really does just want what's best for everyone. We'll see how it goes.