![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Too Much Internal Time
So yesterday turned out to be a bit of a bad day. I'm not entirely sure what happened or when, but at some point staring at a bunch of job postings I felt unqualified for just got to me. I began to feel stupid, unskilled, frightened, wholly unqualified. I'm just not in fighting shape when it comes to technical abilities, so I think once I'm done with this 'secondary' course about writing opening scenes, I'll double back to Udemy and put work in on the various coding bootcamps I've purchased and never got around to.
I told a lie to Ryan, who caught it immediately, and that made me feel so much worse. It wasn't about anything important -- eating vs. throwing away chicken parmigiana -- but the fact that it was so automatic made me stop and think about what just happened and why. Somewhere along the way I learned that lying was a pretty good defense mechanism, I guess. I got used to lying to my mom about what I was doing, and after that I had been involved in a string of relationships where lying was pretty useful for protecting myself. I'm not in those places now, but the survival mechanism remains. It made me sad that I've lived through experiences that lasted so long lying has become habit, and that I hadn't recognized the damage it could do to the healthy relationships I have now.
I feel so damaged. I opened up to Ryan about the feeling of the hunt, and how there are some places that will just reject me out of hand for not having a degree. I talked about how the fear of a Coursera rejection had been weighing on me; I've submitted 25 applications to various companies so far and I only had one interview. It really bums me out to think that I'm not likely to get the position after investing so much time and energy into it. But that's how it goes; when you put yourself out there in a highly-competitive activity, sometimes you'll fall JUST short. Those rejections are the hardest to take for me. I spend enough energy to get excited, to be hopeful, to start imagining what life will be like there -- and then it doesn't happen. It's hard NOT to cling to that possibility when it arises. But it's something I'll have to learn to get better about with time.
I am feeling better today. Knowing what I do about the hunt, I'll try to space in periods of rest at regular intervals. I've been meaning to get out and explore the neighborhood using Pokemon Go, and taking a quick walk after every two hours of work feels like the right ratio.
Today I'll focus on writing and study, since I didn't really do that yesterday. I'm still synthesizing ideas for "Crushing The Competition" and exactly what the main character's arc is. Right now, I'm trying to position it as a budding romance complicated by a corporate spy thriller, but the character work just isn't where I need it to be yet. This next scene is a real opportunity to finally establish relationships between the main character and others who could be his allies or foils -- perhaps both. During one of my walks, I'll need to think deeply about how I want that scene to go and what it sets up for the future.
Meditation is...going. I'm reading "The Illuminated Mind", which is a combination meditation manual and psychological workbook. The author really sold me on his pitch in the first couple of chapters, and he's laying out this ten-step track to a kind of awakening. I'm not sure that enlightenment will really happen for me in a matter of months, but I've learned enough to appreciate the value of consistency. It feels good to be laying the groundwork for a morning routine that can only help me. Between meditation and journaling, I can feel myself starting to settle down, be more observant, give myself the space to really chew through things. It's difficult now, but I trust the process.
Oh! I'm watching the first series of "Hilda" and the second series of "Aggretsuko" on Netflix during lunch, and I'm enjoying both of those shows. "Hilda" is a low-key delight, a very European modern fantasy that blends ancient lore and city living in great ways. I'm coming to the end of my time with the show, and I really hope there's a second series on the way. At the very least, I'll have to look into getting the graphic novel when I've got some spare coin.
"Aggretsuko" is...a lot more stressful than I thought it would be. That's mostly due to the new character Anai, who basically terrorizes Retsuko in response to the slightest criticism. The stress comes from two places. First, the idea of a coworker just harassing you into hiding when you're supposed to be training him is a nightmare scenario to me. Second, it's very much a "is this what I look like?!?" reaction that provides a really strong incentive to be cooler with criticism when it comes my way. I really don't want to be the guy that people hate having unpleasant conversations with, you know?
Right now, I think I'm going to take a walk to a bakery a fair bit away. I've heard they have amazing apple fritters and I could really go for one right now.
I told a lie to Ryan, who caught it immediately, and that made me feel so much worse. It wasn't about anything important -- eating vs. throwing away chicken parmigiana -- but the fact that it was so automatic made me stop and think about what just happened and why. Somewhere along the way I learned that lying was a pretty good defense mechanism, I guess. I got used to lying to my mom about what I was doing, and after that I had been involved in a string of relationships where lying was pretty useful for protecting myself. I'm not in those places now, but the survival mechanism remains. It made me sad that I've lived through experiences that lasted so long lying has become habit, and that I hadn't recognized the damage it could do to the healthy relationships I have now.
I feel so damaged. I opened up to Ryan about the feeling of the hunt, and how there are some places that will just reject me out of hand for not having a degree. I talked about how the fear of a Coursera rejection had been weighing on me; I've submitted 25 applications to various companies so far and I only had one interview. It really bums me out to think that I'm not likely to get the position after investing so much time and energy into it. But that's how it goes; when you put yourself out there in a highly-competitive activity, sometimes you'll fall JUST short. Those rejections are the hardest to take for me. I spend enough energy to get excited, to be hopeful, to start imagining what life will be like there -- and then it doesn't happen. It's hard NOT to cling to that possibility when it arises. But it's something I'll have to learn to get better about with time.
I am feeling better today. Knowing what I do about the hunt, I'll try to space in periods of rest at regular intervals. I've been meaning to get out and explore the neighborhood using Pokemon Go, and taking a quick walk after every two hours of work feels like the right ratio.
Today I'll focus on writing and study, since I didn't really do that yesterday. I'm still synthesizing ideas for "Crushing The Competition" and exactly what the main character's arc is. Right now, I'm trying to position it as a budding romance complicated by a corporate spy thriller, but the character work just isn't where I need it to be yet. This next scene is a real opportunity to finally establish relationships between the main character and others who could be his allies or foils -- perhaps both. During one of my walks, I'll need to think deeply about how I want that scene to go and what it sets up for the future.
Meditation is...going. I'm reading "The Illuminated Mind", which is a combination meditation manual and psychological workbook. The author really sold me on his pitch in the first couple of chapters, and he's laying out this ten-step track to a kind of awakening. I'm not sure that enlightenment will really happen for me in a matter of months, but I've learned enough to appreciate the value of consistency. It feels good to be laying the groundwork for a morning routine that can only help me. Between meditation and journaling, I can feel myself starting to settle down, be more observant, give myself the space to really chew through things. It's difficult now, but I trust the process.
Oh! I'm watching the first series of "Hilda" and the second series of "Aggretsuko" on Netflix during lunch, and I'm enjoying both of those shows. "Hilda" is a low-key delight, a very European modern fantasy that blends ancient lore and city living in great ways. I'm coming to the end of my time with the show, and I really hope there's a second series on the way. At the very least, I'll have to look into getting the graphic novel when I've got some spare coin.
"Aggretsuko" is...a lot more stressful than I thought it would be. That's mostly due to the new character Anai, who basically terrorizes Retsuko in response to the slightest criticism. The stress comes from two places. First, the idea of a coworker just harassing you into hiding when you're supposed to be training him is a nightmare scenario to me. Second, it's very much a "is this what I look like?!?" reaction that provides a really strong incentive to be cooler with criticism when it comes my way. I really don't want to be the guy that people hate having unpleasant conversations with, you know?
Right now, I think I'm going to take a walk to a bakery a fair bit away. I've heard they have amazing apple fritters and I could really go for one right now.